Lose your independence and you lose your freedom

I believe the most difficult thing I have had to deal with in aging is the lost of my independence due to health issues. I am now 75 and I realize the end is nearer than it was just a few years ago, but that does not concern me. We all travel the same path when born and that path ultimately leads to death.

My father died when I was a teenager and I guess that made death more of reality for me than to most young people. The first thing I bought when I got out of high school was cemetery lots and a burial policy. I have always kept my funeral plans written down in order not to burden someone with it later. It may sound morbid to some, but to me it was being practical and responsible.

My father was a good man, but he was an alcoholic until two years before he died. His problem made me want a different life. My great grandfather, grandfather, father and his two brothers were alcoholics, but SUCCESSFUL men. I wanted the success without the addiction problem so I avoided anything and everything that I thought my lead to an addiction.  

I learned early on material things cannot make you happy. I never heard my father say I love you or I am proud of you – NEVER! At 75 that still leaves an emotional scar. My mother would tell me you know your father loves you he just does not know how to show it. Those words brought little comfort to me. It has been said you do not grow up missing what you never had, but I do not think that is true. I think if in your childhood you felt unloved you can always long for love and it can lead you to making poor choices in matters of love.

Because we never knew what might set my father off I learned it was best to be very quiet around the house. Trying to prevent any conflict made me very observant of the things around me and very responsible. My father was not physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive and it created an unsafe atmosphere that I cannot escape even until this day.

I grew up with a need to please others. I cannot say if it was to gain friends and influence people or if it made me feel more secure and safe. I do know now that trying to please everyone does not work. I really learned that in ministry. There are always factions and divisions in the church and I finally realized I could not please the entire parish so one Sunday I made it clear that from then on I  was only interested in pleasing God and doing what I felt God was leading me to do and if anyone did not like it they knew where the door was and I hope they found things better at their new parish. When you try to please everyone you lose all sense of authority. I later realized that was my mother’s problem.

As a young adult, prior to ministry, I felt so unsafe and insecure that I always ended relationships when they became too close. I always felt they were going to end anyway and it was less painful if I ended them rather than be rejected by someone else.  I realize how unfair that was and I am now aware that it possibly prevented me from having a loving wife, children and grandchildren today. I do not think it had anything to do with me wanting to be a minister, but it could have had a lot to do with me wanting to be a Catholic priest.

I always felt a need to be available to those who were suffering. Unfortunately for many years I felt a need to try and fix the problems and when I could not it left me depressed. I am still learning to do the best I can and then let it go. I have also learned that sometimes when you try to fix someone else’s problems you can do more harm than good.

All my life I have found it difficult to ask anyone for help. I am still guilty of that. I do not know if it is because I am afraid they will not come through or that I do not want to be a burden on others. I also find it difficult to deal with the emotions when people express gratitude for things I have done for them, but then I resent it when people take my help for granted. I am really screwed up in many ways. It gives me great joy to bless others and I am blessed when I do.

I have always been very restless always looking for new projects.  I have had many people say Father you have done many great things why don’t you just rest. The words rest and quit are not in my vocabulary. Rest makes me bored. That is what makes old age and bad health so hard for me to deal with. I view life as being short and I do not want to waste any of it. If I can do two or more things at a time I will. 

Friends tease me about my vacations. I spend months planning them out, hour per hour, more time planning than the time I spend on the vacation. I know I only have a limited time in each place and I do not want to miss anything by wasting time looking for something to do. I even map out every location I want to see. I do not think I have ever really been content or satisfied. I always feel there is more, more adventure, more to do, more to accomplish, etc.

I often think of leaving the Philippines, but deep down I know that would not solve my problems. I would still have the same issues to deal with, but the excitement of moving is still there. I constantly need new stimulation. I am still impatient a trait I certainly do not like. My caregiver is constantly telling me I make decision too fast and that I rely on instincts too much.  I suppose it may be a sign of some immaturity, but to me it is a sign of faith. When you feel something is right why waste time going through all the what ifs and maybes. If you fail learn from your mistakes, pick yourself up and move forward.

