How do you deal with ending friendships?

Have you ever had a friend shut you out and you did not know why?  I have and regardless of how hard you try to forget about it and move on sometimes it is difficult to do.  You may even tell yourself over and over I did not do anything to them and I do not deserve this treatment so why should I care, but you do.

Not all people yell and scream when they're upset.  Some will talk to you calmly about something you did, but if you fail to hear exactly what they're saying or you keep doing the same thing over and over they may move on with a complete shut out rather than announcing you're officially no longer friends. 

I think the worse situation is when the friend does not yell, scream, talk or whisper they just cut off all communication and go on with their life as if you never existed.  Do you call them and ask why or just let it go?  Do you just love them from a distance and hope one day you will find out why?  Do you ask another friend who knows you both if they know the reason?  I do not believe there is really a right or wrong way.  You just deal with each circumstance as it happens. 

The reason many people get so confused and hurt when a friend shuts them out is that they either genuinely don't know what they did, or they lack the ability to fully self-reflect.  If you really believe that there were no issues in your relationship or that you did nothing wrong, then perhaps the issue is with your friend, and it's just something they are going through.

 It's important to figure out if your friend has moved on from everyone, or just you.  If it's just you, then you probably did something that they perceived to be wrong.  Own up to what you did by acknowledging what happened and go from there.  If you feel it was something bad, apologize for it.  Be honest with yourself.  If the same thing happened to you, would you want a friend to apologize?  If so, then make it happen.

Avoid calling your friend out on Facebook in front of your other friends. The same goes for telling "your side" of things to mutual friends.  People do this to try and get others on their side, or to talk about how ridiculous their friend is being in shutting them out.  But you never know what that friend has said or failed to say to anyone else.  If you go and blab about all your problems, it will only make you look bad, especially if your friend has chosen to take the high road.

Taking the high road means they do not talk to anyone about your differences.  They do not get angry and they do not try to slander or hurt you in any way.  This is honourable, but it often leaves the hurt person hurting for a long period of time with no explanation.  It is possible the hurting person will never understand why.  What happens most often is the hurting person never becomes aware of what they were supposed to have done wrong and the friendship can never be repaired.

If, on the other hand, your friend has shut everyone out, then you know it's just something they are going through, and probably has nothing to do with you. 

If you can't get a response out of your friend, but would consider reconciling with them at some point in the future, send them a note and let them know you care about them and will leave the door open for them.  You can say something like: "I'm not sure what's going on, but it appears that you're not speaking with me.  If at some point you'd like to talk I'm open to that.  I'll be here." 

It is important that you remember in their mind there was a reason they shut you out, and until you know what that is, you can't jump to conclusions and get angry.  Forgive them for ending the friendship this way and move on.  Some people have to be loved from a distance.

There are times when a friend may be going through something and for whatever reason embarrassment, shame, and shyness they do not want to share it with you.  As a friend, you naturally want to help, but if they do not want assistance, there is not much you can do besides let them know you are there for them. 

It would be great if all our friends could calmly tell us when we have done something to upset them.  In reality, everyone is different and they process anger and hurt in their own ways.   Some people can recognize and address a situation right away.   With these people, it is easy to work through a problem. 

We need to know the difference between friends and acquaintances.  Does friend mean you have each other in your Facebook list?  Not really!  A relationship needs to contain some key elements in order to be labelled as friendship. 

This can get tricky, because most people have a different idea of what friendship really means.  Some people instantly trust new people and accept them into their heart without question.  For these types of people they assume someone is their friend until they find out otherwise. 

Other people might act "friendly" with someone, but not consider them a friend for quite a while.  Perhaps these types of people need to get to know someone better before they even consider labelling them as a friend.  Or perhaps they already have a lot of friends and therefore wouldn't consider someone they occasionally see at social events a friend.

Friends are kind and act as a positive influence in your life.  Real friends make you feel good, as opposed to bringing you down.  People who are genuinely your friend put your relationship above being right or trying to feel superior.  If someone constantly puts you down, he or she is not a real friend. 

People do have bad days and act imperfect so there are times when a true friend will be negative or hurt your feelings.  The way to determine if they are really a friend as opposed to something more negative like an acquaintance is to look at the whole of your relationship.  Don't look at moments alone, but consider: Do we share the good times and bad times – Do we know each other’s family problems – do I trust them with my secrets – could I call upon them in time of need – is sharing a cup of coffee enough to satisfy being together – do we attend important events in each other’s lives – do I feel better when I am with them – do I look forward to seeing them.

Friends don't keep score, but there is a balance to the relationship.  Sometimes one friend might be in the "spotlight," while the other is cheering them on. Friends should trade off in giving each other the "floor" in a conversation and in life, and should understand when the moment is their friends and not theirs.  If you feel as if someone truly believes in you and wants you to succeed, chances are they really do care and are a friend.

You naturally handle problems between friends differently than between acquaintances.  To be honest one is far more valuable than the other.

No one is perfect not even a friend.  Friends may break their trust with us, but if they do they will apologize and mean it and will want to make it up. 

When it is time to move on forgive even if you know you do not want to continue the friendship.  Holding on to the betrayal of a friend in your heart takes up the space where you can begin a new and healthy friendship.  Make up your mind to let it go so that thinking about what your friend did will not become your focus.  Remember, just because you’ve forgiven doesn’t mean your friend has earned your trust back.  Don’t set yourself up to be hurt again.  You should be careful not to say you’re “over it” when you’re really not. 

