The Bible states - God will not put more on you than you can stand - NOT TRUE!

The Bible states, “God will not put more on you than you can stand” – NOT TRUE!

If you believe me wrong read 1 Corinthians 10:6-13 and Matthew 11:28-30 again it does not say what you may have thought it said or some sentimental Christian or religious leader told you it said.

People are surprised to find that at no time in the movie Casablanca does Rick ever say, “Play it again, Sam.”  It is also surprising to know that in over 79 Star Trek episodes and 6 movies, no one ever actually says, “Beam me up, Scotty.” But people all assume that those clichés and many others are from the films and movies they attribute them, too.

It works the same with the Bible.  There are all kinds of things that people assume the Bible says but it actually doesn’t.  At the top of that list is “The Lord helps those who help themselves” with something like 80% of Christians believing that quote is from the Bible. It’s actually from the Ancient Greeks by way of Benjamin Franklin’s Poor Richard’s Almanac.

But in a close second is the statement: “God never gives you more than you can bear.”  It is frequently “quoted” to people in times of distress with great certainty.  Everything will be alright—the suffering one is told—God wouldn’t have given you this trial if you couldn’t get through it. It is quite comforting to those suffering until they find out it is not true and then they begin to doubt God because of you ‘YOUR’ biblical untruth.

There is a quote like it; but there is nothing that says “God will never give you more than you can bear.”  The quote that is frequently used to back up the idea, from 1 Corinthians, doesn’t really say what people think it does. It actually says, “No temptation has seized you that isn’t common for people … God is faithful. He won’t allow you to be tempted beyond your abilities ...”

Paul is reminding his readers that God will not allow people to be tempted beyond their abilities.  That is, there is no temptation that you should feel you are powerless against, because God would not allow you to be tempted by something you couldn’t resist. If you’re being tempted, in Paul’s thinking, it’s something you are strong enough to resist. That is a far different thing from claiming that nothing bad will happen to you or that you will not have to bear a burden that you cannot bear alone, without God.

Paul even states they suffered burdens they could not bear in their own strength, “We were weighed down with a load of suffering that was so far beyond our strength that we were afraid we might not survive.” (2 Corinthians 1:8). We are also told in Psalm 38:8, “I’m worn out, completely crushed; I groan because of my miserable heart” and in Psalm 38:4, “My wrongdoings are stacked higher than my head; they are a weight that’s way too heavy for me.” Elijah was told by an angel:  “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” (1 Kings 19:7). Let us not forget Jesus, too, who died in agony on the cross, cried out “My God, My God, why have you left me?”

Not only is it not found in scripture our life experiences do not bear it out. There are all kinds of things that happen that we cannot bear. Sometimes our lives come crashing down around us.

Trite platitudes that are designed to make people feel better are harmful to Christianity. Can you imagine someone saying to an inmate at Auschwitz don’t worry - God never gives you more than you can bear or saying it to a woman whose children are killed by a long buried landmine while they were playing or a refugee who survived the massacre of her entire village or someone who has just been given a diagnosis of a terminal illness?

I am thankful that we Catholic’s have the crucifix and not just a cross for it reminds  us that our faith is driven by the hope and the promise of the Resurrection, but that we still live very much in a world defined by the Crucifixion – pain and suffering.

When you tell suffering people that God never gives them more than they can bear and they are being crushed at the time by problems you are causing them to question what is wrong with them?  What are they doing wrong?  Why isn’t God helping them? You are not bringing them to God you are pushing them away from God. If you do not have more comforting words than that to give them then keep your mouth shut and listen.

If you truly believe no problem comes your way that you cannot bear then you are making it about you and not God. Why do you need God if you alone can bear all your problems? Christ said, “Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads and I will give you rest. Put on my yoke, and learn from me. I’m gentle and humble. And you will find rest for yourselves. My yoke is easy to bear, and my burden is light.” Christ did not tell us to go it alone. Our faith is demonstrated by our recognition that we cannot bear the burdens ourselves and trust in the grace of God who bears them with us.

The church should be a place where you can come and say, “I have a burden that I cannot bear” and instead of being judged for having a weak faith, you are surrounded by a network of love and support that will bear that burden with you.  Just as Christ takes upon himself the burdens we cast upon him, unfortunately to many church going Christians and religious leaders have forgotten that.