Often I understand something rationally and intellectually, but it does not change the way I feel emotionally. I see a problem and I know it is not my problem, but emotionally I feel a need to do what I can and I do. It usually turns out for the best, but I have had guns and knifes pulled on me when trying to stop a fight. Once in Galveston two homeless men were fighting in the street outside the Salvation Army. I stop my car and went to try and end the fight. A social worker at the Salvation Army that knew me came running out screaming and when all had calm down she said Father why do you do things like that. You could have been hurt or even killed and for what. Those men contribute nothing to society. I do not know why, but it is just something I always did and would do now if I could.

If you can understand why you do things it helps. I now understand a lot of what I did and do comes out of my problems in childhood. I wish all parents realized the lifetime impressions they are making on their children daily. Those impressions can lead your child to happiness or a life of sadness, greatness or failure, the ability to love or not be able to love. Your role as parents is most likely the most important role you will ever have in your life.

I would also like to warn those who are always craving more not to mess up what they have in order to get more. No mater how much “more” you have you most likely will always want “more”. Never being satisfied can lead you to disaster or greatness depending on how you manage it. If the need for things controls you instead of you controlling the need you are on the road to disaster.

Much of our adult life is influenced by what happened to us as children. The memories, feeling and fears are still their in our subconscious. Still there waiting to help us move forward or to set us back. Be wise and control them - do not let them control you. We like to think we are our own people, but sometimes if we look close enough we discover we are not. History has a habit of repeating itself.

Growing old has a way of making everything from the past fall in place. Things I once could not talk about I can freely recall and talk about today. Things I spent a lifetime trying not to face I can face with confidence.  I am grateful to God that the hard times have not made me hardhearted. I by the grace of God remain open to being hurt again. I have always been able to forgive, not forget, but forgive and forgiveness sets you free.

I spoke of avoiding addictions. I avoided substance addition, but the addition to work I did not. I am a workaholic. That to makes lost of my independence even more difficult so begin to day to try and learn how to BALANCE your time between work and pleasure. There may come a time when your daily work routine will be interrupted, but your relationship with others never has to be interrupted if you continual nourish them.

I would not want to relive life, but I am glad for all the opportunities God has given me good and bad for I have learned from them all.

Do not be hard on yourself. Do not filter what you truly believe in order to please others. Always be honest and truthful. Always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through at any given time. Remember we were not created to always be happy regardless of what some preacher or friend tells you. If we were always happy we would not appreciate the happy times as we do. Always hold on to hope for without hope life is over.

If you do not remember any of what I have written please remember this EVERYONE has good and bad times. Everyone has happy days and depressing days. Everyone has problems and secrets. No one is perfect not even that man or woman you call your religious leader. He or she carries some baggage from childhood and is influence by past experience just like you.

You are marrying their past if you want to admit it or not.

Today more and more people are getting married without knowing anything about their partner’s present family or their childhood family relationships. I could not begin to tell you the number of times I have been told, “I am not marrying his or her family I am marrying them.”  You are marrying his or her past childhood family relationships and sometimes present family relationships if you want to admit it or not. We learn how to live in relationships from our families.

Here is a true story from a man whose father was an alcoholic, ““I want so much to trust that love isn’t going to cost me in the long run. I grew up with a father who loved me to death when he was sober, but beat me when he was drunk. I tried to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him, but I was usually wrong. He had two sides, as I guess most people do, but they were nothing like each other. I still always wanted his approval and I think I’m looking for that in my relationships. But I keep pulling away when someone gives too much. I keep waiting to be clobbered. Better just not to get too close.”

That anticipation of waiting to be clobbered prevented him from establishing trust in any personal relationship. Anyone who marries him, without him working out his own childhood demons, is marrying remnants of his father. If you think that is not important to your relationship or marriage you have better think again.

I am the product of a good man who was an alcoholic. People would have thought our life was charmed, but it wasn’t. My mother was an enabler and taught us at an early age how to keep the family secret. He provided all the material things we could possibly ever need or want. Our emotional needs were never met. It was like walking on egg shells in our home. We never knew what would set him off. There was no physical abuse, but there was mental abuse, name calling, humiliation, cursing, etc. If you think mental abuse cannot be as damaging as physical abuse you are wrong. I think you can get over childhood physical abuse easier than mental abuse.

