Stop trying to be what you think people want you to be - be who you are!

Many people have crossed my path that were good intelligent people, but for them it just did not seem to be enough. They were perfectly fine as they were, but they felt a need to exaggerate their skills, education, wealth and family background to make themselves sound even more important than they already were. Now remember there was nothing wrong with these people and there was no need to exaggerate.

 You will never be happy in life trying to impress other people. It just doesn’t work, it has never worked and it will never work. You might be able to impress a few people. If you are lucky you may impress a lot of people for a short while. But you will never impress everyone. No one can be all things to all people. No one can satisfy all people. I have found that if you have exaggerated something in your life eventually if people are around you long enough they will catch on to you and it may be the end of a great friendship, business relationship or social relationship.

I know a minster of music who had an outstanding voice, was great with people, never met a stranger and no one ever had a bad first impression of him. He could remain positive in any circumstance. In your worse circumstances he could make you feel better. He simply could not love himself for who he was and would try to make his life story fit what he thought you needed to hear to be impressed.

He casually mentioned in a conversation at church that he had been a realtor and had a license. He told this to some people in the church that owned a real-estate company. Soon after the conversation they got a contract to sell condominium’s in a high rise project on the beach. They needed all the help they could get. They remembered the casual conversation and contacted him. They offered him a full-time position, but were willing to let him work part-time, whatever hours he wanted. At first he declined the offer, but they kept insisting. What was he to do? How was he going to get out of the problem he created?

I went to him and told him he had better take care of the problem immediately. I even told him he could tell them I would not allow him to work part-time. I thought that was what he did until one day the husband and wife realtors came to me and said we have  problem. Immediately I said WE have a problem. They then told me my minister of music had sold quite a few units and a realtor in competition with them had found out that he did not and never did have a realtors license. He was threatening a class action lawsuit. I told him I did not have a problem, the church did not have a problem and the people of my parish did not have a problem, but they and the man they hired part-time had a problem.

In the end they had to contact everyone he had sold a contract to and give them the option to rescind the contract. No one backed out. They praised the man for the good service he gave them. He escape prosecution and you would think he would have learned his lesson. In the end our parish did suffer because the realtors left the parish and we lost $1000 a week in donations.

After I came to the Philippines my lawyer contacted me and said the F.B.I. was looking for the man and wanted to know if I knew where he was. He had posed as a lawyer and had taken some $35,000 from illegal aliens to get them a green card. They finally found him in a small town in Mississippi where he was posing as a licensed psychologist and ordained minister. He now resides in a Federal prison. If the man would have simply been himself he would have done better than fine in life. He had looks, personality, charisma and people skills.

I think even those among us with a healthy self-esteem take notice if one person says something negative about us. I would have several hundred people tell me on Sunday my homily spoke to them, but let just one person say they got absolutely nothing out of what I said and later in the week I could tell you every word the negative person said and not one word of what those that praised me said. We generally go from the negative comment to going over and over in our minds why does this person, I barely know, not like me or could I have done better.

People have a desire to be liked by other people. It’s built into our human condition to want to look and feel important to others. I always laugh to myself when I hear someone say; “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.” If you think little of yourself, regardless of how great you really are, you will tend to exaggerate (low self-esteem) and everyone cares what others think of them. Some just care more than others.

I do want to clarify the statement I made above - I do not think small children care what others think and I think that when we get in the final years of life we tend not to care as much what others think of us.

Spending your life trying to impress everyone will eventually send you into a state of despair and unhappiness. It’s impossible to impress everyone. We can simplify our lives right now and improve our happiness today by striving only to impress God. If you concern yourself solely with what God thinks then the perceptions of others will take care of itself.

When you come to realize or accept that what others think of your or how they feel about you is something you really have no control over, your life will become a lot simpler, a lot happier and a lot more fulfilling. “…bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matt 5:44).

People use words to reach certain goals even when they do not really mean what they say and even if they weren't aware of their unconscious goals. Not everyone is aware that they are exaggerating. They get so wrapped up in trying to be all things, to all people, the words just flow off their lips.

Each person has different psychological goals and unmet needs that he or she tries to reach and fulfill through every possible method available to them. Because those goals and needs differ from person to person ‘why’ one person does something might be different than ‘why’ another person does the same thing. That is why I hesitate to put labels on peoples actions. But, over the course of my business relationships and ministry I have found: (1) When we are not happy with something in our past - for example - if we were bullied in school we may now may want to appear to be braver than we really are,  so we exaggerate our braveness; (2)  If a person believes that others look down on them, which is a common sign of low self-esteem, then they might exaggerate to prove to others that they are much better than others think and (3) Many people would rather be believed even if they know that their arguments are invalid rather than change their opinion or admit they were wrong. I am sure there are many more reasons, but these are the most common ones I have come across as to why people exaggerate.

Why do most politicians (if not all) lie - because they are Narcissists. “Because they can” as the cliche goes. Seriously, narcissists do lie and they lie constantly. They lie about their education, they lie about their achievements, and they lie about extramarital affairs or what they had for dinner. If someone else is boasting about their 2015 Mercedes, a narcissist will claim he or she has a 2016 Mercedes just to make themselves appear more superior. They commonly lie to seek attention. Politicians are not the only ones that are Narcissist.

Narcissists use lying and deception as handy tools to get whatever they want. A narcissist will look you right in the eyes, without blinking, and lie right to your face. Narcissists become so skilled at lying that many of them believe that they are telling the truth. Others use constant lying as a way of controlling the people around them. Bill Clinton said, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Did he lie? He lied by most people’s standards, but by Bill Clinton's standards what they did may not have been sex. Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are perfect examples of unhealthy narcissistic people.

I guess people exaggerate or they are narcissistic because some people need excessive attention and get it by behaving inappropriately. It could be due to lowered self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, low levels of self-worth or self-love, trying to compete with others especially other family members or feeling insecure. Regardless of the reason it is not healthy and you cannot keep up the charade forever.

I am beginning to think the problem cannot be fixed, but it can be managed. The best way I know to help the person to learn to manage the problem is not to respond to them. Do not give them the attention they are seeking. As long as they continue to get attention they are not going to try to manage the problem.

There is something called  healthy narcissism and it is essential for emotional well-being. We need narcissism to feel confident in ourselves, and to give adequate consideration to others. The healthy narcissist does not focus exclusively on themselves, demanding that the world reflect back their false manufactured sense of self and an image of idealized perfection.

In closing if you do not know it by now even ministers sometimes tend to exaggerate points in their sermons or homilies to make them more significant to you and hope you will remember them better and apply them to your daily lives. Parents also sometimes exaggerate dangers in order for their children to be more careful. Sometimes exaggeration is healthy in order to make a point. Exaggerations are not all bad, but lets not over do it!