You are marrying their past if you want to admit it or not.

Today more and more people are getting married without knowing anything about their partner’s present family or their childhood family relationships. I could not begin to tell you the number of times I have been told, “I am not marrying his or her family I am marrying them.”  You are marrying his or her past childhood family relationships and sometimes present family relationships if you want to admit it or not. We learn how to live in relationships from our families.

Here is a true story from a man whose father was an alcoholic, ““I want so much to trust that love isn’t going to cost me in the long run. I grew up with a father who loved me to death when he was sober, but beat me when he was drunk. I tried to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him, but I was usually wrong. He had two sides, as I guess most people do, but they were nothing like each other. I still always wanted his approval and I think I’m looking for that in my relationships. But I keep pulling away when someone gives too much. I keep waiting to be clobbered. Better just not to get too close.”

That anticipation of waiting to be clobbered prevented him from establishing trust in any personal relationship. Anyone who marries him, without him working out his own childhood demons, is marrying remnants of his father. If you think that is not important to your relationship or marriage you have better think again.

I am the product of a good man who was an alcoholic. People would have thought our life was charmed, but it wasn’t. My mother was an enabler and taught us at an early age how to keep the family secret. He provided all the material things we could possibly ever need or want. Our emotional needs were never met. It was like walking on egg shells in our home. We never knew what would set him off. There was no physical abuse, but there was mental abuse, name calling, humiliation, cursing, etc. If you think mental abuse cannot be as damaging as physical abuse you are wrong. I think you can get over childhood physical abuse easier than mental abuse.

I knew from the time I started dating that something was wrong with me when it came to maintaining personal relationships, but I could not put my finger on the problem. I reasoned that I became bored easily and always wanted something new. Years later I was in Galveston, Texas and picked up a small book in a used bookstore title, “Children of alcoholics”. I thumbed through the book and was intrigued. I purchased the book and went to a nearby park and sat down and read the entire book. I finally knew what was wrong with me, my childhood family relationships, had doomed my future relationships.

I learned when children are raised in environments where love is associated with fear, they have only two choices. The first is to tolerate the pain in order to get the love that goes with it and the second is to run from the pain and go without love. I was like a deer in headlights and had hoped that things would resolve themselves and it was not happening.  I had no problem attracting love, but I always ran before the anticipated betrayal occurred.  If there was to be any breaking up I wanted to be the one to end the relationship. I could not handle rejection.

I would always begin the relationship giving the love I did not get from my father, but in the back of my mind the fear of rejection loomed. I would test my partner to see if they really loved me. The testing needless to say always damaged the relationship.

This is the response of the partner to the young man I mentioned earlier, “I think I’m doing everything to make him feel loved and cared for, but just when I’m gaining ground, he finds just one thing I did wrong and sees me as having a hidden agenda to rip him off. Sometimes he tells me he’s never felt so loved and accepted and that’s what keeps me going. Then, he turns on me. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know how much more I can give and never be trusted.” This could easily have been the comments of any of my partners.

I wanted to trust my partner without being in control of my every thought and action, but I felt more secure with them knowing the least they could about my needs and desires, because I felt that gave them less control over me. Every time I seem to open up and let my partner in I got hurt. If I wasn’t hurting I was wondering when they would hurt me. I generally would run before they had a chance to do so.   

It is hard to believe that my being hard to get close to actually attracted some people to me. I guess it was a challenge for them, a game to see who would win. The harder they tried the more I looked for a reason to run. I feared being dominated. The sad thing is some of them, maybe most of them, may have been sincere in their love for me and had no interest in controlling me. I may have misread their trying to be close to me as wanting to control me. If that was the case I was the looser.  

I never wanted to be obligated to anyone and always felt if my partner gave me too much I would be obligated to them. Whatever they gave me I had to give better in return in order not to feel obligated. So many times I have mentioned I wanted something and when my partner wanted to get it for me I would pretend I no longer wanted it. I always made sure that my partner was getting more out of the relationship than me because I did not want to feel trapped or owing when I did run.

I was familiar with past relationships where I was burned by people who used coercion, guilt, or threats to try and keep me in a relationship and I did not want to repeat those experiences. I had accepted their offers of attention and gifts only to find out later that those behaviors were attached to expected entitlements in return.

I began to build relationships with people I knew were weaker than me, had less than me, were not as intelligent as me thinking they would not try to control me. If there was to be any controlling done I would be the controller. That did not work because the relationships did not stimulate me.

People who have had their boundaries violated as children or in prior relationships build strong walls around them. They feel that the only way they are safe is to never let a partner know what they are feeling. They especially, do not want a partner to know or think they may need them. It makes no difference that we may want to be loved and feel secure we just cannot do it because of the fear of rejection. It is hard work pretending you do not care as much as you do.

