That's my child - you are talking about!

Things we should not to say to parents with special needs.

I have heard people with good intentions say some unintentional cruel things to parents of children with special needs. For example: “He looks so normal”, “God only gives special kids to special parents”, “You're a saint, I could never do what you do”, “When is he going to start talking?”, “Will she ever walk”, “My child learned to read by age 1”, “Is he your only child - are you going to try again?”, “Oh poor thing”, “I’m so sorry”, “She is not that bad it could be a lot worse”, “Will he ever be normal” and “What exactly is wrong with him?”

One of these perceived unintentional cruel remarks was greeted with a very loud “I do not want you to feel sorry for me?” by a mother with a special needs child.  I am trying to smile and shake hands with people as they leave Mass and I have two well intention women standing in front of me about to start Wrestling Mania XXV.

The one with good intentions could not understand why the mother of the special needs child was insulted when she told her, “You know he really looks normal.” She began to try and defend her remarks by telling the mother of the special needs child, “Why don’t you tell me what I should say, since it appears you would be offended at any comment I made. I was trying to offer you sympathy. What wrong with offering sympathy for a child that will be at a disadvantage the rest of his life? If someone says they are sorry, why are you so angry? Don’t let your ignorance upset you - educate me as to what you want me to say!”

I am supposed to now step in and be the peace maker before they attack one another.

I took the well intentioned lady by the hand and led her back a few steps and suggested if she was ever in a similar situation she could say the same thing she would to a parent with a ‘normal’ child - “He has such a beautiful smile” or “he is growing so quickly.” Parents with special need children are not generally looking for sympathy or pity.

Parents of special needs children do not see their children as burdens. They have learned to appreciate the little things like smiles, hearing “mama”, touching/hugging their children and being touched and hugged by them. They feel tremendous joy over what other parents may take for granted.

Special needs children love to play have fun and do the same things that other children do, just maybe not in the same way. They have thoughts, feelings, opinions and desires, even though they may not be able to express them, much less speak them, in a way that the whole world can understand. Special needs children want to be loved and understood for who they are. I once saw a special needs child on television say, “I do not want you to fix me. I want you to love me just as I am.”

Parents of special need children tend to see the things their children have in common with ‘normal’ children rather than the differences. I have had many parents of special needs children tell me every child is a blessing and every child is a gift from God.

There are over 20 million families in the United States raising children with special needs. It’s a fact raising a child with disabilities can be difficult, but that does not mean their parents love them any less or enjoy them any less. There are health issues that generally bring on financial difficulties. There are mobility issues that must be dealt with. Education often becomes a major issue. If there are other children in the family finding enough time so no one feels neglected can become a problem. Planning for the child’s future in the event the parent’s become ill or dies before the child weighs heavily on the parent’s minds.

The real choice in accepting or rejecting a child with special needs is never between some imaginary perfection and imperfection. None of us is perfect. No child is perfect. The real choices in accepting or rejecting a child with special needs come down to the parent’s ability to love and nurture, having courage or being a coward and between trust and fear. But, are not those the same choices all parents must face.

A baby with Down syndrome birthed in 1942, the year when I was born, could expect to live about 25 years. Many spent their entire lives shut up in public institutions. Today, people with Down syndrome often survive into their 50s and 60s. Most can enjoy happy, productive lives. Most live with their families or share group homes with modified supervision and some measure of personal autonomy. Many hold steady jobs in the workplace. Some marry. A few have even attended college.

In John 9, we read that Jesus’s disciples met a blind man, and asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus made it clear it is not a question of sin or punishment when a special needs baby is born. “Jesus answered, ‘It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him’” (John 9:2–3). Parents of special needs children should not feel guilt and no one has the right to try and assign guilt to them. God did not look away when special needs babies are born. He did not make a mistake, nor was He punishing anyone.

Parents of special needs children by faith believe their child is not a burden, but a special gift from God. God is always in control and has their best interests at heart. God did not give them this special child to ruin their lives, for God promises to work all things for good. It is not always easy and we cannot always see the good, but by faith we must trust that God is working all things for good.

