Stop trying to be what you think people want you to be - be who you are!

Many people have crossed my path that were good intelligent people, but for them it just did not seem to be enough. They were perfectly fine as they were, but they felt a need to exaggerate their skills, education, wealth and family background to make themselves sound even more important than they already were. Now remember there was nothing wrong with these people and there was no need to exaggerate.

 You will never be happy in life trying to impress other people. It just doesn’t work, it has never worked and it will never work. You might be able to impress a few people. If you are lucky you may impress a lot of people for a short while. But you will never impress everyone. No one can be all things to all people. No one can satisfy all people. I have found that if you have exaggerated something in your life eventually if people are around you long enough they will catch on to you and it may be the end of a great friendship, business relationship or social relationship.

I know a minster of music who had an outstanding voice, was great with people, never met a stranger and no one ever had a bad first impression of him. He could remain positive in any circumstance. In your worse circumstances he could make you feel better. He simply could not love himself for who he was and would try to make his life story fit what he thought you needed to hear to be impressed.

He casually mentioned in a conversation at church that he had been a realtor and had a license. He told this to some people in the church that owned a real-estate company. Soon after the conversation they got a contract to sell condominium’s in a high rise project on the beach. They needed all the help they could get. They remembered the casual conversation and contacted him. They offered him a full-time position, but were willing to let him work part-time, whatever hours he wanted. At first he declined the offer, but they kept insisting. What was he to do? How was he going to get out of the problem he created?

I went to him and told him he had better take care of the problem immediately. I even told him he could tell them I would not allow him to work part-time. I thought that was what he did until one day the husband and wife realtors came to me and said we have  problem. Immediately I said WE have a problem. They then told me my minister of music had sold quite a few units and a realtor in competition with them had found out that he did not and never did have a realtors license. He was threatening a class action lawsuit. I told him I did not have a problem, the church did not have a problem and the people of my parish did not have a problem, but they and the man they hired part-time had a problem.

In the end they had to contact everyone he had sold a contract to and give them the option to rescind the contract. No one backed out. They praised the man for the good service he gave them. He escape prosecution and you would think he would have learned his lesson. In the end our parish did suffer because the realtors left the parish and we lost $1000 a week in donations.

After I came to the Philippines my lawyer contacted me and said the F.B.I. was looking for the man and wanted to know if I knew where he was. He had posed as a lawyer and had taken some $35,000 from illegal aliens to get them a green card. They finally found him in a small town in Mississippi where he was posing as a licensed psychologist and ordained minister. He now resides in a Federal prison. If the man would have simply been himself he would have done better than fine in life. He had looks, personality, charisma and people skills.

I think even those among us with a healthy self-esteem take notice if one person says something negative about us. I would have several hundred people tell me on Sunday my homily spoke to them, but let just one person say they got absolutely nothing out of what I said and later in the week I could tell you every word the negative person said and not one word of what those that praised me said. We generally go from the negative comment to going over and over in our minds why does this person, I barely know, not like me or could I have done better.

People have a desire to be liked by other people. It’s built into our human condition to want to look and feel important to others. I always laugh to myself when I hear someone say; “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” If you think little of yourself, regardless of how great you really are, you will tend to exaggerate (low self-esteem) and everyone cares what others think of them. Some just care more than others.

I do want to clarify the statement I made above - I do not think small children care what others think and I think that when we get in the final years of life we tend not to care as much what others think of us.

Spending your life trying to impress everyone will eventually send you into a state of despair and unhappiness. It’s impossible to impress everyone. We can simplify our lives right now and improve our happiness today by striving only to impress God. If you concern yourself solely with what God thinks then the perceptions of others will take care of itself.

When you come to realize or accept that what others think of your or how they feel about you is something you really have no control over, your life will become a lot simpler, a lot happier and a lot more fulfilling. “…bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matt 5:44).

People use words to reach certain goals even when they do not really mean what they say and even if they weren't aware of their unconscious goals. Not everyone is aware that they are exaggerating. They get so wrapped up in trying to be all things, to all people, the words just flow off their lips.