The Gospel reminds us that our problems do not disappear because we have become followers of Christ, but we are promised that in those sufferings we are not alone. God does not make us suffer alone He is always with us. God will stand beside us in our times of trouble.

“Come to me, all you who are struggling hard and carrying heavy loads and I will give you rest.”

Do not beat yourself up when you fail and give in to temptations that you told God in prayer that you would not do again.  God is happy for all the days that the temptation came up and you did not give in and does not hold against you the days that you did. God will is patient!  Just pick yourself up and try again.  God is a God of more than one chance.

Get rid of toxic friends!

I have always thought you should be kind to everyone you meet, but lately I am having a hard time doing it. It is easier for me to be kind to the person driving the car that just cut me off or the annoying woman taking forever in front of me in the checkout lane or the person who cut in front of me while waiting for a taxi, than it is for me to continue to be nice to people who call themselves friend or neighbor and constantly irritate me.

I am finding there are some people I simply cannot deal with any longer like the friend/neighbor that is totally oblivious to my pain. They believe they are the only one that has pain and troubles.  I have to apply the lesson that I have preached for years that some people must be loved from a distance and you must get them out of your life.

These people are insensitive and rude to me and they may not even realize it. Their cry for help manifests itself as selfishness, closed-mindedness, anger, insecurity, rudeness, disinterest and malice. I tried to rationalize it was simply a cultural difference, but I can no longer do that. They bring nothing positive to my life!

I am ready to cut out of my life people that continue to be phonies and I cannot trust. I am getting too old to waste time with those who do not understand honesty and loyalty. Mean people who do not disguise themselves as nice I can tolerate. I have come to realize it is better to have an enemy that slaps you in the face than friends that stabs you in the back.

If you're not careful, toxic people can negatively influence the way you think, feel, and behave. They can introduce unnecessary stress into your life and cause chaos that will drag you down. This family has certainly done that for me.

I have a friend/neighbor that I am constantly grumbling and complaining about to my caregiver every time they contact me or their name is mentioned. My talking about these toxic people  when they're not around gives them more power over my life than I am any longer willing to give them.

Every time someone tells me something these gossipers and master manipulators have said about me strong emotions are stirred up. Stress, frustration and rage follows. These toxic friends can get the best of me and cause me to lose control of my emotions.

I no longer want to spend time blaming them for the toxic relationship. My attempts at placing blame have made me realize these toxic people have too much power over me. I now accept personal responsibility for how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. I felt an obligation to put up with them before because I am a retired priest, but no more.

My feeling of dread waiting for them to text or visit consumed a lot of my time and energy.  Christmas is now approaching and I know they will be contacting me to wish me merry Christmas and to tell me how much they miss and love me. This is their routine thinking it will warrant a gift for their grandchild. They also do this around their birthdays, etc. I actually had bought the grandchild a present in preparation for this Christmas, but then today I was told about a nasty remark the husband had made about me and I gave the gift to another child.

I had decided sometime back if I could not beat them, I would just join them. I thought I would accept their behavior even though it was not in accordance with my values. It seemed to be the last resort, but it wasn’t an effective coping strategy. Ultimately, it only created more chaos in my life.

Their manipulative and aggressive tactics made it difficult to set healthy boundaries. When things were not going the way they wanted they would reminded me, “We love you like family, but you will not accept us as family.” I then always felt it was my fault. Without healthy boundaries, it is impossible to protect myself emotionally from their grasp.

I was always in a bad mood after any contact with them. Even thinking of a possible upcoming contact with them upset me. Their unhealthy behavior caused my relationships with others to suffer.

I have decided no longer wasting my time thinking about them will not be enough - I must cut them out of my life. It does not matter how I end the relationship I will be perceived as "mean".  I have been patient long enough.

The husband is like a venomous snake in the grass. He smiles at me when face to face and lies about me when with others and he lies to me about what others say about me. One such occasion was last Easter. The neighborhood chapel does the stations of the cross. There was no reason for him to tell me, but he said when they met the neighbors did not want to have one of the stations at my house and he pleaded with them to do so. I ask him why they would not want to come to my house and he claimed he did not know, but he begged them to change their minds. His parting words were, “Father, I will always have your back.” It upset me and I contacted one of the men on the chapel committed and he told me that it never happened. The man wanted the station placed at his house and requested it be placed there instead of my house. 