The church should not be a burden for Special Needs Parents. The church needs to offer programs that give the parents of special needs children a much NEEDED break. Church on Sunday morning needs to be, if nothing else, a respite. A time when these parents can have an hour — just one hour! — To fellowship with other adults; to relax and drink a cup of coffee; to focus on their own spiritual walk; to get away from the constant state of alertness that accompanies raising a special needs child.

You are NOT overstepping your boundaries by expecting your special needs child to be loved and accepted in church. It is NOT too much to ask. If others in your church are heaping more burdens on you than you can bear, it might be time to look for a different fellowship.

Ninety percent of special needs families do not attend church because most churches do not have mission programs for their special needs child.  The church needs to realize special needs children are a legitimate mission field. Church leaders should not predetermine who can and cannot be help by the Holy Spirit.

Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” –Matthew 25:40

One Catholic Church in the U.S.A. is taking seriously what Christ said and they are doing their part for the ‘least of Christ brothers and sisters’:

Handicapped Entrance & Parking: The handicapped entrances to the church are on the left and right hand side. They are accessible via the alley that runs behind 2nd Street and Glen Avenue. Side handicapped parking is available along Glen Avenue where the curb is painted blue, behind the St. Lucy house or in the lot directly across from the church.

Handicapped Bathroom: Located on the first floor in the front of the Church to the left of the altar. The main bathrooms are located in the lower level of the church by the lending library.

Handicapped Confessional: Located in the front of the Church to the left of the altar.

Handicapped Seating: Is located on either side in the front of the Church, right & left sides of the altar and the first three pews on each side of the main aisle.

Communion: Please sit in the first row of the Handicapped Seating area and a Eucharistic Minister will bring Communion to you. At St. Joan of Arc it is very important to us that every person who wishes to attend Mass and receive the sacraments can do so regardless of their limitations.

Assisted Listening Devices: They are located in the Narthex in the book cabinet.  Please see an usher.

Large Print Missals: Please see an usher.

REP for Children with Special Needs: SJA’s Religious Education Program supports all students, including those with special needs. Our program includes a special needs class held on Sunday mornings, helpers to provide one on one assistance in regular education REP classes, and in-home instruction for children who cannot attend classes. 

We will continue to partner with the Ministry for Persons with Disabilities to identify areas of improvement.

St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church
359 West Areba Ave.
Hershey, PA 17033

Christians can celebrate Halloween!

Halloween or All Hallows Eve was stolen from Christians.  What started as a day to prepare for All Saints’ Day (November 1st), Halloween became a spooky, evil, and candy filled observance. The term “Halloween” from its beginnings, had nothing to do with any pagan or evil beliefs. The Christian festival “All Hallows Eve” morphed into our current term Halloween.

The term Halloween comes from the sense of what is “hallowed” or “holy”. In the Lord’s Prayer, Christians pray, “Our Father, in heaven, hallowed be your name…”  In the fourth century the Eastern Church celebrated a festival in honor of all saints who died. In the seventh and eighth centuries, Christians celebrated “All Saints’ Day” formally.

How did Halloween become associated with evil spirits?  The Druids, in what is now Britain and France, observed the end of summer with sacrifices to their gods. It was the beginning of the Celtic year, and they believed Samhain, the lord of death, sent evil spirits to attack humans, who could escape only by wearing disguises and looking like evil spirits themselves.

The Christian observance of Halloween began with a religious focus and Christians should take back Halloween. The argument of religious leaders that it is a sin to celebrate Halloween is not valid if we are going to celebrate Christmas and Easter when we do. Christmas and Easter in Europe had pagan connections.  We do not abandon Christmas and Easter and should not abandon All Hallows Eve. No one really knows what happened during the pagan festival of Samhain. There is not one shred of evidence of what actually took place.

Gregory III (731–741) and Gregory IV (827–844) moved the Christian holiday All Saints’ Day from May 13 to November 1 to replace the pagan rituals on October 31 and November 1.  Gregory III instructed people to dress up as saints.

Most Christians may not understand that Christmas was selected for a December observance because of the Nordic holiday of Yule. Scholars believe Jesus Christ was born during a warmer month than December.  Many scholars believe that Jesus’ birthday was in fact during a warmer month. The ancient pagans, in the beginning of the winter solstice, when the days became shorter and the weather became colder celebrated Yule.  As a pagan observance, the Scandinavian cultures would keep a fire going with a giant tree or log and the people often made sacrifices before an oak tree for a period of 12 days…is this a connection with the 12 days of Christmas?  Not to mention the Christmas tree. Pagans would burn or use evergreens in their festivals.