Each person has different psychological goals and unmet needs that he or she tries to reach and fulfill through every possible method available to them. Because those goals and needs differ from person to person ‘why’ one person does something might be different than ‘why’ another person does the same thing. That is why I hesitate to put labels on peoples actions. But, over the course of my business relationships and ministry I have found: (1) When we are not happy with something in our past - for example - if we were bullied in school we may now may want to appear to be braver than we really are,  so we exaggerate our braveness; (2)  If a person believes that others look down on them, which is a common sign of low self-esteem, then they might exaggerate to prove to others that they are much better than others think and (3) Many people would rather be believed even if they know that their arguments are invalid rather than change their opinion or admit they were wrong. I am sure there are many more reasons, but these are the most common ones I have come across as to why people exaggerate.

Why do most politicians (if not all) lie - because they are Narcissists. “Because they can” as the cliche goes. Seriously, narcissists do lie and they lie constantly. They lie about their education, they lie about their achievements, and they lie about extramarital affairs or what they had for dinner. If someone else is boasting about their 2015 Mercedes, a narcissist will claim he or she has a 2016 Mercedes just to make themselves appear more superior. They commonly lie to seek attention. Politicians are not the only ones that are Narcissist.

Narcissists use lying and deception as handy tools to get whatever they want. A narcissist will look you right in the eyes, without blinking, and lie right to your face. Narcissists become so skilled at lying that many of them believe that they are telling the truth. Others use constant lying as a way of controlling the people around them. Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Did he lie? He lied by most people’s standards, but by Bill Clinton's standards what they did may not have been sex. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are perfect examples of unhealthy narcissistic people.

I guess people exaggerate or they are narcissistic because some people need excessive attention and get it by behaving inappropriately. It could be due to lowered self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, low levels of self-worth or self-love, trying to compete with others especially other family members or feeling insecure. Regardless of the reason it is not healthy and you cannot keep up the charade forever.

I am beginning to think the problem cannot be fixed, but it can be managed. The best way I know to help the person to learn to manage the problem is not to respond to them. Do not give them the attention they are seeking. As long as they continue to get attention they are not going to try to manage the problem.

There is something called  healthy narcissism and it is essential for emotional well-being. We need narcissism to feel confident in ourselves, and to give adequate consideration to others. The healthy narcissist does not focus exclusively on themselves, demanding that the world reflect back their false manufactured sense of self and an image of idealized perfection.

In closing if you do not know it by now even ministers sometimes tend to exaggerate points in their sermons or homilies to make them more significant to you and hope you will remember them better and apply them to your daily lives. Parents also sometimes exaggerate dangers in order for their children to be more careful. Sometimes exaggeration is healthy in order to make a point. Exaggerations are not all bad, but lets not over do it!   

General Westmoreland and Vietnam failures

In 1982, General Westmoreland filed a $120 million lawsuit against CBS and journalist Mike Wallace for suggesting that he had lied about the number of enemy troops in Vietnam. They claimed General Westmoreland withheld crucial intelligence so that he could continue to fight. Westmoreland lost the lawsuit. I know the judgement was just because I was in intelligent service and I witness first hand Westmoreland changing daily death totals, missing in action figures and other crucial figures.  President Lyndon Johnson was not told the truth. We had to sign a ten year contract that we would not discuss anything we read, saw or heard during our time in the service when discharged. Westmoreland later admitted to his actions, but said it was for the good of the country. It was what Westmoreland thought was good for the country not what the people thought.

Westmoreland was hard headed and thought he could make tactics used in World War II work in Vietnam.  “Search and Destroy” did not work. It only made the communist rebel fighters and North Vietnam regular army more determined to defeat the U.S.  He wanted to fight the war as if there was a ‘front line’ and there was NO front line in Vietnam.  Westmoreland tactics created chaos in Vietnam. His demand for more troops created a situation where men were sent to Vietnam not properly trained and that included young officer and enlisted men.

General Westmoreland’s reliance on manpower, artillery and air bombardment failed to cause North Vietnam to surrender. 57,000 Americans died for what? Once again the politicians were wrong and failed to listen to the citizens of the U.S.

