Unlimited Surveillance is carrying surveillance too far and not working

If Washington was really interested in reforming NSA why would they appoint Senator Dianne Feinstein to oversee primary oversight of NSA? She has long been a supporter of the U.S. national security industry. This is one area where she often voted against her fellow Democrat Representatives and Senators. Does she not have a conflict of interest when much of her husband’s income is derived from military contracts?  Senator Feinstein in my opinion is like putting the fox in charge of hen house.

Dianne Feinstein has argued in USA Today that metadata collection of all Americans’ telephone records is not surveillance at all because the actual conversations are not recorded. I think when the U.S. government knows when you called, who you called, who called you, length of each call and frequency of calls that is surveillance and an invasion of privacy.  When they can do the same with your emails that is surveillance and invasion of privacy. It gives the government a clear picture of your associations, activities and a general picture of your daily routine when pieced together. Why should the government have the right to know if you are using a dating service, contacting a gay or lesbian organization, seeking help from an addiction clinic or HIV clinic, etc.?

An August 2010 document that Snowden released to the public revealed that the U.S. spied on members of the United Nation so they would have a heads-up on how they intended to vote on upcoming votes. Edward Snowden’s revelations for the first time allowed people to know the true extent of the surveillance capabilities of the U.S. Government and the dangers it posed to a democratic governance. Privacy is at the very core of our being free people.

NSA does not have to listen to every call we make or read every email we send just the thought that they can is enough to cause people to fear and fall in line. That is really the intent of state surveillance. The threat of government surveillance psychologically inhibits our freedom of speech. If the surveillance worked you may could concede we need it, but it does not work we have seen that over and over just recently in Orlando, Florida.

We all have secrets. We all have personal information that we do not want to share with the public and that does not mean the information is wrong or illegal. I did not as a child want people to know my father was an alcoholic. It took many years in ministry before I would share that I had a sister who had been married five times and divorced. That is not something Catholics, especially Catholic priest want to make public. Washington is quite aware that the mere existence of government surveillance stifles the ability for one to dissent that is why it is so important to them.

NSA databases store information about your political views, your medical history, your relationships and they tell us we have nothing to worry about. I do not trust human nature enough not to be concerned. I certainly do not trust the hypocrites in Washington that have no real convictions except a thirst for more power.  The IRS has conveniently leak private information in the past, especially when an administration is trying to defeat a particular candidate and so will the NSA.

The true measure of a society’s freedom is how it treats dissident and marginalized groups not how it treats good loyalist. Even the worst tyrants protect their loyalist from abuse. In a democracy we should not have to be loyalist to the present administration to feel safe. Some of the richest people in the Philippines today were loyalist of Marcos and had their futures protected regardless if Marcos remained in power or not.

In 2013 the Pew Research Center revealed 70%  of U.S. citizens surveyed thought the U.S. government uses information gathered from surveillance for things other than terrorism. It was even more revealing that the majority now feel Americans should be more concerned about government surveillance than terrorism. Forty-seven percent said they knew the government had taken surveillance too far and abused it.

The indifference or support for unlimited surveillance by government is generally held by those who think themselves exempt from abusive government power. That kind of complacency by the people always leads to abuse. The Japanese Americans never thought that they would be hauled off and put in camps, but during World War II they were. Most of us never thought government surveillance would be used against anyone in the U.S. except Muslims, but it is.

The communication of the Brazilian oil giant Petrobras or spying on negotiation sessions at an economic summit or targeting the democratically elected leaders of allied nations or collecting all Americans communications records has nothing to do with terrorism. Terrorism is a pretext to allow unlimited surveillance of our citizens. Did it stop the 2012 Boston Marathon bombing, did it stop the San Bernardino slayings, did it stop the attempted bombing of an airline over Detroit, did it stop the plans to blow up Times Square or the plans to attack the New York Subway?  Did it stop the major international attacks from London to Mumbai to Madrid?

CBS News host Bob Schieffer denounce Snowden as a “narcissistic young man who thinks he is smarter than the rest of us.”  Politico’s Roger Simon called Snowden a loser because he dropped out of high school. Democratic congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz called Snowden a coward. Congressman Mike Rogers  switched from calling him a spy for China to a spy for Russia without any proof whatsoever. The truth is Edward Snowden was going to Latin America via Russia and when the plane arrived in Russia he was forced to stay there because the U.S. government had cancel his passport. He is not in Russia by choice.  