The observance of Easter is the celebration of Christ’s resurrection. However, the modern English word “Easter “can be traced to an older English word Ēastre or Ēostre or Eoaster, which refers to Eostur-monath, a month that the Germanic peoples named after the goddess Ēostre. If the word Easter has connections to pagan rituals of celebrating spring time, does that devalue Easter?

Understanding that early Christians contextualized early pagan holidays into Christian holidays helps us to see that we do not have to compromise our beliefs with pagan ones.

Halloween does not have to be a holiday filled with Dracula’s, bloody masks, or witches. There was a time when children dressed up, but their costumes were not sinister. During the Great Depression, children often disguised themselves as hobos, burglars, pirates… in other words, as economic and social outcasts, symbolic of the troubles from which their parents were struggling to escape. Those children were trying to make light of their situation. Halloween in the 19th century was devoid of scary masks and monsters.

If you still think Halloween is an evil day, then maybe you should see All Hallows Eve as a time when Christians can laugh and even mock evil. Martin Luther said, “The best way to drive out the devil, if he will not yield to texts of Scripture, is to jeer and flout him, for he cannot bear scorn.” Thomas More said, “The devil … the proud spirit cannot endure to be mocked.”

The one thing Satan cannot bear is to be a source of laughter. His pride is undermined by his own knowledge that his infernal rebellion against God is in reality an absurd farce. Hating laughter, he demands to be taken seriously. I would say that those Christians who spend the night of October 31st filled with concern over what evils might be taking place are doing the very thing Lucifer wants them to do. By giving him this respect, such believers are giving his authority credence.

Christians should instead celebrate Halloween with enthusiasm. If we follow the traditional formula of having a good time at his expense, Satan should flee. By laughing and mocking evil by goofy costumes we can take a posture of triumph with Christ.

Christians should focus and teach the concept of celebrating All Saint’s Day, November 1st in churches.

The term “saint” is used over 60 times in the New Testament. Protestants use the word saints to describe the Christians living and dead.  We can also honor our loved ones who have given us Christ, such as our parents, grandparents, etc.…  We can thank God for them and pray for the living “saints”.  Churches can use All Saints Day to light candles as an act of prayer for thanking God for the special people (“saints”) in our lives.

Protestants can learn from the saints of the church for the last 2,000 years. Protestants have often been fearful of honoring and learning from the Church saints for fear that they are venerating them as Catholics do.

When Jesus confronted evil demons in the New Testament they were fearful and obeyed the commands of Jesus to leave the people they possessed.  Much of the outcry concerning Halloween comes from the fear of evil or welcoming evil into their homes or lives.  No one should go out and look for spiritual warfare, but we should take comfort in knowing that Christ has given us the tools to fend away evil through faith in God, scripture, the power of Christ, the Holy Spirit, fasting, and prayer.

Why should Christians allow others to claim Halloween as their own? We should take back “All Hallows Eve” by embracing “All Saints Day” and remembering our “saints” by separating “All Hallows Eve” from the pre-Christian practices.

Christians can take comfort in understanding the historical Christian remembrance that is associated with “All Hallows Eve” and “All Saints Day”.  Children can collect donations for UNICEF or for a local cause. We Christians can also view Halloween as a fun event for children by having events in churches or in our communities where children and their parents can dress up, play games, and share some treats in a safe place.

If celebrating Halloween is a sin, it is a man-made sin and not a sin defined by God! To give you an example of this I will tell you a true story. A friend of mind decided to give the children of the community an opportunity to celebrate Halloween in the fashion he did as a child. We all know it is no longer safe in all neighborhoods to allow children to go door to door asking for treats. He decided, along with his parish council, to have a Halloween party in their fellowship hall. The community was invited. They requested no scary costumes. Prizes were given for the best homemade costume, best angel costume and most original costume. They had a large piñata shaped like a cloud. When the children broke the piñata open candy fell to the floor along with ‘Bible scriptures written on colorful paper’. There was a ‘pin the wings on an angel’ game.  The men of the church dressed like Biblical characters. There was absolutely nothing about this party that would make one think of evil spirits or the devil.