I knew from the time I started dating that something was wrong with me when it came to maintaining personal relationships, but I could not put my finger on the problem. I reasoned that I became bored easily and always wanted something new. Years later I was in Galveston, Texas and picked up a small book in a used bookstore title, “Children of alcoholics”. I thumbed through the book and was intrigued. I purchased the book and went to a nearby park and sat down and read the entire book. I finally knew what was wrong with me, my childhood family relationships, had doomed my future relationships.

I learned when children are raised in environments where love is associated with fear, they have only two choices. The first is to tolerate the pain in order to get the love that goes with it and the second is to run from the pain and go without love. I was like a deer in headlights and had hoped that things would resolve themselves and it was not happening.  I had no problem attracting love, but I always ran before the anticipated betrayal occurred.  If there was to be any breaking up I wanted to be the one to end the relationship. I could not handle rejection.

I would always begin the relationship giving the love I did not get from my father, but in the back of my mind the fear of rejection loomed. I would test my partner to see if they really loved me. The testing needless to say always damaged the relationship.

This is the response of the partner to the young man I mentioned earlier, “I think I’m doing everything to make him feel loved and cared for, but just when I’m gaining ground, he finds just one thing I did wrong and sees me as having a hidden agenda to rip him off. Sometimes he tells me he’s never felt so loved and accepted and that’s what keeps me going. Then, he turns on me. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know how much more I can give and never be trusted.” This could easily have been the comments of any of my partners.

I wanted to trust my partner without being in control of my every thought and action, but I felt more secure with them knowing the least they could about my needs and desires, because I felt that gave them less control over me. Every time I seem to open up and let my partner in I got hurt. If I wasn’t hurting I was wondering when they would hurt me. I generally would run before they had a chance to do so.   

It is hard to believe that my being hard to get close to actually attracted some people to me. I guess it was a challenge for them, a game to see who would win. The harder they tried the more I looked for a reason to run. I feared being dominated. The sad thing is some of them, maybe most of them, may have been sincere in their love for me and had no interest in controlling me. I may have misread their trying to be close to me as wanting to control me. If that was the case I was the looser.  

I never wanted to be obligated to anyone and always felt if my partner gave me too much I would be obligated to them. Whatever they gave me I had to give better in return in order not to feel obligated. So many times I have mentioned I wanted something and when my partner wanted to get it for me I would pretend I no longer wanted it. I always made sure that my partner was getting more out of the relationship than me because I did not want to feel trapped or owing when I did run.

I was familiar with past relationships where I was burned by people who used coercion, guilt, or threats to try and keep me in a relationship and I did not want to repeat those experiences. I had accepted their offers of attention and gifts only to find out later that those behaviors were attached to expected entitlements in return.

I began to build relationships with people I knew were weaker than me, had less than me, were not as intelligent as me thinking they would not try to control me. If there was to be any controlling done I would be the controller. That did not work because the relationships did not stimulate me.

People who have had their boundaries violated as children or in prior relationships build strong walls around them. They feel that the only way they are safe is to never let a partner know what they are feeling. They especially, do not want a partner to know or think they may need them. It makes no difference that we may want to be loved and feel secure we just cannot do it because of the fear of rejection. It is hard work pretending you do not care as much as you do.

We may act as if nothing our partners offer matters that much, but secretly inside it matters a lot. Outwardly we can act quite indifferent when inwardly we are enjoying the gifts. We have to keep our guard up at all times for the anticipated rejection that surely will come later. We may act like separation does not matter when in reality it feels like our world is ending.

When a person can’t love because of childhood trauma, past failures or anticipation of hurt, they are frustrating to their partners. Human beings live in harmony by creating an atmosphere of giving and receiving. They learn rhythms of sharing and exchange that builds trust and future expectations. When one person gives and the other either doesn’t take it, or pretends not to, the imbalance will eventually harm the relationship.