The key to possible success in Vietnam was for Westmorland to listen to junior officers, non-commissioned officers and the enlisted men on the front line, but Westmoreland was too proud to do that. His ego was too large.  Westmoreland did not want the South Vietnamese involved in the fight, therefore he spent no time establishing training programs for South Vietnamese soldiers.

General Abrams was sent to Vietnam in 1967 and took full command of the U.S. forces in 1968. Abram did away with “search and destroy” and initiated “clear and hold.” He improved life in Vietnam with better schools, farming operations and refugee resettlement. He also was serious about training South Vietnamese soldiers to protect their own country.  Abram believed more success could be achieved by trying to make friends with the people instead of trying to destroy their country. Americans sometimes forget that people in South Vietnam had relatives in North Vietnam that were being killed.

I believe if Abram would have been in Vietnam from the beginning there may have been a different outcome. North Vietnam knew they only had to destroy the moral of the Americans and the victory was there. They knew the South Vietnamese Army could not defend themselves without the American military. The fact they could not defend themselves was Westmoreland’s fault not the South Vietnamese. Westmoreland and traitors like Jane Fonda made it impossible for a victory.  

Cruz should have the majority of evangelical votes - but he doesn't - why?

Donald Trump is a mainline Protestant who hardly goes to church. Ben Carson’s 15 minutes of fame is over. Marco Rubio’s faith journey has taken him from Catholicism to Mormonism to evangelicalism and back to Catholicism. If Rubio has as difficult time making political decisions as he has making religious decisions I question his loyalty to any principle.

Cruz is supposed to be the real deal. A true evangelical Christian, loyal to the U.S. Constitution, Southern Baptist, a preacher’s kid and yet he has not sewed up the evangelical vote – why? He announced his candidacy at Liberty University, founded by Jerry Falwell, but Jerry Falwell’s son who is head of Liberty University supports Trump – why? No one has a better record in Congress on the social issues that “Old style” conservatives embrace, but he still does not have the evangelical vote in the basket – why?

Trump all but matches Cruz for evangelical support in Iowa. Trump’s refusal to participate in the FOX debate may change that. Cruz is going to twist the truth and out and out lie to use Trump’s refusal against him. I noticed since Trump announced he would not participate in the debate Sean Hannity who has had his head up Trumps backside has pulled it out and stuck it up Cruz’s backside. That may hurt Trump in Iowa.

Could it be that evangelicals know Cruz is a hypocrite? Southern Baptist teaches tithing ten percent of your gross income to the church is essential to your faith and according to public records Cruz contributes LESS than ONE percent. He claims to be against Wall Street, yet his wife is an executive of one of the largest Wall Street firms and even borrowed one million dollars from Wall Street banks to help finance his campaign. There’s got to be something more that’s made a lot of evangelicals wary of throwing their support to Cruz, and I think I know what it is. Evangelicals hate hypocrites.

In the last Republican presidential debate, Cruz gave his testimony, and (as he notes) he gives it all the time. But the conversion story he tells is his father’s, not his own. Cruz was born in a Christian home and has always been a Christian and was raised in the church.

I have not decided to support Trump because to be honest I do not like his fight with Megyn Kelly and FOX, Carly Fiorina (face), and Marco Rubio (sweat) or his more serious attacks on Mexican immigrants (accusing the many of what the few do), his character assault on Ben Carson, comparing him to a child molester who has pathological problems and, most recently his apparent mocking of the disability of a New York Times journalist. It bothers me he does not apologize for his remarks. I do not like his extra-large ego and pettiness, but I am convinced he can do more to help the economy and foreign affairs than any of the other candidates – he would be a strong leader. 

The warnings in Proverbs are strong: “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (Proverbs 29:20). “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back” (Proverbs 29:11). I really think this applies to anyone, but especially to anyone who wants to be President of the United States.