The Southern Baptist minister in the community attacked my friend and his church unmerciful. He even gave an interview to the local newspaper accusing the church of being an occult. On the following Sunday in his pulpit he told his people that the church was practicing witchcraft and devil worshipping. He said my friend and the members of his church would be, “fried, boiled and stewed in hell”.

The following week he discovered some of his members had taken their children to the party. That Sunday he called out the names of those people and asks them to leave his church and never return. I will leave it up to you who do you think committed the sin my friend or the narrow minded Southern Baptist minister.

I have one more question for you - do you still wonder why the younger generation is leaving organized religion when we practice such bigotry in our churches.

Southern Baptist Convention in recent years has decreased in membership every year; although the number of small churches opened were over 200 last year. Last year they had fewer baptisms than ever, which mean less people are joining the religious organization. They also did not meet last year’s financial goal they claim they need to maintain their outreach programs. 

Please know I am not being critical of Southern Baptist Church members or all Southern Baptist ministers. I am speaking of only one Southern Baptist minister. I also am not saying only the Southern Baptist Convention is getting smaller most, if not all, organized religious organizations are growing smaller.

Which is better - committed sexual relationships or casual sex?

I know the 60’s were supposed to be the sexual liberating years, but even in the 60’s people in the church questioned a girls morality if she had a child out of wedlock. Then and now they allowed the boy to escape criticism.

We had it happen in our family and the young girl was sent to spend several months with a “sick aunt”. The common practice of church going parents was to send the girl away to have the baby and put it up for adoption. The secret was supposed to be kept forever, but sometimes the secret came out later in life to haunt the young girl, who was now a woman, with another family.

Churches don’t often spend a lot of time reminding people of the importance of sexual intimacy. Society tends to trivialize and cheapen it. People talk about “hooking up” or having “friends with benefits.” Sex has become merely an end in itself. It is common now in our society to think that after a first or second date the couple is supposed to have sex.
This trivialization of sex does not liberate us it robs us of sexual intimacy. The Bible uses an interesting word for sex:  to know.  So when Adam was intimate with Eve the text says, "Then Adam knew his wife…"

When you have shared your body with another, you have shared what others cannot see or experience.  You know that person as others do not.   We are not ready to reveal our innermost selves to another human being after one or two dates; the bonding that happens is premature. And when we pull away from one person and bond quickly with another and another, sexual intimacy eventually no longer bonds us to our partner.

I am not saying you are a bad person when you have trivial or casual sex. Unfortunately we are human with human desires and some of those desires are moral and some are immoral. We long for intimate touch and companionship. It requires extraordinary restraint and self-discipline not to experience sex before marriage. But it is still a Biblical principle.  I confess as a priest I have been tempted many times and it sometimes it was extremely difficult to fight the temptation.

It is later in life when you really begin to appreciate the covenant you have with another human being ‘in sickness and in health’. It is comforting to know that someone will be with you in good and bad times. It helps your ego to be told you are still handsome or beautiful when everything begins to sag and your teeth are in a glass in the bathroom.

Sex has far more meaning than our society gives it credit.  I ask you to consider even if you have had casual sex in the past to consider thinking of sexual relationships in a way that pleases God and does nothing more than bring you instant gratification that usually end with heartache.

I read the study that stated U.S. researchers found that in those who were up for it, casual sex was associated with higher self-esteem and life satisfaction and lower depression and anxiety. That may be true if you are a sexist, manipulative, coercive and narcissistic man. It is important to note that the test trials were done only among 300 college students away from home for the first time.

I also found it interesting that the ‘scientist’ doing the test came to the conclusion that those who benefited from casual sex were generally extroverted, sensation-seekers, impulsive, were not comfortable with commitments, invested less in romantic relationships and were more likely to cheat on a romantic partner.

Another study from Ohio State University found that casual sex can cause depression and can even lead to thoughts of suicide.  This research involved 10,000 students. Casual sex increased suicidal thoughts by 18%.

The choice is yours God’s plan or the world’s plan!

How do you choose the right church?