If you are a person who cannot let love in, you can change. The first step is to recognize what you are doing. The second is to share those underlying reasons and your desire to change with your current partner if you are in a relationship. The third is to challenge your old behaviors as you observe them happening and choose to take a different path. Over time and with lots of work - I found counseling extremely helpful - your interactions will become more authentic, you will begin to feel the joy of living your life without the need to protect yourself by keeping love away.

I am not saying that a time will come when you do not have to work at not reverting back to your old ways, at least I did not find that to be the case. You may also begin to over compensate like I did and tend to stay in toxic relationships far too long because you want to make sure you are not slipping back into your old patterns. 

Those that are thinking of marrying a person that you know nothing about their family interactions or childhood and think they are not important let me warn you - you are making a terrible mistake and if you do not think it matters you are living in a fantasy world.

Those from dysfunction background need to get help before they marry after they marry it is generally too late.

Reconciliation is more important than gifts at Christmas

This Christmas was difficult for me. I posted a blog a few days ago about “toxic friendships” and said there were two friendships that I must end before 2016. I still intend to end those relationships, but in my heart I feel a tugging by God that it is not the “Christian” thing to do.

The thought of walking away and not attempting to reconcile, one more time, has brought me lots of pain. I cannot help recall that Jesus Christ suffered, and died in order that I could be reconciled with God the Father.

I know if I even attempted to reconcile they would say they did not intend to make me feel as I do and that I misunderstood their actions. That is what they have said many times before. They will give an insincere apology that does not come with change. I have traveled that road many times over the past eight years with them and I just do not want to travel it again. I do not want to pretend any longer that we have a relationship that we do not have.

I debated all Christmas day if I should take the long road back or just take another path in 2016.  Reconciliation with them would not be comfortable and honestly seems pointless.

But, I feel I need to try to reconcile not for my relationship with them, but for my relationship with God.  Reconciliation is so much a part of our Christian faith.

“Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconcile” – it is easy to sing about, but when it comes to sinner and sinner reconciling that is not always so easy to do. I can think of many reasons not to reconcile with them, but then I recall all the things I have done that God could use as reasons not to reconcile with me. 

I know the Bible and that makes it even more difficult because I know the scriptures that point out my sins. I know when I mistreat someone God loves I mistreat God. When I am unreconciled with one that God loves I am unreconciled with Him. I believe Christ in many ways said we cannot be reconciled with God if we are not reconciled with our brothers and sisters. God loves them as He loves me!

“If you come to my altar to offer your sacrifice and you remember you are not reconciled with a brother or sister leave your gift and go reconcile with them and then return and offer your gift to me.” God makes it difficult to not be at peace with others, but how can you be at peace with others when peace means nothing to them if they are not getting exactly what they want from you. What about tough love?

The true meaning of Christmas is the baby Jesus who is our reconciliation with God. But, I am sure they have never thought about that so why should I – I know that is secular response and not the Christian response.

I am praying for help from the Holy Spirit, because on my own, I cannot sweep past hurt under the rug any longer.

If God and sinner can be reconciled then how can Christians withhold the offer of reconciliation to others even if they do not accept it or simply do not care? I want to challenge you to do the right thing today – to do what God would want you to do – not what I am presently doing. If you are thinking of someone that you are at odds with right now at least consider reconciling with them. I can testify to the fact that if you are a Christian being unreconciled with others does bring pain!  I want to do what Christ did for me, but at the moment I just cannot bring myself to do it – the dysfunction is just too great.

“The pursued of peace without the promise of peace is never a waste of time.”  Knowing the right thing to do (reconciling) and doing it is difficult sometimes even for ministers. Keep that in mind in 2016 if you ever feel your minister has failed you – he or she is human just like you - they may think you failed them. 

Why do people expect more than they are willing to give?

I received an email from a woman that I have known for many years.  I would consider her and her husband friends.  I have not seen them since I moved to the Philippines, but we keep in touch.  I love them both equally. .I enjoyed their company and I respect them both. 

I was not shocked by her email as she expected me to be, because I saw each of their faults and I always thought they would eventually lead to serious problems.  I admit I thought the problems would have begun sooner than they did.