Today, I learn that he said if they came to my house to Christmas Carol, a Philippine tradition, he would not come.  Again if he did not want to come to my house he did not have to come, but he did not have to say anything to anyone, just don't come.  He took the opportunity to say something in order to speak negatively about me or cause people to wonder why he did not want to come to my house. Consequently they made the rounds last night and they did not come to my house. 

This is the same man that I paid $1000 to have dental surgery performed on him and dentures made because he was covering his mouth when he smiled because he was embarrassed about his teeth.

These are the same people that I paid the balance of three hospital bills when they did not have the funds to pay them. These are the same people that their son could not register in the private school he attends for the upcoming year because they had a balance from the previous year and I paid off the balance, plus the tuition for the next year and for his books.

I have learned that it is not a good thing to have as many friends as possible, especially when you are buying friendship! They had the advantage over me from the very start of our relationship. I was a foreigner in their world. I had no family or friends and they immediately moved in and took advantage of the situation. I bought into their saying they wanted to “be family”. I now realize they do not get along that well with their own family, so maybe they do treat me like family. I have commented to my caregiver several times I would not waste my time with people like them in the United States and I did not understand why I was doing it here. Desperation for friends I suppose. But, believe me when I say quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendships.

Relationships should be balanced. It's perfectly normal to ask for help from your friends from time to time. In fact, helping others is one of the best ways to increase your happiness and positivity after 50. But, that doesn't mean that it's your job to solve everyone else's problems.

I do not need friends that make me feel like they hang out with me because of what I can do for them and not what I mean to them? I said earlier I dread receiving calls from them because I know their contacts always come with a request. I do not need or want friends that any contact with them leads to drama.

I am sure cutting my ties with them will for the short term bring some negative emotions like anxiety, guilt, grief, but it will in the long term bring relief.  Do not do as I did and tolerate for eight years a relationship that does not make you feel good or contributes to your wellbeing. We all have the right not to engage in toxic relationships. Today I got a new telephone number and they will not get the number.

Today is the first day of a new beginning when it comes to them and me. I finally realize they only made me a lesser version of myself and I want to be all that I can be. Pray that I will listen to my brain and not my heart and give in and stay the course.

Retirement can be hell!

 I finally made the decision to retire because of my health. I have always loved working and poured myself into it. When I finally had to admit that I could no longer maintain the schedule that I had spent five plus decades managing it was confusing to say the least. In the beginning I tried to convince myself that sleeping as late as I wanted sounded good; eating when I wanted would be great; not having someone at the door at daybreak asking questions or wanting something would be fabulous. Ah! Finally a no stress life, but was I ever wrong. I simply traded one stress that I had always loved, for another stress that I soon discovered I hated.

Contrary to what many think, retirement has been one of the most stressful times in my life and I am sure that others have found it to be the same for them. This is because life is based on a social status that is dependent on what people do for society, and therefore that is how society identifies with them and they identify with themselves. Once retired, I felt that some people who once saw me as a contributor to society now saw me as a parasite: consuming but not producing. Not only did I feel society view me that way, I saw myself in the same way.  I cannot count the number of times I have said, “I am no longer needed”, “I am only taking up space”, “I serve no purpose” and “Why does God keep allowing me to breathe”.

While working I was frequently in the spotlight and quite honestly I did not realize the impact the attention and admiration I received from my work had on my sense of self-worth. I would have denied it if someone would have suggested my being deprived of attention and admiration would lead me to feeling rejected and empty. I would have thought those kinds of feelings to be prideful and arrogant, something I never saw myself as being.

Retirement is really payback time; there should be no guilt. These expected fourteen years for men and twenty-three for women have been earned, so what the newly retired should concentrate on is how to enjoy them to the fullest and reduce any post retirement stress. But, there is a catch; knowing and doing are two different things. I did feel guilt and often still do. My caregiver would tell me, “Father, You worked hard 18 hours a day for nearly 50 years. You contributed more than most, stop feeling guilty. You deserve to rest, you earned it.”