I believe choosing the right church is second only to choosing the right spouse.  Sometimes people choose a church to join for all the wrong reasons – their family attends the church; they like the music (entertainment); it is the closest church to their home; the times of service fit their Sunday schedule better; business opportunities are available; the preacher is famous; they do not preach about sin; the church is large enough that you can go unnoticed; they have a beautiful building and etc. 

I personally would prefer to join a church that requires people seeking membership to attend classes.  The purpose of a church and its mission is important and you should clearly understand it before joining.  If people attend classes before joining most likely the members will have the same goals.  The unity among the members will generally be greater.

I think people should know the vision or direction the church is going in before they join.  It is important that the members of the church know the direction their church is taking.  If they do and you do then everyone can get excited about helping the church move in that direction.

You should know what the churches doctrine is before joining.  Every church should have a statement of faith that identifies its basic theological positions. You should review it carefully and be in basic agreement with that statement before making a decision.

You should be comfortable with the style of worship.  There is no right style or wrong style of worship, but you should be comfortable with their style.  I have attended churches that had liturgical style, traditional style, and various contemporary styles of worship.  I personally am more at home in a church that has a liturgical style of worship.

It is important to be in a church where your kind of people attends.  If you do it will be easier to become a family with them.  Choosing a church is as much a cultural question as it is a theological one.  We tend to settle in places, and with people, we can relate to.

You should ask what programs does the church offer that meets the needs of me and my family.  Generally families stay in a church where the children are happy and are having their needs met.

 What is the style of leadership at this church?  Churches have various styles and structures of leadership.  Some are congregational rule; some are governed by elected or appointed boards; while others are led by one person at the organization’s headquarters.  Knowing the kind of style and structure of leadership, how decisions are made, and personally respecting and valuing that style are important issues to work through before finalizing your choice of a church home.

I personally believe local congregations should make decisions for local churches.  I even think local congregations should choose their local leader.  I have often witness Catholic parishes where the local priest was not the right fit for the local parish and people had to suffer Sunday after Sunday for years. 

You should know the opportunities for service the church has to offer.  You need to be in a church where you can grow and maximize your gifts, talents, resources, and contribute to the growth and ministry of the church.

A key question to ask yourself are the unique gifts God has given you valued by this particular congregation and how can those gifts find their expression most effectively in the life of this church?

What is the reputation of the church in the community?  What is it known for? Does it have a positive or negative reputation?  Why?  Does the community even know the church exists?

Like all organizations, churches reflect the values and personalities of their leaders.  In choosing a church, one should ask if these leaders are people you can respect, trust, follow, and relate to.  Nothing is worse than trying to learn and improve your spiritual life under the direction of a leader or leaders you do not respect.

First impressions, while they can sometimes be misleading, can and do reveal certain feelings and reactions to general impressions, particularly for new people looking for a church home.  Don't discount your first impressions!

Churches will generally have at least four priorities - its mission, its people, its programs, and its facilities. How a church ranks those in terms of priority will tell you about what's important to a church and how it works.

Sometimes individuals can get lost in a local church, especially if it's a larger congregation.  Anyone can find a home church to attend and be anonymous.  A church home should involve relationships, support and care with others in a community of believers.  I would like to see the size of a church be no more than 300, but I realize that is seldom practical.

Where a church has been can tell you a lot about where it's headed, especially in the last five years.  If the leadership has remained the same is important because it speaks to the stability of the church.  Has it grown or declined?  Why or why not?  Are there existing problems or different ‘camps’ within the congregation?  Look before you leap!

If you have children you need to know if the church has a strong youth ministry.  The church should meet the spiritual needs of the whole family.  The teen years are often the most difficult years of a family's adjustment and parents are most likely to go where their teen-agers are active, involved and growing.

Look through the church bulletin.  It will tell you a lot about what a church believes, but more about how it acts.  Also, take a look at the church budget. Where it allocates its funds will also tell you a lot about what it does and values.

Can you live with the things you don't like about the church?  No church is perfect.  In fact, if you find the perfect church, don't join it, you'll ruin it!  The key is that you have investigated and been honest with yourself about what's important and that you can commit yourself to a body of believers moving in a particular direction.

Clothes that fit properly are worn more often and the same is true with a church that fits you properly.  If it fits well you will attend more often.  My past experience has been that many attend church out of a sense of obligation and not because they enjoy it and that is sad!