Do you think white evangelicals are recalling an earlier election and are looking more for a candidate that is better for the country, rather than better for the church? The year of the evangelical was the Southern Baptist Jimmy Carter. President Carter brought millions of evangelicals into the political process — on behalf of the Democratic ticket. The list of white evangelicals who supported Carter that year reads like a who’s who of the religious right, including Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and Billy Graham. That fall, Carter won nearly half the evangelical vote. No Democrat has even come close to that in the decades since. Few people today would deny Carter was the worse U.S. President in our lifetime. I personally think Obama took that title from Carter.

I think the Rev. James Linzey, a retired Army chaplain and vocal leader among some conservative Evangelicals, sums up his support for Donald Trump and it applies to me and many evangelicals, “Because he tells it like it is, and he exudes honesty and transparency, and he’s the kind of person who is not going to deceive us. Evangelicals are tired of being deceived by wolves in sheep’s clothing.”

I do not think any of the political pundits or media elitist’s or Republican establishment realized how deep the voter’s frustration with the GOP really was. The Republican Party has failed to take care of even one major issue that concerns conservatives and evangelicals over the past many years.

I am not impressed with Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council endorsement of Cruz. He has for a long time urged Christian conservatives to pick a consensus presidential candidate early in the nomination process, but remember he early on endorsed the nominations of John McCain in 2008 and Mitt Romney in 2012. I do think Cruz will gain strength among evangelicals and the only one in the end that will share in those votes is Rubio, but I believe Tony Perkins is wrong again and Cruz is not the candidate to beat a Democrat candidate.

Retirement can be hell!

 I finally made the decision to retire because of my health. I have always loved working and poured myself into it. When I finally had to admit that I could no longer maintain the schedule that I had spent five plus decades managing it was confusing to say the least. In the beginning I tried to convince myself that sleeping as late as I wanted sounded good; eating when I wanted would be great; not having someone at the door at daybreak asking questions or wanting something would be fabulous. Ah! Finally a no stress life, but was I ever wrong. I simply traded one stress that I had always loved, for another stress that I soon discovered I hated.

Contrary to what many think, retirement has been one of the most stressful times in my life and I am sure that others have found it to be the same for them. This is because life is based on a social status that is dependent on what people do for society, and therefore that is how society identifies with them and they identify with themselves. Once retired, I felt that some people who once saw me as a contributor to society now saw me as a parasite: consuming but not producing. Not only did I feel society view me that way, I saw myself in the same way.  I cannot count the number of times I have said, “I am no longer needed”, “I am only taking up space”, “I serve no purpose” and “Why does God keep allowing me to breathe”.

While working I was frequently in the spotlight and quite honestly I did not realize the impact the attention and admiration I received from my work had on my sense of self-worth. I would have denied it if someone would have suggested my being deprived of attention and admiration would lead me to feeling rejected and empty. I would have thought those kinds of feelings to be prideful and arrogant, something I never saw myself as being.

Retirement is really payback time; there should be no guilt. These expected fourteen years for men and twenty-three for women have been earned, so what the newly retired should concentrate on is how to enjoy them to the fullest and reduce any post retirement stress. But, there is a catch; knowing and doing are two different things. I did feel guilt and often still do. My caregiver would tell me, “Father, You worked hard 18 hours a day for nearly 50 years. You contributed more than most, stop feeling guilty. You deserve to rest, you earned it.”

I found retirement contributed to feelings of grief and as in any grief response, the feelings of gloom and hopelessness were exaggerated in my mind. The loss in retirement was not of an individual, but of a way of life. In addition to dealing with grief I had to deal with a feeling of worthlessness because I no longer saw myself as contributing to society.

Most people do not like feeling like a parasite, nor do they welcome losing the status they once had. They cannot help but notice they no longer receive the respect they once had. They become over-sensitive; begin to feel like ‘yesterday’s man or woman’.

I noticed right away I was not welcome back at the parish by other priest as I had thought I would be. My once sought after advice was no longer needed. It did not take long for me to realize my fate.  Celebrating Mass as a lay person would be my only association with my past place of employment. Then because I had become bitter I found I spend the time during the Homily critiquing the Celebrant and thinking I could do a better job than him. 

