Is pornography as bad for you as some Christians say?

Pornography is any image, picture, statue, advertisement, writing, etc. whose purpose is to create sexual titillation. In modern Western culture, sex has become such a public topic that the lines between what is legitimate and what is illicit are harder and harder to define.  In fact, sexual images have become so prominent that what used to be considered soft pornography is now considered tame enough to be on prime time television. And while it used to be that people could only get access to it in magazines behind the counter and then only at certain stores it is now so pervasive that virtually anyone can access any kind of pornography through the most basic internet connection. Many now even question why some Christians think pornography is such a big deal.

I have to admit I wrestle with the question was it as big a deal as the church said it was after all my church believes masturbation should be made illegal and classified as a crime. I have thought those that did not want to watch it were not forced to, but then as I stated earlier that would mean you could not even watch television anymore or go to a movie.  I have said those working in the industry were not forced to do so, but again that is not exactly true anymore. A person’s economic situation can often influence them to do things they do not want to do. I have said if the all parties involved from the beginning to the end were consenting adults what’s the harm, but that is no longer true because it is easily accessible to children on television, Internet, movies, magazines, books in general and even billboards along the highways.

I was talking with my housekeeper this morning and ask, “What is wrong with our society today?”  There is corruption among religious leaders, politicians, government employees, corporations, lawyers, doctors, teachers, nearly every profession you can name. Maybe our moral compass is not longer working.

 Is it possible for a person (society) to become desensitized to just about anything? I now believe it is! I now live in the Philippines and encounter daily people who are the poorest of the poor and after nearly eleven years I am constantly amazed that they are happy people.  Sometimes I wonder if they even know how poor they are because they act as if they hardly even notice it. I helped a family move to Davao, Philippines and open a very small business. One day I was complaining our public water goes off every day for twelve hours are more. They began to laugh and I inquired as to why they were laughing. They replied, “Father, we have lived in the mountains all our lives and have had to carry water from a stream twice a day having running water twelve hours a day is a miracle to us.”

They say people who play violent video games often become so desensitized that even real violence is seen as no big deal. This technique is now even used by the military to desensitize young recruits. Pornography has become so prominent in our society that we hardly even notice it anymore – much less think of it as something bad and destructive. A great example of this is the many “soft porn” TV commercials advertising everything from lingerie to hamburgers. It is so prevalent that most people aren’t even embarrassed anymore when they encounter it.

Pornography is purely an object of self-gratification. In any area, when our life is focused on gratifying ourselves rather than accomplishing the purpose of God, we put ourselves in a position which is outside of our relationship with God. For a Christian this will always create ‘guilt’.

There is a Naturalist worldview that exists today and it has become prominent in our society. Naturalism accepts no moral absolutes. It totally denies that a God exists and therefore there is no such thing as a set of moral values which is given by a higher authority. That being the case, the only possibility which exists is for man to create his own values. There is no reason, then, for any kind of sexual expression to be considered wrong or bad – including pornography. This is the worldview of a large percentage of people in the industries which control much of the public discourse in entertainment, news media, and higher education.

The Naturalist worldview has seeped into the belief system of a large number of people in the world – INCLUDING - people who claim to be Christians. I confess I WAS guilty. Surveys by religious institutions reveal the lifestyle of the average Christian today differs very little from those who are not Christians. So, what we end up with is a large group of people who give lip service to Christian values, but who live as if they are Naturalists. It appears Christians may be looking at porn as much as non-Christians.

Our problem, as Christians, is that the values of the Naturalist have become such a part of the thinking of modern society that we have totally lost any sense of why pornography is bad and the addictive nature of viewing pornography has already entrapped a large number of Christians – even Christian pastors and other religious leaders.