Ending a friendship is always hard, even when someone treated you poorly. You may feel guilty about ending the relationship, which is why you need to make sure it’s something you really want to do before you officially break up with your friend.  You may regret the time you spent cultivating the friendship.  But once you do end a relationship don’t beat yourself up about it. 

It’s hard to understand why certain people that we care about treat us poorly, but don’t overanalyse it.  Poor behaviour is a reflection on your friend, not you.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on to meet new people.

A word of warning it is easier said than done, but sometimes it must be done.

Friends tell you the truth and you would be surprised at how many people do not want to hear the truth.  Your friends will tell you the truth even when it hurts.  As Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

It is better to hear it from a friend if you are doing something wrong because they truly care about you.  A friend doesn’t want to see you hurt.  A friend doesn’t want you to hurt others.  The point is that the truth sometimes hurts, but flattery or patronizing someone in the end, usually does more harm than good. 

I confess I often get in trouble when I am asked for my opinion and I tell the person my true feelings, instead of telling them what they want to hear.  BUT, I prefer others to tell me the truth and not be a hypocrite.  

I do not think it would be proper to end this without reminding you and telling you one more time to be careful not end a friendship that should not be ended. 

Before we consider how to end a friendship, it is important to note two situations in which we shouldn't end a friendship.  Some people will end relationships whenever a friend says anything critical of them.  Yet this shouldn't automatically happen.  Remember what Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." A really good friend is one who will tell us when we misbehave—and everyone does on occasion.  As 1 John 1:8 explains, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves." So don't end a friendship just because a friend tells you that you've done something wrong.  You may lose one of the best friends you could have.  Never end a friendship when you tell a friend the problem you are having with them and they make and honest effort to change or repair the relationship.  This is not the proper time to end a friendship.  Give them some additional time.

If in the end the friendship must come to an end we should strive to end it without being unfriendly.  Many times our paths will cross again with the individuals involved and it is better to be on pleasant terms instead of being enemies.  Romans: 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men."  This is true, even when we end friendships.   I pray you find courage to end friendships when you must and try to do it as peacefully as possible?

Be Sure You Know What You Are Leaving Behind!

I made a mistake leaving what was familiar because I became bored and unsatisfied with what I had.  I allowed the desire for gratification to replace love.  I thought new people, new culture, new traditions and a new adventure would bring back the excitement I experienced when I was younger.  I have since learned, what I should have already known, nothing can replace the familiar and bring you the comfort that old friendships bring to one’s life. 

I have now lived in the Philippines for over five years and I still feel as if I am living out of a piece of luggage, a permanent tourist. Being a tourist is great for a break, but it is a sad way to live.  I own a house and have a few new friends, but home will always be Houston, Texas.  I have had some expat’s tell me that they feel the Philippines is now their home.  They accuse me of not doing enough to make it my home.  As time passes I usually come to realize these people, usually men, did not experience true happiness, respect and love where they came from.  They gave up nothing to move to the Philippines.  They did not leave true friends, people they were really bonded to.  They came to the Philippines to escape and or make one more attempt to be important or feel fulfilled.

Some sarcastically say if you are not happy here why stay, go home!  Have you ever heard the saying, “You can never go home again.”  Friends move on with their lives and you have not been a part of the changes that have taken place.  I tore up once and left and made a mistake, why do it again?  I would never do that unless I knew for sure things would be as they were and there is no way to guarantee that and quite frankly I think it is impossible. You see I have no reason to and never wanted to forget my friends or have them forget me and when I left I acted without realizing that would happen.  I allowed gratification to take control of my decision making.

I have good memories that mean nothing to people in the Philippines that were not a part of them.  I came to the Philippines thinking I could do charity work among the poor.  It is difficult to work among people you cannot communicate with.  It is not true that everyone in the Philippines speaks fluent English.  The vast majority of the poor people speak NO English.  Not many of the middle income people speak conversational English.  There are over 700 dialects in the Philippines.  I do not care how intelligent you are it would take you years to learn to speak one of the dialects correctly and if you come to the Philippines when you retire it is simple mathematics, you generally do not have years to learn a new language. 

If you are like me and love people and are truly interested in people it is difficult not to be able to participate in their daily lives because of a language barrier.  This does not seem to be a problem for some expat’s because they obviously do not care about anyone, but themselves. They sit in the coffee shops and bars with their five or six expat friends and do not attempt to truly integrate with Filipino society.  If that works for them I am happy for them, but it does not work for me.  There is no better treasure in this world than loyal friends and friendship cannot be based solely on people speaking the same language as you.  I have had several expat's say to me, “I do not have anything in common with this person or that person, but I need to be around people that speak English.”

A valued friend from back home stays in touch with me weekly.  He recently had the opportunity to meet up with two of his high school friends.  They no longer live in the same cities, but they have managed to meet recently over several weekends.  They had some apprehension of getting together in the beginning, but now they are happy they did.  They can share in memories they all participated in building. Never underestimate healthy friendships because I can assure you acquaintances can never take the place of true friends. 

It takes courage to ‘stay with it’ – not to move on when things are not going your way.  I now must ‘stay with it’ in the Philippines.  I now understand you cannot live on your likes and dislikes alone.  If you are living by your emotions alone, you are being held hostage to your own needs; “If, however, a person chooses not to fill a hole he or she perceives they have in their life with new relationships or new projects, but see the old ones through, life can transfer to a new and higher level – the ‘spirit’ realm” (Iain Matthew).