I realize the feelings I have on retirement are not universal. Many people retire and never have a moment to spare in their new lives. They actually enjoy retirement. But, I aged ten years during the first year of retirement. I never lacked confidence, but I began to feel stripped of confidence. I felt defeated, beaten, bored and lost. I think one thing that made my retirement more difficult is I had not mentally prepared for it. It was not something I thought was going to happen when it did.

I am not sure I could have prepared for boredom, but I think it would have been better if I could have tried to do so. Retiring gradually is also something I think would have made my retirement better. I do not think there is one ‘retirement plan’ that fits all. I have witness people retire very young and never get bored.

I have tried to analyze why there is such a difference in how people deal with retirement. Those people that had a life outside of work seem to do far better than those like myself that devoted their life to their work. Today, I would advise all young people not to let their work consume them. Manage your work time and do not let it manage you. Young people should establish their own identity and not allow their work to become their identity. Depression after retirement is a real problem. Many people, who have invested a lot in their careers and neglected other areas of their lives, may suddenly feel emptiness and despair which leads to depression.

The loss of independence due to health issues has been a major stress factor for me. I am not use to asking or allowing people to do things for me, especially things that I once did for myself. I often feel I am a prisoner to my circumstances. My emotional feelings over retirement contribute to my health issues being worse and I know that, but once again knowing and doing something about it are two different things.

It may not sound important to others, but it has proven important to me – it is difficult for me not to be able to go places by myself and not need someone with me all the time. I think a similar situation could become a problem for husbands and wives who during a working career had a break from each other five days a week. They retire and find they are together 24/7 and that can create all kinds of problems. I have sat in malls and watched older men following behind their wives carrying shopping bags, bend over, looking defeated and wondered if the man was once the head of a corporation, a doctor, a professor or entrepreneur and now is reduced to being a ‘bag boy’. I think it is important for retirees to try and maintain some semblance of independence.

My one outlet to the world is my blog and yearly book. I admit I have concerns of getting Alzheimer’s since it seems to be a plague for my mother’s side of the family. Through observation of my own family I have come to believe maintaining a good social life where different people meet regularly in a mutually enjoyable activity slows Alzheimer’s. Those in my family that suffered from Alzheimer’s retired and locked themselves off from the world. I unfortunately have made maintaining a good social life difficult by moving to a foreign country where I have to deal with a language barrier. If I had it to do over again I do not know that I would choose to leave behind an established social life that took years to cultivate.

I allowed myself to get away from a structured life and that did not work for me. I spend half the morning in bed and the only activity of my day was going to the mall for coffee.  I have now started getting up at the same time as the rest of the world, washing and dressing, as I had all my life prior to retirement. I am assisting my caregiver and his sister in opening a small cantina and sari-sari store to occupy my time and I hope it makes me feel more productive and needed. I have contacted Field of Dreams Boys Home and getting involved with that organization on a limited basis. I am shopping around for a new parish in an attempt to find a priest that is willing to devote the time needed to prepare a decent homily so I can once again have an opportunity to learn.

I have always planned my income and expenditure at the beginning of each year and I continued that after retirement. I had planned financially for my retirement so at the moment finances is not a problem for me. I realize I am no longer in a position to earn more money so I am stricter on myself than before retirement. I would like for everyone to know the days when a pension was big enough to leave a person as well-off as when working have passed. Young people should start saving for retirement out of their first paycheck and make it a habit. The amount does not have to be great, but your loyalty to a retirement fund must be.

I am not an expert on retirement or depression, but in closing I would like to offer a few suggestions that have been given to me. Some of the suggestions came too late for me, but maybe not for you:

•Lead a balanced lifestyle and cultivate interests outside of work.

•Don’t wait until retirement to plan what to do with your time. Plan ahead.

•Prevent isolation by getting involved in activities where you can socialize and meet people with the same interests or in a similar position.

®Do not assume your children and grandchildren will be there to entertain you when you retire.