We must recognize as Christians that sex is not a value-neutral issue. It was created by God for a specific purpose (enjoyment is one of those purposes) and only to be expressed within particular defined relationship. The production and use of pornography takes something that was created by God (sex) and employs it for a purpose outside God’s purpose.  Pornography turns sex into a human centered purpose. If the God of the Bible is truly the person He has revealed Himself to be, we must understand that we do not have the prerogative to take God’s things and use them in other ways. When counseling with people addicted to pornography I always ask them when Christ returns do you want Him to find you in front of the computer screen watching pornography. NO ONE has ever said yes, or it is okay with me. I have had a few say I do not want to be having sex when Christ returns – WHY NOT – God created sex.

 Sexual gratification outside of a committed relationship creates guilt for a Christian as I have stated earlier. I have always heard religious leaders claim it alienates a person from God. I have some problems with that because alienation means to make one hostile to God or God hostile to them or to take something away from one party and transfer to another. That seems to do away with ‘grace’.

I agree by definition, living in a manner which goes against the ways of God is sin, and I do believe sin creates a barrier between us and God (guilt). God’s purpose for mankind is for us to conform our lives to His purpose and ways. Those who participate in the production and use of pornography in any way are putting themselves in a position of opposition to the ways of God. I think God has the right to do as He pleases, but I do not believe God turns His back on sinners or gives up on sinners and pornography is one of many sins. God gives us the understanding of right and wrong and expects us to choose right.  The choice of whether or not we follow His direction is our own (freewill).

Pornography is bad because the industry itself uses people in ways which destroy them (self-image, self-esteem, health, morals) and turns them into objects of profit. Those who are working in the industry are not looking for ways to serve God, they are looking to make money and satisfy themselves. They do not see human beings as people made in the image of God whom He values, but as objects which can bring a handsome price. This self-centered point of view which denigrates humanity runs completely contrary to the way God designed things to be.

The final reason I think pornography is bad relates to those who view it. People who view pornography are also objectifying others for personal gratification, and doing it in a way that drags them down as well. Human beings are individuals whom God created with an inherent dignity and value. First of all, those who view pornography are setting themselves up for an addiction to something which requires looking at other people as objects of self-gratification. Secondly, they are devaluing the people they are looking at. This is all contrary to God’s purpose and ways.

As Christians, we should be living and expressing our own faith, our own belief system, not worldview beliefs. We should be living in a way that changes the hearts of individuals. We should be living in a way that serves to eliminate destructive influences. 

Retirement can be hell!

 I finally made the decision to retire because of my health. I have always loved working and poured myself into it. When I finally had to admit that I could no longer maintain the schedule that I had spent five plus decades managing it was confusing to say the least. In the beginning I tried to convince myself that sleeping as late as I wanted sounded good; eating when I wanted would be great; not having someone at the door at daybreak asking questions or wanting something would be fabulous. Ah! Finally a no stress life, but was I ever wrong. I simply traded one stress that I had always loved, for another stress that I soon discovered I hated.

Contrary to what many think, retirement has been one of the most stressful times in my life and I am sure that others have found it to be the same for them. This is because life is based on a social status that is dependent on what people do for society, and therefore that is how society identifies with them and they identify with themselves. Once retired, I felt that some people who once saw me as a contributor to society now saw me as a parasite: consuming but not producing. Not only did I feel society view me that way, I saw myself in the same way.  I cannot count the number of times I have said, “I am no longer needed”, “I am only taking up space”, “I serve no purpose” and “Why does God keep allowing me to breathe”.

While working I was frequently in the spotlight and quite honestly I did not realize the impact the attention and admiration I received from my work had on my sense of self-worth. I would have denied it if someone would have suggested my being deprived of attention and admiration would lead me to feeling rejected and empty. I would have thought those kinds of feelings to be prideful and arrogant, something I never saw myself as being.

Retirement is really payback time; there should be no guilt. These expected fourteen years for men and twenty-three for women have been earned, so what the newly retired should concentrate on is how to enjoy them to the fullest and reduce any post retirement stress. But, there is a catch; knowing and doing are two different things. I did feel guilt and often still do. My caregiver would tell me, “Father, You worked hard 18 hours a day for nearly 50 years. You contributed more than most, stop feeling guilty. You deserve to rest, you earned it.”

