Don't cut off your nose to spite your face

Perhaps some third world leaders should look at the latest poll conducted among the citizens of Cuba before making bold statements about the United States. The latest poll reveals 79% of Cubans are dissatisfied with the country’s economic system; 70% want to start their own business and the Cuban government will not allow them to do so. Nearly two-thirds of Cubans (64%) believe normalizing relations with the U.S. could change the economic system, though only 37% thought the Cuban political system would allow the changes to take place because it would mean them surrendering control to the people.

Growth has slowed sharply in recent years. According to Cuba’s national statistical agency, the country’s gross domestic product in 2013 was 77.2 billion pesos – which, depending on which exchange rate one uses, could equate to anything from $77.2 billion (at the official rate of 1 convertible peso to $1) to $3.2 billion (at the internal rate of 24 regular pesos to 1 convertible peso). But either way, growth has slowed dramatically from the mid-2000's. The rate exchange of their money is different for Cuban citizens and foreigners visiting or doing business in the country. The growth rate in GDP is below 1.3 percent. They rank 177 out of 222 countries world wide. Compare that to the Philippine GDP - The Philippines economy grew an annual 7.0 percent in the second quarter of 2016. GDP is based on population that must be kept in mind.

The Soviet Union was the main trading partner and strategic ally of Fidel Castro during the time of the Cold War. The collapse of the socialist bloc put the island on the brink of economic collapse in the early 1990's. Since the Russian government could no longer provide the support they had given Cuba they agreed in 2014 to reduce the DEBT Cuba owed Russia by 35%. Cuba could not pay the debt anyway.  Cuba still owes Russia 3.5 billion dollars after the debt was reduced. In return for reducing the debt Cuba agreed to allow Russia to open a small spy facility in Havana.  

There was a time in the early 1960’s when Fidel Castro made statements like, “It will be Russia and Cuba against the United States.”  That did not work out so well! Obama in my opinion is making a bad mistake in giving Cuba any aid and relaxing the trade embargo with Cuba. It is obvious due to the Russian economy slowing Russia cannot provide what the Cuban government needs to survive so why should the United States bail Cuba out of their bad decision to “sever ties” with the United States in the 1960’s. Why should our incompetent President Obama be allowed to give them the $132 billion in aid he wants to give them, since in 2014 Cuba agreed to allow Russia to open a small spy station in Cuba?

Cuba is so desperate today that they are drifting out of Moscow’s orbit and wanting to return to the United States orbit. The people  not the leaders paid a price for fifty years by severing their ties with the United States for Russia and no longer can afford to pay the price. It seems some third world leaders do not do their research before making bold statements against the United States and other Western Nations.

It is best for third world countries not to sever ties with any first world country. They should try to maintain a relationship with them all. What does a third world country really have to offer a first world country? If Roosevelt and Truman believed they could attack and beat Japan without defending the Philippines I believe modern day Presidents realize they do not need the Philippines to defend themselves against China.  A war that most likely will never happen because China or the United States or Russia do not want that.

Cuba could not survive with the help they were getting from Russia and had to turn to Venezuela, the Cuban authorities made it clear that further economic cooperation with Moscow was not a priority.  Today the Venezuela economy is failing and Cuba cannot depend on Venezuela or Russia so they reach out to the United States to save them. Why should we?

Russia did build In northeast Cuba two nickel plants, but Russia has since turned them over to the Canadians. Why would Russia be interested in mining in the Philippines if they were not interested in maintaining mining in Cuba and turned the mines over to the Canadians? The Canadians presently mine in the Philippines. New hotels were built by Mexican and Spanish firms in Cuba they were not build by Russia or China. True, two years ago Cuba did seem to express renewed interest in working with Russian oil companies. But experience tells us to remain cautious. For two decades Russian experts explored for oil off the Cuban coast, finding a few juicy items along the way, but then suddenly turned all their discoveries over to  Mexico. I would tend to think any oil deal China makes with the Philippines will benefit China far more than it will the people of the Philippines. I doubt that the Russians really have any interest in the South China Sea oil production since it would possibly damage their relationships with China.

I have also been amused that all the contracts and deals China has proposed with the Philippines requires they use China Companies to build them which helps the Chinese economy not the Philippine economy. The loans to build go right back to the Chinese government and the Philippines pays interest on the money. I am not aware of any contract or deal that the United States has made with the Philippines that requires them to only use American companies.

I know that the powers to be in the Philippines have far more knowledge of deals, contracts, trade agreements, foreign relationships than stupid little me. I have never work for any government in my life. I am just a simple man with little knowledge, but I cannot make sense of all the talk of ending a long term relationship for a promise that may never materialize and if it does the strings attached may be more than the strings you claim you want to break with the United States.

In my personal life I have never ended a long term friendship in order to gain a new friendship. In my professional life I have never ended a business relationship with an old reliable company to do business with an unknown company with no proven record. 

Revenge is hell and destroys! The Aquino's and some in the Philippines have spent three decades trying to get even with the Marcos family and it has not brought them peace. There are some that were and still are loyal to the Marcos family that have sought revenge on the Aquino family and the United States for not supporting Marcos and it has not brought them peace. Only forgiveness brings peace. 

To show how arrogant some in governments can be when it comes to revenge a United States Congressman is stopping the sale of 27,000 weapons to the Philippine National Police. Who does that hurt? Certainly not the Philippines. Duterte will purchase the weapons in China, Israel or Japan. It only hurts the people of the United States and the United States economy. The people we elect are not as smart as we think they are. 

Why do people expect more than they are willing to give?

I received an email from a woman that I have known for many years.  I would consider her and her husband friends.  I have not seen them since I moved to the Philippines, but we keep in touch.  I love them both equally. .I enjoyed their company and I respect them both. 