I found retirement contributed to feelings of grief and as in any grief response, the feelings of gloom and hopelessness were exaggerated in my mind. The loss in retirement was not of an individual, but of a way of life. In addition to dealing with grief I had to deal with a feeling of worthlessness because I no longer saw myself as contributing to society.

Most people do not like feeling like a parasite, nor do they welcome losing the status they once had. They cannot help but notice they no longer receive the respect they once had. They become over-sensitive; begin to feel like ‘yesterday’s man or woman’.

I noticed right away I was not welcome back at the parish by other priest as I had thought I would be. My once sought after advice was no longer needed. It did not take long for me to realize my fate.  Celebrating Mass as a lay person would be my only association with my past place of employment. Then because I had become bitter I found I spend the time during the Homily critiquing the Celebrant and thinking I could do a better job than him. 

I realize the feelings I have on retirement are not universal. Many people retire and never have a moment to spare in their new lives. They actually enjoy retirement. But, I aged ten years during the first year of retirement. I never lacked confidence, but I began to feel stripped of confidence. I felt defeated, beaten, bored and lost. I think one thing that made my retirement more difficult is I had not mentally prepared for it. It was not something I thought was going to happen when it did.

I am not sure I could have prepared for boredom, but I think it would have been better if I could have tried to do so. Retiring gradually is also something I think would have made my retirement better. I do not think there is one ‘retirement plan’ that fits all. I have witness people retire very young and never get bored.

I have tried to analyze why there is such a difference in how people deal with retirement. Those people that had a life outside of work seem to do far better than those like myself that devoted their life to their work. Today, I would advise all young people not to let their work consume them. Manage your work time and do not let it manage you. Young people should establish their own identity and not allow their work to become their identity. Depression after retirement is a real problem. Many people, who have invested a lot in their careers and neglected other areas of their lives, may suddenly feel emptiness and despair which leads to depression.

The loss of independence due to health issues has been a major stress factor for me. I am not use to asking or allowing people to do things for me, especially things that I once did for myself. I often feel I am a prisoner to my circumstances. My emotional feelings over retirement contribute to my health issues being worse and I know that, but once again knowing and doing something about it are two different things.

It may not sound important to others, but it has proven important to me – it is difficult for me not to be able to go places by myself and not need someone with me all the time. I think a similar situation could become a problem for husbands and wives who during a working career had a break from each other five days a week. They retire and find they are together 24/7 and that can create all kinds of problems. I have sat in malls and watched older men following behind their wives carrying shopping bags, bend over, looking defeated and wondered if the man was once the head of a corporation, a doctor, a professor or entrepreneur and now is reduced to being a ‘bag boy’. I think it is important for retirees to try and maintain some semblance of independence.

My one outlet to the world is my blog and yearly book. I admit I have concerns of getting Alzheimer’s since it seems to be a plague for my mother’s side of the family. Through observation of my own family I have come to believe maintaining a good social life where different people meet regularly in a mutually enjoyable activity slows Alzheimer’s. Those in my family that suffered from Alzheimer’s retired and locked themselves off from the world. I unfortunately have made maintaining a good social life difficult by moving to a foreign country where I have to deal with a language barrier. If I had it to do over again I do not know that I would choose to leave behind an established social life that took years to cultivate.

I allowed myself to get away from a structured life and that did not work for me. I spend half the morning in bed and the only activity of my day was going to the mall for coffee.  I have now started getting up at the same time as the rest of the world, washing and dressing, as I had all my life prior to retirement. I am assisting my caregiver and his sister in opening a small cantina and sari-sari store to occupy my time and I hope it makes me feel more productive and needed. I have contacted Field of Dreams Boys Home and getting involved with that organization on a limited basis. I am shopping around for a new parish in an attempt to find a priest that is willing to devote the time needed to prepare a decent homily so I can once again have an opportunity to learn.

I have always planned my income and expenditure at the beginning of each year and I continued that after retirement. I had planned financially for my retirement so at the moment finances is not a problem for me. I realize I am no longer in a position to earn more money so I am stricter on myself than before retirement. I would like for everyone to know the days when a pension was big enough to leave a person as well-off as when working have passed. Young people should start saving for retirement out of their first paycheck and make it a habit. The amount does not have to be great, but your loyalty to a retirement fund must be.