We may act as if nothing our partners offer matters that much, but secretly inside it matters a lot. Outwardly we can act quite indifferent when inwardly we are enjoying the gifts. We have to keep our guard up at all times for the anticipated rejection that surely will come later. We may act like separation does not matter when in reality it feels like our world is ending.

When a person can’t love because of childhood trauma, past failures or anticipation of hurt, they are frustrating to their partners. Human beings live in harmony by creating an atmosphere of giving and receiving. They learn rhythms of sharing and exchange that builds trust and future expectations. When one person gives and the other either doesn’t take it, or pretends not to, the imbalance will eventually harm the relationship.

If you are a person who cannot let love in, you can change. The first step is to recognize what you are doing. The second is to share those underlying reasons and your desire to change with your current partner if you are in a relationship. The third is to challenge your old behaviors as you observe them happening and choose to take a different path. Over time and with lots of work - I found counseling extremely helpful - your interactions will become more authentic, you will begin to feel the joy of living your life without the need to protect yourself by keeping love away.

I am not saying that a time will come when you do not have to work at not reverting back to your old ways, at least I did not find that to be the case. You may also begin to over compensate like I did and tend to stay in toxic relationships far too long because you want to make sure you are not slipping back into your old patterns. 

Those that are thinking of marrying a person that you know nothing about their family interactions or childhood and think they are not important let me warn you - you are making a terrible mistake and if you do not think it matters you are living in a fantasy world.

Those from dysfunction background need to get help before they marry after they marry it is generally too late.

Retirement can be hell!

 I finally made the decision to retire because of my health. I have always loved working and poured myself into it. When I finally had to admit that I could no longer maintain the schedule that I had spent five plus decades managing it was confusing to say the least. In the beginning I tried to convince myself that sleeping as late as I wanted sounded good; eating when I wanted would be great; not having someone at the door at daybreak asking questions or wanting something would be fabulous. Ah! Finally a no stress life, but was I ever wrong. I simply traded one stress that I had always loved, for another stress that I soon discovered I hated.

Contrary to what many think, retirement has been one of the most stressful times in my life and I am sure that others have found it to be the same for them. This is because life is based on a social status that is dependent on what people do for society, and therefore that is how society identifies with them and they identify with themselves. Once retired, I felt that some people who once saw me as a contributor to society now saw me as a parasite: consuming but not producing. Not only did I feel society view me that way, I saw myself in the same way.  I cannot count the number of times I have said, “I am no longer needed”, “I am only taking up space”, “I serve no purpose” and “Why does God keep allowing me to breathe”.

While working I was frequently in the spotlight and quite honestly I did not realize the impact the attention and admiration I received from my work had on my sense of self-worth. I would have denied it if someone would have suggested my being deprived of attention and admiration would lead me to feeling rejected and empty. I would have thought those kinds of feelings to be prideful and arrogant, something I never saw myself as being.

Retirement is really payback time; there should be no guilt. These expected fourteen years for men and twenty-three for women have been earned, so what the newly retired should concentrate on is how to enjoy them to the fullest and reduce any post retirement stress. But, there is a catch; knowing and doing are two different things. I did feel guilt and often still do. My caregiver would tell me, “Father, You worked hard 18 hours a day for nearly 50 years. You contributed more than most, stop feeling guilty. You deserve to rest, you earned it.”

I found retirement contributed to feelings of grief and as in any grief response, the feelings of gloom and hopelessness were exaggerated in my mind. The loss in retirement was not of an individual, but of a way of life. In addition to dealing with grief I had to deal with a feeling of worthlessness because I no longer saw myself as contributing to society.

Most people do not like feeling like a parasite, nor do they welcome losing the status they once had. They cannot help but notice they no longer receive the respect they once had. They become over-sensitive; begin to feel like ‘yesterday’s man or woman’.

I noticed right away I was not welcome back at the parish by other priest as I had thought I would be. My once sought after advice was no longer needed. It did not take long for me to realize my fate.  Celebrating Mass as a lay person would be my only association with my past place of employment. Then because I had become bitter I found I spend the time during the Homily critiquing the Celebrant and thinking I could do a better job than him. 

I realize the feelings I have on retirement are not universal. Many people retire and never have a moment to spare in their new lives. They actually enjoy retirement. But, I aged ten years during the first year of retirement. I never lacked confidence, but I began to feel stripped of confidence. I felt defeated, beaten, bored and lost. I think one thing that made my retirement more difficult is I had not mentally prepared for it. It was not something I thought was going to happen when it did.