I NOW believe Edward Snowden has done more for America and freedom than Schieffer, Simon, Schultz, Rogers and all the other Snowden detractors put together. Pardon Edward Snowden and let him come home if he still wants to come home - I do not know if I would or not!

Lose your independence and you lose your freedom

I believe the most difficult thing I have had to deal with in aging is the lost of my independence due to health issues. I am now 75 and I realize the end is nearer than it was just a few years ago, but that does not concern me. We all travel the same path when born and that path ultimately leads to death.

My father died when I was a teenager and I guess that made death more of reality for me than to most young people. The first thing I bought when I got out of high school was cemetery lots and a burial policy. I have always kept my funeral plans written down in order not to burden someone with it later. It may sound morbid to some, but to me it was being practical and responsible.

My father was a good man, but he was an alcoholic until two years before he died. His problem made me want a different life. My great grandfather, grandfather, father and his two brothers were alcoholics, but SUCCESSFUL men. I wanted the success without the addiction problem so I avoided anything and everything that I thought my lead to an addiction.  

I learned early on material things cannot make you happy. I never heard my father say I love you or I am proud of you – NEVER! At 75 that still leaves an emotional scar. My mother would tell me you know your father loves you he just does not know how to show it. Those words brought little comfort to me. It has been said you do not grow up missing what you never had, but I do not think that is true. I think if in your childhood you felt unloved you can always long for love and it can lead you to making poor choices in matters of love.

Because we never knew what might set my father off I learned it was best to be very quiet around the house. Trying to prevent any conflict made me very observant of the things around me and very responsible. My father was not physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive and it created an unsafe atmosphere that I cannot escape even until this day.

I grew up with a need to please others. I cannot say if it was to gain friends and influence people or if it made me feel more secure and safe. I do know now that trying to please everyone does not work. I really learned that in ministry. There are always factions and divisions in the church and I finally realized I could not please the entire parish so one Sunday I made it clear that from then on I  was only interested in pleasing God and doing what I felt God was leading me to do and if anyone did not like it they knew where the door was and I hope they found things better at their new parish. When you try to please everyone you lose all sense of authority. I later realized that was my mother’s problem.

As a young adult, prior to ministry, I felt so unsafe and insecure that I always ended relationships when they became too close. I always felt they were going to end anyway and it was less painful if I ended them rather than be rejected by someone else.  I realize how unfair that was and I am now aware that it possibly prevented me from having a loving wife, children and grandchildren today. I do not think it had anything to do with me wanting to be a minister, but it could have had a lot to do with me wanting to be a Catholic priest.

I always felt a need to be available to those who were suffering. Unfortunately for many years I felt a need to try and fix the problems and when I could not it left me depressed. I am still learning to do the best I can and then let it go. I have also learned that sometimes when you try to fix someone else’s problems you can do more harm than good.

All my life I have found it difficult to ask anyone for help. I am still guilty of that. I do not know if it is because I am afraid they will not come through or that I do not want to be a burden on others. I also find it difficult to deal with the emotions when people express gratitude for things I have done for them, but then I resent it when people take my help for granted. I am really screwed up in many ways. It gives me great joy to bless others and I am blessed when I do.

I have always been very restless always looking for new projects.  I have had many people say Father you have done many great things why don’t you just rest. The words rest and quit are not in my vocabulary. Rest makes me bored. That is what makes old age and bad health so hard for me to deal with. I view life as being short and I do not want to waste any of it. If I can do two or more things at a time I will. 

Friends tease me about my vacations. I spend months planning them out, hour per hour, more time planning than the time I spend on the vacation. I know I only have a limited time in each place and I do not want to miss anything by wasting time looking for something to do. I even map out every location I want to see. I do not think I have ever really been content or satisfied. I always feel there is more, more adventure, more to do, more to accomplish, etc.

I often think of leaving the Philippines, but deep down I know that would not solve my problems. I would still have the same issues to deal with, but the excitement of moving is still there. I constantly need new stimulation. I am still impatient a trait I certainly do not like. My caregiver is constantly telling me I make decision too fast and that I rely on instincts too much.  I suppose it may be a sign of some immaturity, but to me it is a sign of faith. When you feel something is right why waste time going through all the what ifs and maybes. If you fail learn from your mistakes, pick yourself up and move forward.