I found retirement contributed to feelings of grief and as in any grief response, the feelings of gloom and hopelessness were exaggerated in my mind. The loss in retirement was not of an individual, but of a way of life. In addition to dealing with grief I had to deal with a feeling of worthlessness because I no longer saw myself as contributing to society.

Most people do not like feeling like a parasite, nor do they welcome losing the status they once had. They cannot help but notice they no longer receive the respect they once had. They become over-sensitive; begin to feel like ‘yesterday’s man or woman’.

I noticed right away I was not welcome back at the parish by other priest as I had thought I would be. My once sought after advice was no longer needed. It did not take long for me to realize my fate.  Celebrating Mass as a lay person would be my only association with my past place of employment. Then because I had become bitter I found I spend the time during the Homily critiquing the Celebrant and thinking I could do a better job than him. 

I realize the feelings I have on retirement are not universal. Many people retire and never have a moment to spare in their new lives. They actually enjoy retirement. But, I aged ten years during the first year of retirement. I never lacked confidence, but I began to feel stripped of confidence. I felt defeated, beaten, bored and lost. I think one thing that made my retirement more difficult is I had not mentally prepared for it. It was not something I thought was going to happen when it did.

I am not sure I could have prepared for boredom, but I think it would have been better if I could have tried to do so. Retiring gradually is also something I think would have made my retirement better. I do not think there is one ‘retirement plan’ that fits all. I have witness people retire very young and never get bored.

I have tried to analyze why there is such a difference in how people deal with retirement. Those people that had a life outside of work seem to do far better than those like myself that devoted their life to their work. Today, I would advise all young people not to let their work consume them. Manage your work time and do not let it manage you. Young people should establish their own identity and not allow their work to become their identity. Depression after retirement is a real problem. Many people, who have invested a lot in their careers and neglected other areas of their lives, may suddenly feel emptiness and despair which leads to depression.

The loss of independence due to health issues has been a major stress factor for me. I am not use to asking or allowing people to do things for me, especially things that I once did for myself. I often feel I am a prisoner to my circumstances. My emotional feelings over retirement contribute to my health issues being worse and I know that, but once again knowing and doing something about it are two different things.

It may not sound important to others, but it has proven important to me – it is difficult for me not to be able to go places by myself and not need someone with me all the time. I think a similar situation could become a problem for husbands and wives who during a working career had a break from each other five days a week. They retire and find they are together 24/7 and that can create all kinds of problems. I have sat in malls and watched older men following behind their wives carrying shopping bags, bend over, looking defeated and wondered if the man was once the head of a corporation, a doctor, a professor or entrepreneur and now is reduced to being a ‘bag boy’. I think it is important for retirees to try and maintain some semblance of independence.

My one outlet to the world is my blog and yearly book. I admit I have concerns of getting Alzheimer’s since it seems to be a plague for my mother’s side of the family. Through observation of my own family I have come to believe maintaining a good social life where different people meet regularly in a mutually enjoyable activity slows Alzheimer’s. Those in my family that suffered from Alzheimer’s retired and locked themselves off from the world. I unfortunately have made maintaining a good social life difficult by moving to a foreign country where I have to deal with a language barrier. If I had it to do over again I do not know that I would choose to leave behind an established social life that took years to cultivate.

I allowed myself to get away from a structured life and that did not work for me. I spend half the morning in bed and the only activity of my day was going to the mall for coffee.  I have now started getting up at the same time as the rest of the world, washing and dressing, as I had all my life prior to retirement. I am assisting my caregiver and his sister in opening a small cantina and sari-sari store to occupy my time and I hope it makes me feel more productive and needed. I have contacted Field of Dreams Boys Home and getting involved with that organization on a limited basis. I am shopping around for a new parish in an attempt to find a priest that is willing to devote the time needed to prepare a decent homily so I can once again have an opportunity to learn.