I am not sure I could have prepared for boredom, but I think it would have been better if I could have tried to do so. Retiring gradually is also something I think would have made my retirement better. I do not think there is one ‘retirement plan’ that fits all. I have witness people retire very young and never get bored.

I have tried to analyze why there is such a difference in how people deal with retirement. Those people that had a life outside of work seem to do far better than those like myself that devoted their life to their work. Today, I would advise all young people not to let their work consume them. Manage your work time and do not let it manage you. Young people should establish their own identity and not allow their work to become their identity. Depression after retirement is a real problem. Many people, who have invested a lot in their careers and neglected other areas of their lives, may suddenly feel emptiness and despair which leads to depression.

The loss of independence due to health issues has been a major stress factor for me. I am not use to asking or allowing people to do things for me, especially things that I once did for myself. I often feel I am a prisoner to my circumstances. My emotional feelings over retirement contribute to my health issues being worse and I know that, but once again knowing and doing something about it are two different things.

It may not sound important to others, but it has proven important to me – it is difficult for me not to be able to go places by myself and not need someone with me all the time. I think a similar situation could become a problem for husbands and wives who during a working career had a break from each other five days a week. They retire and find they are together 24/7 and that can create all kinds of problems. I have sat in malls and watched older men following behind their wives carrying shopping bags, bend over, looking defeated and wondered if the man was once the head of a corporation, a doctor, a professor or entrepreneur and now is reduced to being a ‘bag boy’. I think it is important for retirees to try and maintain some semblance of independence.

My one outlet to the world is my blog and yearly book. I admit I have concerns of getting Alzheimer’s since it seems to be a plague for my mother’s side of the family. Through observation of my own family I have come to believe maintaining a good social life where different people meet regularly in a mutually enjoyable activity slows Alzheimer’s. Those in my family that suffered from Alzheimer’s retired and locked themselves off from the world. I unfortunately have made maintaining a good social life difficult by moving to a foreign country where I have to deal with a language barrier. If I had it to do over again I do not know that I would choose to leave behind an established social life that took years to cultivate.

I allowed myself to get away from a structured life and that did not work for me. I spend half the morning in bed and the only activity of my day was going to the mall for coffee.  I have now started getting up at the same time as the rest of the world, washing and dressing, as I had all my life prior to retirement. I am assisting my caregiver and his sister in opening a small cantina and sari-sari store to occupy my time and I hope it makes me feel more productive and needed. I have contacted Field of Dreams Boys Home and getting involved with that organization on a limited basis. I am shopping around for a new parish in an attempt to find a priest that is willing to devote the time needed to prepare a decent homily so I can once again have an opportunity to learn.

I have always planned my income and expenditure at the beginning of each year and I continued that after retirement. I had planned financially for my retirement so at the moment finances is not a problem for me. I realize I am no longer in a position to earn more money so I am stricter on myself than before retirement. I would like for everyone to know the days when a pension was big enough to leave a person as well-off as when working have passed. Young people should start saving for retirement out of their first paycheck and make it a habit. The amount does not have to be great, but your loyalty to a retirement fund must be.

I am not an expert on retirement or depression, but in closing I would like to offer a few suggestions that have been given to me. Some of the suggestions came too late for me, but maybe not for you:

•Lead a balanced lifestyle and cultivate interests outside of work.

•Don’t wait until retirement to plan what to do with your time. Plan ahead.

•Prevent isolation by getting involved in activities where you can socialize and meet people with the same interests or in a similar position.

®Do not assume your children and grandchildren will be there to entertain you when you retire.

•If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression, seek help as soon as possible. I waited until I cried at the most inappropriate times before I shared my problem with my cardiologist because I was too embarrassed to share what I saw as a weakness, but I found him to be most helpful.

How do you know you may be suffering from depression: If you have any of the following signs you should consider the possibility you are depressed.

•Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

•Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

•Loss of pleasure or interest in ordinary activities

•Problems with sleep (sleeping too much or too little)

•Loss of appetite or overeating

•Decreased energy

•Restlessness or irritability

•Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

•Inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I myself was feeling hopelessness and had become pessimistic; I no longer was interested in the things that once had been important to me; Sleeping had become a major issue; I lost sixty pounds in less than one year; I had no energy; I became extremely irritable with everything and everyone; Concentration became a problem and I felt guilty because God has always blessed me abundantly and continued to do so in spite of myself.

Even though I knew the signs of depression and counseled people with depression I refused to accept that depression and not strictly physical health issues were my problem. I have always been an advocate for mental health, counseling and medication, but when it came to my personal depression that was an entirely different story. I saw my depression as a weakness or lack of faith, something I would never associate with someone else’s depression. Do not let pride stand in your way of getting help.

Thank you Dr. Roy Barcinas, M.D., Davao, Philippines, for your advice!