It is difficult to minister to close friends.  You try to do so without affecting your personal relationship and that is nearly impossible.  If the relationship is extremely important to you then you try to get your point across without really stating your point and that never works and that is exactly what I did. 

I regret it now, but I doubt if either would have appreciated or heeded my advice if I had been upfront back then.  I have thought many times over the years I had been wrong about their relationship because if they had made it this long they would make it to the end. 

She began her email by stating, “You will never believe what happen to us, but after forty years of marriage (X) has ask me for a divorce and has moved out.  Can you believe that?  I am willing to give him the divorce without putting up a fight, but I need to know why and he refuses to tell me.  At first I thought it was another woman or even a man, but I know now that is not the case.  He is in the process of purchasing a small house next door to our oldest daughter and her husband.  I know you must be as shocked as I am, but if you can help me figure this out I would appreciate it.  Love X” 

I replied, “Do you really want to know what I think or do you want me to just try and console you.  The choice is yours.  You know I love you both and it breaks my heart that this has happen, but truthfully I saw it coming many years ago.  Let me know what you want from me.”

She replied she wanted me to tell her what I honestly thought the problem was and not hold back.  She asks did I think he was going through a mid-life crisis.  She has spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure the problem out on her own and by asking others for help and no one has been honest with her.  I assume knowing them like I do they both have prayed about this matter daily. 

How do you tell one of your best friends that you cannot expect more out of a relationship than you put into it, but that is exactly what I had to do?  Of course at first she did not agree with me, but I think over several months she has come to see that much of the problem was her ambition.  To be frank her GREED! 

When I began to deal with her about the problem I ask her to advise me what she felt she had contributed to the relationship and to list at least ten items.  This is her list: 1. I worked at the same place of employment from before we were married until now and as you know I made more money than he did.  2. We were able to take very nice vacations every year from the additional money I brought home.  3.  We were able to send our daughters to the best universities and get them started in life because of my income.  4.  We were able to live in a very nice home in a very nice neighborhood with very nice furnishings due to my income.  5. We each had nice automobiles and were able to provide nice automobiles to the girls when they were living at home.  6. I did not cheat on him and cheating never crossed my mind, although I had many opportunities.  7. I attended football games, basketball games and baseball games with him and you know how I hate sports events.  8.  When he needed clothes I went and picked them out because he did not like to shop and he had bad taste in clothes.  9. I was a good wife and mother.  10. HE KNEW I loved him.

I ask her if she read what she emailed me.  Five of the ten had to do with the money she provided to the relationship.  There was nothing mentioned about meeting emotional needs. Relationships need more than money.

Number six was something any wife or husband is expected to do.  Number seven she stated she does not like sports and everyone knew that because she told everyone and never let him forget the sacrifices she made to attend the games.  Number eight I do not know if I believed it or not.  I tend to believe she did not let him shop for his own clothes because she is particular about her appearance and wanted him to look his best when with her.  I needed her to define number nine to me as to what she thought made a good mother and wife.  How did he know she loved him?  I never saw the two of them holding hands, I never heard an argument, but I never heard verbal expression of love or saw physical signs of love between the two of them.  I heard her say many times when people took offense to what she said to him,  “He knows I love him and only say things that are good for him,”

Before you say it is obvious that they would have problems think about your own relationships at home, work, school and church. Do you take them for granted.  Do you expect more than you give or do you take more than you give?

I have known many people who go to work daily and expect 100% of their pay and give their employer about 50% of their time.  Ask yourself does my employer pay me to carry on personal telephone conversations, look up personal items of interest on the Internet, go back and forth to the coffee maker and eat Bon-Bon’s throughout the day, pay my personal bills at work, listen to my co-workers problems or tell my co-worker my problems on my employers time.  I doubt they do, but a lot of people do it. We are not willing to give what we are even paid to give. 

My dad told me if you take pay for time you were not productive from your employer you rob them of what they are rightfully due.  If you think they do not pay you enough do not try to justify being a thief get another job. 