I am not an expert on retirement or depression, but in closing I would like to offer a few suggestions that have been given to me. Some of the suggestions came too late for me, but maybe not for you:

•Lead a balanced lifestyle and cultivate interests outside of work.

•Don’t wait until retirement to plan what to do with your time. Plan ahead.

•Prevent isolation by getting involved in activities where you can socialize and meet people with the same interests or in a similar position.

®Do not assume your children and grandchildren will be there to entertain you when you retire.

•If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression, seek help as soon as possible. I waited until I cried at the most inappropriate times before I shared my problem with my cardiologist because I was too embarrassed to share what I saw as a weakness, but I found him to be most helpful.

How do you know you may be suffering from depression: If you have any of the following signs you should consider the possibility you are depressed.

•Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

•Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

•Loss of pleasure or interest in ordinary activities

•Problems with sleep (sleeping too much or too little)

•Loss of appetite or overeating

•Decreased energy

•Restlessness or irritability

•Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

•Inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I myself was feeling hopelessness and had become pessimistic; I no longer was interested in the things that once had been important to me; Sleeping had become a major issue; I lost sixty pounds in less than one year; I had no energy; I became extremely irritable with everything and everyone; Concentration became a problem and I felt guilty because God has always blessed me abundantly and continued to do so in spite of myself.

Even though I knew the signs of depression and counseled people with depression I refused to accept that depression and not strictly physical health issues were my problem. I have always been an advocate for mental health, counseling and medication, but when it came to my personal depression that was an entirely different story. I saw my depression as a weakness or lack of faith, something I would never associate with someone else’s depression. Do not let pride stand in your way of getting help.

Thank you Dr. Roy Barcinas, M.D., Davao, Philippines, for your advice!

 

 

 

Do you let the little things in life bug you?

A driver laid on his horn when I was trying to get into a taxi the other morning. The taxi driver pulled to the side of the road and the driver could have gone around, but instead he decided to make a fool of himself. I walked up to the taxi, open the door, the man kept blowing and I lost my temper (lost control of my emotions). I started yelling beep, beep, beep, beep, and shook my walking cane at him. He made a fool of himself and I made a bigger fool of myself. I allowed a man I did not know make my blood pressure rise and ruin my morning.  What should I have done – I should have just ignored him!

Life is full of little hurts and disappointments. Every day these little irritations, if we allow them to, will needlessly cause our bodies to go into fight-or-flight mode. Stress hormones surge into our bloodstream, our hearts beat faster; our blood pressure soars and our muscles become tense.

What are we to do? We need to learn to control our emotions and just ignore them!
We may not be able to control the circumstances that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them. Learning to respond to situations rather than reacting is a key factor in managing daily stress.

But how do we do that? How do we avoid holding onto the anger or irritation or resentment that comes from all the little things that are thrown at us each day? And how often do we need to forgive these acts - or ignore them?

Peter asked a similar question in Matthew 18: “Lord, if another sins against me, how often should I forgive…?”

Peter was asking, in essence, “Lord, if Andrew or James wrongs me, how often do I need to forgive them?” They were Peter’s friends. Jesus surprised Peter by answering, “No, not seven times, but seventy times seven times,” a phrase that meant an infinite number of times. This rule does not apply only to family and friends it applies to the strangers that blow their horn at us, run their grocery cart into our car in the parking lot, wave an unfriendly hand at us when we are driving too slow and fail to hold the door open when we are walking in right behind them. Oh yes, cut in a line we have been waiting in for 45 minutes. We need to ignore these little inconveniences. If we do we will live longer and will live happier lives.

Jesus was telling Peter, and through Peter each of us, that we are to ignore the little things. Our lives are meant to be characterized by grace and forgiveness. Jesus was asking us to say, “You’ve wronged me and I could hold onto my anger, demanding some kind of satisfaction, but I choose instead to let it go and not hold it against you any longer.”

Often, others aren’t even aware that we feel they have wronged us. They don’t know to ask forgiveness. So, somewhere along the way we’ve got to find the capacity to let it go – ignore it.