I have always planned my income and expenditure at the beginning of each year and I continued that after retirement. I had planned financially for my retirement so at the moment finances is not a problem for me. I realize I am no longer in a position to earn more money so I am stricter on myself than before retirement. I would like for everyone to know the days when a pension was big enough to leave a person as well-off as when working have passed. Young people should start saving for retirement out of their first paycheck and make it a habit. The amount does not have to be great, but your loyalty to a retirement fund must be.

I am not an expert on retirement or depression, but in closing I would like to offer a few suggestions that have been given to me. Some of the suggestions came too late for me, but maybe not for you:

•Lead a balanced lifestyle and cultivate interests outside of work.

•Don’t wait until retirement to plan what to do with your time. Plan ahead.

•Prevent isolation by getting involved in activities where you can socialize and meet people with the same interests or in a similar position.

®Do not assume your children and grandchildren will be there to entertain you when you retire.

•If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression, seek help as soon as possible. I waited until I cried at the most inappropriate times before I shared my problem with my cardiologist because I was too embarrassed to share what I saw as a weakness, but I found him to be most helpful.

How do you know you may be suffering from depression: If you have any of the following signs you should consider the possibility you are depressed.

•Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

•Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

•Loss of pleasure or interest in ordinary activities

•Problems with sleep (sleeping too much or too little)

•Loss of appetite or overeating

•Decreased energy

•Restlessness or irritability

•Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

•Inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I myself was feeling hopelessness and had become pessimistic; I no longer was interested in the things that once had been important to me; Sleeping had become a major issue; I lost sixty pounds in less than one year; I had no energy; I became extremely irritable with everything and everyone; Concentration became a problem and I felt guilty because God has always blessed me abundantly and continued to do so in spite of myself.

Even though I knew the signs of depression and counseled people with depression I refused to accept that depression and not strictly physical health issues were my problem. I have always been an advocate for mental health, counseling and medication, but when it came to my personal depression that was an entirely different story. I saw my depression as a weakness or lack of faith, something I would never associate with someone else’s depression. Do not let pride stand in your way of getting help.

Thank you Dr. Roy Barcinas, M.D., Davao, Philippines, for your advice!

 

 

 

Which is better - committed sexual relationships or casual sex?

I know the 60’s were supposed to be the sexual liberating years, but even in the 60’s people in the church questioned a girls morality if she had a child out of wedlock. Then and now they allowed the boy to escape criticism.

We had it happen in our family and the young girl was sent to spend several months with a “sick aunt”. The common practice of church going parents was to send the girl away to have the baby and put it up for adoption. The secret was supposed to be kept forever, but sometimes the secret came out later in life to haunt the young girl, who was now a woman, with another family.

Churches don’t often spend a lot of time reminding people of the importance of sexual intimacy. Society tends to trivialize and cheapen it. People talk about “hooking up” or having “friends with benefits.” Sex has become merely an end in itself. It is common now in our society to think that after a first or second date the couple is supposed to have sex.
This trivialization of sex does not liberate us it robs us of sexual intimacy. The Bible uses an interesting word for sex:  to know.  So when Adam was intimate with Eve the text says, "Then Adam knew his wife…"

When you have shared your body with another, you have shared what others cannot see or experience.  You know that person as others do not.   We are not ready to reveal our innermost selves to another human being after one or two dates; the bonding that happens is premature. And when we pull away from one person and bond quickly with another and another, sexual intimacy eventually no longer bonds us to our partner.

I am not saying you are a bad person when you have trivial or casual sex. Unfortunately we are human with human desires and some of those desires are moral and some are immoral. We long for intimate touch and companionship. It requires extraordinary restraint and self-discipline not to experience sex before marriage. But it is still a Biblical principle.  I confess as a priest I have been tempted many times and it sometimes it was extremely difficult to fight the temptation.

It is later in life when you really begin to appreciate the covenant you have with another human being ‘in sickness and in health’. It is comforting to know that someone will be with you in good and bad times. It helps your ego to be told you are still handsome or beautiful when everything begins to sag and your teeth are in a glass in the bathroom.

Sex has far more meaning than our society gives it credit.  I ask you to consider even if you have had casual sex in the past to consider thinking of sexual relationships in a way that pleases God and does nothing more than bring you instant gratification that usually end with heartache.