Often I understand something rationally and intellectually, but it does not change the way I feel emotionally. I see a problem and I know it is not my problem, but emotionally I feel a need to do what I can and I do. It usually turns out for the best, but I have had guns and knifes pulled on me when trying to stop a fight. Once in Galveston two homeless men were fighting in the street outside the Salvation Army. I stop my car and went to try and end the fight. A social worker at the Salvation Army that knew me came running out screaming and when all had calm down she said Father why do you do things like that. You could have been hurt or even killed and for what. Those men contribute nothing to society. I do not know why, but it is just something I always did and would do now if I could.

If you can understand why you do things it helps. I now understand a lot of what I did and do comes out of my problems in childhood. I wish all parents realized the lifetime impressions they are making on their children daily. Those impressions can lead your child to happiness or a life of sadness, greatness or failure, the ability to love or not be able to love. Your role as parents is most likely the most important role you will ever have in your life.

I would also like to warn those who are always craving more not to mess up what they have in order to get more. No mater how much “more” you have you most likely will always want “more”. Never being satisfied can lead you to disaster or greatness depending on how you manage it. If the need for things controls you instead of you controlling the need you are on the road to disaster.

Much of our adult life is influenced by what happened to us as children. The memories, feeling and fears are still their in our subconscious. Still there waiting to help us move forward or to set us back. Be wise and control them - do not let them control you. We like to think we are our own people, but sometimes if we look close enough we discover we are not. History has a habit of repeating itself.

Growing old has a way of making everything from the past fall in place. Things I once could not talk about I can freely recall and talk about today. Things I spent a lifetime trying not to face I can face with confidence.  I am grateful to God that the hard times have not made me hardhearted. I by the grace of God remain open to being hurt again. I have always been able to forgive, not forget, but forgive and forgiveness sets you free.

I spoke of avoiding addictions. I avoided substance addition, but the addition to work I did not. I am a workaholic. That to makes lost of my independence even more difficult so begin to day to try and learn how to BALANCE your time between work and pleasure. There may come a time when your daily work routine will be interrupted, but your relationship with others never has to be interrupted if you continual nourish them.

I would not want to relive life, but I am glad for all the opportunities God has given me good and bad for I have learned from them all.

Do not be hard on yourself. Do not filter what you truly believe in order to please others. Always be honest and truthful. Always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through at any given time. Remember we were not created to always be happy regardless of what some preacher or friend tells you. If we were always happy we would not appreciate the happy times as we do. Always hold on to hope for without hope life is over.

If you do not remember any of what I have written please remember this EVERYONE has good and bad times. Everyone has happy days and depressing days. Everyone has problems and secrets. No one is perfect not even that man or woman you call your religious leader. He or she carries some baggage from childhood and is influence by past experience just like you.

You are marrying their past if you want to admit it or not.

Today more and more people are getting married without knowing anything about their partner’s present family or their childhood family relationships. I could not begin to tell you the number of times I have been told, “I am not marrying his or her family I am marrying them.”  You are marrying his or her past childhood family relationships and sometimes present family relationships if you want to admit it or not. We learn how to live in relationships from our families.

Here is a true story from a man whose father was an alcoholic, ““I want so much to trust that love isn’t going to cost me in the long run. I grew up with a father who loved me to death when he was sober, but beat me when he was drunk. I tried to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him, but I was usually wrong. He had two sides, as I guess most people do, but they were nothing like each other. I still always wanted his approval and I think I’m looking for that in my relationships. But I keep pulling away when someone gives too much. I keep waiting to be clobbered. Better just not to get too close.”

That anticipation of waiting to be clobbered prevented him from establishing trust in any personal relationship. Anyone who marries him, without him working out his own childhood demons, is marrying remnants of his father. If you think that is not important to your relationship or marriage you have better think again.

I am the product of a good man who was an alcoholic. People would have thought our life was charmed, but it wasn’t. My mother was an enabler and taught us at an early age how to keep the family secret. He provided all the material things we could possibly ever need or want. Our emotional needs were never met. It was like walking on egg shells in our home. We never knew what would set him off. There was no physical abuse, but there was mental abuse, name calling, humiliation, cursing, etc. If you think mental abuse cannot be as damaging as physical abuse you are wrong. I think you can get over childhood physical abuse easier than mental abuse.

I knew from the time I started dating that something was wrong with me when it came to maintaining personal relationships, but I could not put my finger on the problem. I reasoned that I became bored easily and always wanted something new. Years later I was in Galveston, Texas and picked up a small book in a used bookstore title, “Children of alcoholics”. I thumbed through the book and was intrigued. I purchased the book and went to a nearby park and sat down and read the entire book. I finally knew what was wrong with me, my childhood family relationships, had doomed my future relationships.