Before you lose it remember your own shortcomings. When you feel that somebody has offended you, stop and consider how many times you’ve done something similar.

Try to assume the best of the person who has slighted you. What’s going on with the other person? Has he or she had a bad day or not feeling well or experiencing any other circumstances that could cause shortness with you?

Pray for the person and about the situation. Jesus told us to pray for those who may not treat us well and to love them. The Apostle Paul, quoting the Proverbs, told us not to return evil for evil, but to return blessing instead.

Once you begin practicing doing these things it can almost become a game. In the process, you can avoid being caught up in anger or irritation and every once in a while, the blessings you return might just have a remarkable impact. Someone might one day just say, "sorry".

Remember the only thing you truly have control over is yourself, right here, right now and sometimes you cannot even control yourself. The other morning was a fine example of my not being in control of me. I can guarantee you, due to my not following my rule about dealing with the little stuff, the incident bothered me more than it bothered the unknown man!

 

Buy wise and lessen stress!

We do not need clutter in our lives. The more we pursue “more,” the more stressed we become. More stuff means more maintenance, involves time, energy, and resources. The truth is that more stuff makes us less happy. There comes a point when we have enough stuff, and everything above and beyond that level only creates stress.

Before making a purchase, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” and “Why do I want it?” these questions will help you to determine the true motivation of your desired purchase. Is it a need, a self-esteem issue, or something else? You may find yourself wrestling with your true motive and decide that your reason for purchasing the item is not a good one.

Do not buy replacements for things you already have until you absolutely need them. Take better care of your possessions and remind yourself that you don’t always need to have new things.

I have a friend that believes he has to have the latest cell phone model on the market. I have used the same cell phone for over five years and it works fine. I had a priest friend that needed a new car every 18 months. I drove a Ford Explorer for ten years and it was like new when I got a new car. I was able to save and purchase a small farm by not buying what I did not need and my priest friend never had anything, but a new car that was never paid in full.

For some reason, we think we have to spend money to have fun. That’s just not so. Simplify your entertainment choices. Travel now and pay later can cost you three times as much in the end.

Some of us are living beyond our means, and the stress is killing us. I can’t tell you how much stress relief and joy can be found in selling an expensive car and buying one you can pay for in full. Selling a large home and downsizing with smaller payments can bring more happiness than you think.

Simplifying your life requires self-control. It’s about not giving in to instant gratification. Stop being a slave to impulse buying.

Have you ever walked into a department store looking for a new pair of shoes and walked out with a whole new wardrobe instead? That is impulse buying! Does your trip to the store for some toothpaste end up costing you $50? That is impulse buying! Impulse shopper make purchasing decisions based on impulse rather than planning, research and premeditation.  Retail establishments love impulse shoppers.

Retailers study how to encourage impulse buying for it is very lucrative. Bigger is better, even when it comes to shopping carts. Big-box stores line up hundreds of super-sized shopping carts at the entrance. The average shopper intends to buy only one or two items; an empty cart entices you to fill it up. The customer service desk is almost always located in the back of the store. This means you have to walk through a lot of merchandise – with eye-catching displays on the way.  The more you see, the more you buy, so say market researchers. Retailers hide high-commodity items like socks, among high-ticket items like jeans or outerwear because they know that once you’ve decided to buy socks you’ll be more open to buying other clothing items as well. Employees are instructed to put the most expensive products at eye level.  Better deals are usually at the bottom of the shelf. Sugary cereals are down by your knees, at your kids’ eye level. Grocers know that if they can’t entice you into buying it, they can get your kid to badger you into it instead. Ever wonder why every checkout counter has magazines on display?  It’s because shoppers have just enough time to skim the headlines before it’s their turn in line – but not enough time to get the full scoop.  So they’ll end up buying the magazine and probably a candy bar, too.

Avoid jumbo shopping carts. Stick to a shopping list. The more focused you are, the less likely you are to make impulse purchases. Carry a pocket calculator to compare costs. Wait 48 hours before making a major purchase and consider the pros and cons of the purchase.  Don’t let strolling the mall become your favorite form of recreation. Shop smart, save big and have less stress.