I am disgusted with men and women, especially men, who have affairs on the side.  I am even more disgusted when society approves of a man having more than one family, while living with his wife and legal family.  Men and women who have these affairs obviously expect more than they give and society by their silence gives a sign of approval. 

It is appalling to me that some people are given the best pews in the church when everyone knows they have a wife and two or three mistresses with children.  It does not make it right just because the man supports the wife and mistresses and all his children.  It is immoral and it certainly is not what God meant for married couples to do when they took their wedding vows and it certainly is not appropriate for a Catholic to do or for a Catholic society to accept as the norm. 

Now to address what my friend said about her never cheating on her husband as if that made her a GOOD wife and mother.  I am sure that is a contributing factor to being a good spouse, but I believe that is what God expects of any spouse and what society should expect of married couples.  When I questioned her about his fidelity she said she honestly believed he never considered being unfaithful to their wedding vows.  So by her standards he was a good husband.

What does the fact that she maintained the same employment for forty plus years and made more money than him have to do with being a good wife and mother?  The fact that she made more than him and she made sure everyone knew it probably contributed to the marriage ending. 

The man before he retired was a chemical engineer making a six figure income.  Did she work so they could have more or so she could have more?  Did she ever consider that her husband and daughters may have needed her time more than her money?  Which did she love more her job, money, title or family?  People can easily be blinded by greed and ambition and not even notice that their spouse has become mother and father to their children.  

She thought having to be out at night four or five times a week dining at expensive restaurants with clients was a big sacrifice for her.  I will admit that the money they made together did make it possible for them to have a housekeeper/cook and that is something few have in the United States.  He had meals prepared every day, but ate alone four or five times a week after the daughters left home.  It seems to me that he made the sacrifices not her.

How do people know you love them if you do not express it with words and deeds?  My dad was a good provider, but a failure in expressing his love to my mother and his children.  It was only two years before he died that he began to realize the importance of expressing his love.  I am thankful for the two years, but honestly to this day I still feel it was given too late in his life. I feel cheated!

I do not believe anyone should remain in a relationship where they have to assume they are loved.  I can recall my mother saying many time, “Your daddy loves you he just does not know how to show it.”  She did not understand that was his problem not ours.  Her remaining silent in order to keep a false sense of peace in the family did not contribute to solving the problem it only made the problem worse and last longer.

Everyone has a responsibility to feed what is feeding them.  I am not talking only about physically feeding; I am also talking about emotionally feeding. 

I have been given many rewards during my life for achievements, etc. but the biggest reward I have ever been given was to be able to take care of my mother the last 18 years of her life. I was able to show her that I appreciated her feeding me, washing me, dressing me, teaching me, protecting me and cleaning up my pee and the other when I could not do those things for myself.  I was not always able to do those things for her personally, but I could see that they were done when I could not.  I can tell you with all sincerity nothing I have done in my life has made me happier than knowing I cared for my mother until the end.  I believe God has blessed me for that more than anything else I have ever accomplished.

A black man at a carwash once told me, “Father you will always be blessed for the way you take care of Ms Reiddie.”  He was a very wise man.

Over the years I have watched people attend church Sunday after Sunday and be fed and never consider feeding the church that fed them spiritually and emotionally.  They never felt they had any responsibility to feed the church.  It is not just a responsibility it is an obligation that God gave us. 

If the man or woman of God is willing to work hard preparing a sermon to feed you every Sunday you owe it to God to feed the him or her and the church.

Do you go to the movie, walk in and out and not pay.  No you do not.  You expect to pay so the theater can continue to operate.  Then please tell me why you have different expectations for the church.  I guess it is because you know you would be arrested for not paying for services rendered anywhere except at the church.  Everything in life revolves around being responsible and at least giving as much as you receive.

Giving and receiving is a cycle that God established when He created the earth.  A farmer does not expect food from the ground, unless he or she plants seeds.  You do not expect a plant in your home to grow unless you feed it water and sunlight.  You do not expect a baby to be born healthy unless you feed it properly in the womb.  You do not expect your vehicle to run unless you feed it fuel.  Then why do you expect love to grow when you do not give love, respect to grow when you do not give respect, loyalty to grow when you do not give loyalty, protection to grow when you do not give protection, friendship to grow when you do not give friendship, etc.