I read the study that stated U.S. researchers found that in those who were up for it, casual sex was associated with higher self-esteem and life satisfaction and lower depression and anxiety. That may be true if you are a sexist, manipulative, coercive and narcissistic man. It is important to note that the test trials were done only among 300 college students away from home for the first time.

I also found it interesting that the ‘scientist’ doing the test came to the conclusion that those who benefited from casual sex were generally extroverted, sensation-seekers, impulsive, were not comfortable with commitments, invested less in romantic relationships and were more likely to cheat on a romantic partner.

Another study from Ohio State University found that casual sex can cause depression and can even lead to thoughts of suicide.  This research involved 10,000 students. Casual sex increased suicidal thoughts by 18%.

The choice is yours God’s plan or the world’s plan!

Buy wise and lessen stress!

We do not need clutter in our lives. The more we pursue “more,” the more stressed we become. More stuff means more maintenance, involves time, energy, and resources. The truth is that more stuff makes us less happy. There comes a point when we have enough stuff, and everything above and beyond that level only creates stress.

Before making a purchase, ask yourself, “Do I really need this?” and “Why do I want it?” these questions will help you to determine the true motivation of your desired purchase. Is it a need, a self-esteem issue, or something else? You may find yourself wrestling with your true motive and decide that your reason for purchasing the item is not a good one.

Do not buy replacements for things you already have until you absolutely need them. Take better care of your possessions and remind yourself that you don’t always need to have new things.

I have a friend that believes he has to have the latest cell phone model on the market. I have used the same cell phone for over five years and it works fine. I had a priest friend that needed a new car every 18 months. I drove a Ford Explorer for ten years and it was like new when I got a new car. I was able to save and purchase a small farm by not buying what I did not need and my priest friend never had anything, but a new car that was never paid in full.

For some reason, we think we have to spend money to have fun. That’s just not so. Simplify your entertainment choices. Travel now and pay later can cost you three times as much in the end.

Some of us are living beyond our means, and the stress is killing us. I can’t tell you how much stress relief and joy can be found in selling an expensive car and buying one you can pay for in full. Selling a large home and downsizing with smaller payments can bring more happiness than you think.

Simplifying your life requires self-control. It’s about not giving in to instant gratification. Stop being a slave to impulse buying.

Have you ever walked into a department store looking for a new pair of shoes and walked out with a whole new wardrobe instead? That is impulse buying! Does your trip to the store for some toothpaste end up costing you $50? That is impulse buying! Impulse shopper make purchasing decisions based on impulse rather than planning, research and premeditation.  Retail establishments love impulse shoppers.

Retailers study how to encourage impulse buying for it is very lucrative. Bigger is better, even when it comes to shopping carts. Big-box stores line up hundreds of super-sized shopping carts at the entrance. The average shopper intends to buy only one or two items; an empty cart entices you to fill it up. The customer service desk is almost always located in the back of the store. This means you have to walk through a lot of merchandise – with eye-catching displays on the way.  The more you see, the more you buy, so say market researchers. Retailers hide high-commodity items like socks, among high-ticket items like jeans or outerwear because they know that once you’ve decided to buy socks you’ll be more open to buying other clothing items as well. Employees are instructed to put the most expensive products at eye level.  Better deals are usually at the bottom of the shelf. Sugary cereals are down by your knees, at your kids’ eye level. Grocers know that if they can’t entice you into buying it, they can get your kid to badger you into it instead. Ever wonder why every checkout counter has magazines on display?  It’s because shoppers have just enough time to skim the headlines before it’s their turn in line – but not enough time to get the full scoop.  So they’ll end up buying the magazine and probably a candy bar, too.

Avoid jumbo shopping carts. Stick to a shopping list. The more focused you are, the less likely you are to make impulse purchases. Carry a pocket calculator to compare costs. Wait 48 hours before making a major purchase and consider the pros and cons of the purchase.  Don’t let strolling the mall become your favorite form of recreation. Shop smart, save big and have less stress.