•If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression, seek help as soon as possible. I waited until I cried at the most inappropriate times before I shared my problem with my cardiologist because I was too embarrassed to share what I saw as a weakness, but I found him to be most helpful.

How do you know you may be suffering from depression: If you have any of the following signs you should consider the possibility you are depressed.

•Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

•Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

•Loss of pleasure or interest in ordinary activities

•Problems with sleep (sleeping too much or too little)

•Loss of appetite or overeating

•Decreased energy

•Restlessness or irritability

•Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

•Inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I myself was feeling hopelessness and had become pessimistic; I no longer was interested in the things that once had been important to me; Sleeping had become a major issue; I lost sixty pounds in less than one year; I had no energy; I became extremely irritable with everything and everyone; Concentration became a problem and I felt guilty because God has always blessed me abundantly and continued to do so in spite of myself.

Even though I knew the signs of depression and counseled people with depression I refused to accept that depression and not strictly physical health issues were my problem. I have always been an advocate for mental health, counseling and medication, but when it came to my personal depression that was an entirely different story. I saw my depression as a weakness or lack of faith, something I would never associate with someone else’s depression. Do not let pride stand in your way of getting help.

Thank you Dr. Roy Barcinas, M.D., Davao, Philippines, for your advice!

 

 

 

Which is better - committed sexual relationships or casual sex?

I know the 60’s were supposed to be the sexual liberating years, but even in the 60’s people in the church questioned a girls morality if she had a child out of wedlock. Then and now they allowed the boy to escape criticism.

We had it happen in our family and the young girl was sent to spend several months with a “sick aunt”. The common practice of church going parents was to send the girl away to have the baby and put it up for adoption. The secret was supposed to be kept forever, but sometimes the secret came out later in life to haunt the young girl, who was now a woman, with another family.

Churches don’t often spend a lot of time reminding people of the importance of sexual intimacy. Society tends to trivialize and cheapen it. People talk about “hooking up” or having “friends with benefits.” Sex has become merely an end in itself. It is common now in our society to think that after a first or second date the couple is supposed to have sex.
This trivialization of sex does not liberate us it robs us of sexual intimacy. The Bible uses an interesting word for sex:  to know.  So when Adam was intimate with Eve the text says, "Then Adam knew his wife…"

When you have shared your body with another, you have shared what others cannot see or experience.  You know that person as others do not.   We are not ready to reveal our innermost selves to another human being after one or two dates; the bonding that happens is premature. And when we pull away from one person and bond quickly with another and another, sexual intimacy eventually no longer bonds us to our partner.

I am not saying you are a bad person when you have trivial or casual sex. Unfortunately we are human with human desires and some of those desires are moral and some are immoral. We long for intimate touch and companionship. It requires extraordinary restraint and self-discipline not to experience sex before marriage. But it is still a Biblical principle.  I confess as a priest I have been tempted many times and it sometimes it was extremely difficult to fight the temptation.

It is later in life when you really begin to appreciate the covenant you have with another human being ‘in sickness and in health’. It is comforting to know that someone will be with you in good and bad times. It helps your ego to be told you are still handsome or beautiful when everything begins to sag and your teeth are in a glass in the bathroom.

Sex has far more meaning than our society gives it credit.  I ask you to consider even if you have had casual sex in the past to consider thinking of sexual relationships in a way that pleases God and does nothing more than bring you instant gratification that usually end with heartache.

I read the study that stated U.S. researchers found that in those who were up for it, casual sex was associated with higher self-esteem and life satisfaction and lower depression and anxiety. That may be true if you are a sexist, manipulative, coercive and narcissistic man. It is important to note that the test trials were done only among 300 college students away from home for the first time.

I also found it interesting that the ‘scientist’ doing the test came to the conclusion that those who benefited from casual sex were generally extroverted, sensation-seekers, impulsive, were not comfortable with commitments, invested less in romantic relationships and were more likely to cheat on a romantic partner.

Another study from Ohio State University found that casual sex can cause depression and can even lead to thoughts of suicide.  This research involved 10,000 students. Casual sex increased suicidal thoughts by 18%.

The choice is yours God’s plan or the world’s plan!