You should have high expectation from all your relationships because you should be willing to give more than is expected to maintain and grow those relationships.

In closing, I want to say something that has bothered me for some time.  I wish people would stop complaining about the relationship they have with their children and the younger generation.  We are as guilty as they are if they are not responsible.  Have you ever stopped to think if we have given them the time we should have.  Have we been excellent role models of how to foster good relationships?

If we give more than we expect we usually get more than we expect and if we do not maybe we should consider getting out of the relationship as my friend did.

How do you deal with ending friendships?

Have you ever had a friend shut you out and you did not know why?  I have and regardless of how hard you try to forget about it and move on sometimes it is difficult to do.  You may even tell yourself over and over I did not do anything to them and I do not deserve this treatment so why should I care, but you do.

Not all people yell and scream when they're upset.  Some will talk to you calmly about something you did, but if you fail to hear exactly what they're saying or you keep doing the same thing over and over they may move on with a complete shut out rather than announcing you're officially no longer friends. 

I think the worse situation is when the friend does not yell, scream, talk or whisper they just cut off all communication and go on with their life as if you never existed.  Do you call them and ask why or just let it go?  Do you just love them from a distance and hope one day you will find out why?  Do you ask another friend who knows you both if they know the reason?  I do not believe there is really a right or wrong way.  You just deal with each circumstance as it happens. 

The reason many people get so confused and hurt when a friend shuts them out is that they either genuinely don't know what they did, or they lack the ability to fully self-reflect.  If you really believe that there were no issues in your relationship or that you did nothing wrong, then perhaps the issue is with your friend, and it's just something they are going through.

 It's important to figure out if your friend has moved on from everyone, or just you.  If it's just you, then you probably did something that they perceived to be wrong.  Own up to what you did by acknowledging what happened and go from there.  If you feel it was something bad, apologize for it.  Be honest with yourself.  If the same thing happened to you, would you want a friend to apologize?  If so, then make it happen.

Avoid calling your friend out on Facebook in front of your other friends. The same goes for telling "your side" of things to mutual friends.  People do this to try and get others on their side, or to talk about how ridiculous their friend is being in shutting them out.  But you never know what that friend has said or failed to say to anyone else.  If you go and blab about all your problems, it will only make you look bad, especially if your friend has chosen to take the high road.

Taking the high road means they do not talk to anyone about your differences.  They do not get angry and they do not try to slander or hurt you in any way.  This is honourable, but it often leaves the hurt person hurting for a long period of time with no explanation.  It is possible the hurting person will never understand why.  What happens most often is the hurting person never becomes aware of what they were supposed to have done wrong and the friendship can never be repaired.

If, on the other hand, your friend has shut everyone out, then you know it's just something they are going through, and probably has nothing to do with you. 

If you can't get a response out of your friend, but would consider reconciling with them at some point in the future, send them a note and let them know you care about them and will leave the door open for them.  You can say something like: "I'm not sure what's going on, but it appears that you're not speaking with me.  If at some point you'd like to talk I'm open to that.  I'll be here." 

It is important that you remember in their mind there was a reason they shut you out, and until you know what that is, you can't jump to conclusions and get angry.  Forgive them for ending the friendship this way and move on.  Some people have to be loved from a distance.

There are times when a friend may be going through something and for whatever reason embarrassment, shame, and shyness they do not want to share it with you.  As a friend, you naturally want to help, but if they do not want assistance, there is not much you can do besides let them know you are there for them. 

It would be great if all our friends could calmly tell us when we have done something to upset them.  In reality, everyone is different and they process anger and hurt in their own ways.   Some people can recognize and address a situation right away.   With these people, it is easy to work through a problem. 

We need to know the difference between friends and acquaintances.  Does friend mean you have each other in your Facebook list?  Not really!  A relationship needs to contain some key elements in order to be labelled as friendship. 

This can get tricky, because most people have a different idea of what friendship really means.  Some people instantly trust new people and accept them into their heart without question.  For these types of people they assume someone is their friend until they find out otherwise. 