I learned when children are raised in environments where love is associated with fear, they have only two choices. The first is to tolerate the pain in order to get the love that goes with it and the second is to run from the pain and go without love. I was like a deer in headlights and had hoped that things would resolve themselves and it was not happening.  I had no problem attracting love, but I always ran before the anticipated betrayal occurred.  If there was to be any breaking up I wanted to be the one to end the relationship. I could not handle rejection.

I would always begin the relationship giving the love I did not get from my father, but in the back of my mind the fear of rejection loomed. I would test my partner to see if they really loved me. The testing needless to say always damaged the relationship.

This is the response of the partner to the young man I mentioned earlier, “I think I’m doing everything to make him feel loved and cared for, but just when I’m gaining ground, he finds just one thing I did wrong and sees me as having a hidden agenda to rip him off. Sometimes he tells me he’s never felt so loved and accepted and that’s what keeps me going. Then, he turns on me. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know how much more I can give and never be trusted.” This could easily have been the comments of any of my partners.

I wanted to trust my partner without being in control of my every thought and action, but I felt more secure with them knowing the least they could about my needs and desires, because I felt that gave them less control over me. Every time I seem to open up and let my partner in I got hurt. If I wasn’t hurting I was wondering when they would hurt me. I generally would run before they had a chance to do so.   

It is hard to believe that my being hard to get close to actually attracted some people to me. I guess it was a challenge for them, a game to see who would win. The harder they tried the more I looked for a reason to run. I feared being dominated. The sad thing is some of them, maybe most of them, may have been sincere in their love for me and had no interest in controlling me. I may have misread their trying to be close to me as wanting to control me. If that was the case I was the looser.  

I never wanted to be obligated to anyone and always felt if my partner gave me too much I would be obligated to them. Whatever they gave me I had to give better in return in order not to feel obligated. So many times I have mentioned I wanted something and when my partner wanted to get it for me I would pretend I no longer wanted it. I always made sure that my partner was getting more out of the relationship than me because I did not want to feel trapped or owing when I did run.

I was familiar with past relationships where I was burned by people who used coercion, guilt, or threats to try and keep me in a relationship and I did not want to repeat those experiences. I had accepted their offers of attention and gifts only to find out later that those behaviors were attached to expected entitlements in return.

I began to build relationships with people I knew were weaker than me, had less than me, were not as intelligent as me thinking they would not try to control me. If there was to be any controlling done I would be the controller. That did not work because the relationships did not stimulate me.

People who have had their boundaries violated as children or in prior relationships build strong walls around them. They feel that the only way they are safe is to never let a partner know what they are feeling. They especially, do not want a partner to know or think they may need them. It makes no difference that we may want to be loved and feel secure we just cannot do it because of the fear of rejection. It is hard work pretending you do not care as much as you do.

We may act as if nothing our partners offer matters that much, but secretly inside it matters a lot. Outwardly we can act quite indifferent when inwardly we are enjoying the gifts. We have to keep our guard up at all times for the anticipated rejection that surely will come later. We may act like separation does not matter when in reality it feels like our world is ending.

When a person can’t love because of childhood trauma, past failures or anticipation of hurt, they are frustrating to their partners. Human beings live in harmony by creating an atmosphere of giving and receiving. They learn rhythms of sharing and exchange that builds trust and future expectations. When one person gives and the other either doesn’t take it, or pretends not to, the imbalance will eventually harm the relationship.

If you are a person who cannot let love in, you can change. The first step is to recognize what you are doing. The second is to share those underlying reasons and your desire to change with your current partner if you are in a relationship. The third is to challenge your old behaviors as you observe them happening and choose to take a different path. Over time and with lots of work - I found counseling extremely helpful - your interactions will become more authentic, you will begin to feel the joy of living your life without the need to protect yourself by keeping love away.

I am not saying that a time will come when you do not have to work at not reverting back to your old ways, at least I did not find that to be the case. You may also begin to over compensate like I did and tend to stay in toxic relationships far too long because you want to make sure you are not slipping back into your old patterns. 

Those that are thinking of marrying a person that you know nothing about their family interactions or childhood and think they are not important let me warn you - you are making a terrible mistake and if you do not think it matters you are living in a fantasy world.

Those from dysfunction background need to get help before they marry after they marry it is generally too late.