Other people might act "friendly" with someone, but not consider them a friend for quite a while.  Perhaps these types of people need to get to know someone better before they even consider labelling them as a friend.  Or perhaps they already have a lot of friends and therefore wouldn't consider someone they occasionally see at social events a friend.

Friends are kind and act as a positive influence in your life.  Real friends make you feel good, as opposed to bringing you down.  People who are genuinely your friend put your relationship above being right or trying to feel superior.  If someone constantly puts you down, he or she is not a real friend. 

People do have bad days and act imperfect so there are times when a true friend will be negative or hurt your feelings.  The way to determine if they are really a friend as opposed to something more negative like an acquaintance is to look at the whole of your relationship.  Don't look at moments alone, but consider: Do we share the good times and bad times – Do we know each other’s family problems – do I trust them with my secrets – could I call upon them in time of need – is sharing a cup of coffee enough to satisfy being together – do we attend important events in each other’s lives – do I feel better when I am with them – do I look forward to seeing them.

Friends don't keep score, but there is a balance to the relationship.  Sometimes one friend might be in the "spotlight," while the other is cheering them on. Friends should trade off in giving each other the "floor" in a conversation and in life, and should understand when the moment is their friends and not theirs.  If you feel as if someone truly believes in you and wants you to succeed, chances are they really do care and are a friend.

You naturally handle problems between friends differently than between acquaintances.  To be honest one is far more valuable than the other.

No one is perfect not even a friend.  Friends may break their trust with us, but if they do they will apologize and mean it and will want to make it up. 

When it is time to move on forgive even if you know you do not want to continue the friendship.  Holding on to the betrayal of a friend in your heart takes up the space where you can begin a new and healthy friendship.  Make up your mind to let it go so that thinking about what your friend did will not become your focus.  Remember, just because you’ve forgiven doesn’t mean your friend has earned your trust back.  Don’t set yourself up to be hurt again.  You should be careful not to say you’re “over it” when you’re really not. 

Ending a friendship is always hard, even when someone treated you poorly. You may feel guilty about ending the relationship, which is why you need to make sure it’s something you really want to do before you officially break up with your friend.  You may regret the time you spent cultivating the friendship.  But once you do end a relationship don’t beat yourself up about it. 

It’s hard to understand why certain people that we care about treat us poorly, but don’t overanalyse it.  Poor behaviour is a reflection on your friend, not you.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on to meet new people.

A word of warning it is easier said than done, but sometimes it must be done.

Friends tell you the truth and you would be surprised at how many people do not want to hear the truth.  Your friends will tell you the truth even when it hurts.  As Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

It is better to hear it from a friend if you are doing something wrong because they truly care about you.  A friend doesn’t want to see you hurt.  A friend doesn’t want you to hurt others.  The point is that the truth sometimes hurts, but flattery or patronizing someone in the end, usually does more harm than good. 

I confess I often get in trouble when I am asked for my opinion and I tell the person my true feelings, instead of telling them what they want to hear.  BUT, I prefer others to tell me the truth and not be a hypocrite.  

I do not think it would be proper to end this without reminding you and telling you one more time to be careful not end a friendship that should not be ended. 

Before we consider how to end a friendship, it is important to note two situations in which we shouldn't end a friendship.  Some people will end relationships whenever a friend says anything critical of them.  Yet this shouldn't automatically happen.  Remember what Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." A really good friend is one who will tell us when we misbehave—and everyone does on occasion.  As 1 John 1:8 explains, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves." So don't end a friendship just because a friend tells you that you've done something wrong.  You may lose one of the best friends you could have.  Never end a friendship when you tell a friend the problem you are having with them and they make and honest effort to change or repair the relationship.  This is not the proper time to end a friendship.  Give them some additional time.

If in the end the friendship must come to an end we should strive to end it without being unfriendly.  Many times our paths will cross again with the individuals involved and it is better to be on pleasant terms instead of being enemies.  Romans: 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men."  This is true, even when we end friendships.   I pray you find courage to end friendships when you must and try to do it as peacefully as possible?