I was not shocked by her email as she expected me to be, because I saw each of their faults and I always thought they would eventually lead to serious problems.  I admit I thought the problems would have begun sooner than they did.

It is difficult to minister to close friends.  You try to do so without affecting your personal relationship and that is nearly impossible.  If the relationship is extremely important to you then you try to get your point across without really stating your point and that never works and that is exactly what I did. 

I regret it now, but I doubt if either would have appreciated or heeded my advice if I had been upfront back then.  I have thought many times over the years I had been wrong about their relationship because if they had made it this long they would make it to the end. 

She began her email by stating, “You will never believe what happen to us, but after forty years of marriage (X) has ask me for a divorce and has moved out.  Can you believe that?  I am willing to give him the divorce without putting up a fight, but I need to know why and he refuses to tell me.  At first I thought it was another woman or even a man, but I know now that is not the case.  He is in the process of purchasing a small house next door to our oldest daughter and her husband.  I know you must be as shocked as I am, but if you can help me figure this out I would appreciate it.  Love X” 

I replied, “Do you really want to know what I think or do you want me to just try and console you.  The choice is yours.  You know I love you both and it breaks my heart that this has happen, but truthfully I saw it coming many years ago.  Let me know what you want from me.”

She replied she wanted me to tell her what I honestly thought the problem was and not hold back.  She asks did I think he was going through a mid-life crisis.  She has spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure the problem out on her own and by asking others for help and no one has been honest with her.  I assume knowing them like I do they both have prayed about this matter daily. 

How do you tell one of your best friends that you cannot expect more out of a relationship than you put into it, but that is exactly what I had to do?  Of course at first she did not agree with me, but I think over several months she has come to see that much of the problem was her ambition.  To be frank her GREED! 

When I began to deal with her about the problem I ask her to advise me what she felt she had contributed to the relationship and to list at least ten items.  This is her list: 1. I worked at the same place of employment from before we were married until now and as you know I made more money than he did.  2. We were able to take very nice vacations every year from the additional money I brought home.  3.  We were able to send our daughters to the best universities and get them started in life because of my income.  4.  We were able to live in a very nice home in a very nice neighborhood with very nice furnishings due to my income.  5. We each had nice automobiles and were able to provide nice automobiles to the girls when they were living at home.  6. I did not cheat on him and cheating never crossed my mind, although I had many opportunities.  7. I attended football games, basketball games and baseball games with him and you know how I hate sports events.  8.  When he needed clothes I went and picked them out because he did not like to shop and he had bad taste in clothes.  9. I was a good wife and mother.  10. HE KNEW I loved him.

I ask her if she read what she emailed me.  Five of the ten had to do with the money she provided to the relationship.  There was nothing mentioned about meeting emotional needs. Relationships need more than money.

Number six was something any wife or husband is expected to do.  Number seven she stated she does not like sports and everyone knew that because she told everyone and never let him forget the sacrifices she made to attend the games.  Number eight I do not know if I believed it or not.  I tend to believe she did not let him shop for his own clothes because she is particular about her appearance and wanted him to look his best when with her.  I needed her to define number nine to me as to what she thought made a good mother and wife.  How did he know she loved him?  I never saw the two of them holding hands, I never heard an argument, but I never heard verbal expression of love or saw physical signs of love between the two of them.  I heard her say many times when people took offense to what she said to him,  “He knows I love him and only say things that are good for him,”

Before you say it is obvious that they would have problems think about your own relationships at home, work, school and church. Do you take them for granted.  Do you expect more than you give or do you take more than you give?

I have known many people who go to work daily and expect 100% of their pay and give their employer about 50% of their time.  Ask yourself does my employer pay me to carry on personal telephone conversations, look up personal items of interest on the Internet, go back and forth to the coffee maker and eat Bon-Bon’s throughout the day, pay my personal bills at work, listen to my co-workers problems or tell my co-worker my problems on my employers time.  I doubt they do, but a lot of people do it. We are not willing to give what we are even paid to give. 

My dad told me if you take pay for time you were not productive from your employer you rob them of what they are rightfully due.  If you think they do not pay you enough do not try to justify being a thief get another job. 

I am disgusted with men and women, especially men, who have affairs on the side.  I am even more disgusted when society approves of a man having more than one family, while living with his wife and legal family.  Men and women who have these affairs obviously expect more than they give and society by their silence gives a sign of approval. 

It is appalling to me that some people are given the best pews in the church when everyone knows they have a wife and two or three mistresses with children.  It does not make it right just because the man supports the wife and mistresses and all his children.  It is immoral and it certainly is not what God meant for married couples to do when they took their wedding vows and it certainly is not appropriate for a Catholic to do or for a Catholic society to accept as the norm. 

Now to address what my friend said about her never cheating on her husband as if that made her a GOOD wife and mother.  I am sure that is a contributing factor to being a good spouse, but I believe that is what God expects of any spouse and what society should expect of married couples.  When I questioned her about his fidelity she said she honestly believed he never considered being unfaithful to their wedding vows.  So by her standards he was a good husband.

What does the fact that she maintained the same employment for forty plus years and made more money than him have to do with being a good wife and mother?  The fact that she made more than him and she made sure everyone knew it probably contributed to the marriage ending. 

The man before he retired was a chemical engineer making a six figure income.  Did she work so they could have more or so she could have more?  Did she ever consider that her husband and daughters may have needed her time more than her money?  Which did she love more her job, money, title or family?  People can easily be blinded by greed and ambition and not even notice that their spouse has become mother and father to their children.  

She thought having to be out at night four or five times a week dining at expensive restaurants with clients was a big sacrifice for her.  I will admit that the money they made together did make it possible for them to have a housekeeper/cook and that is something few have in the United States.  He had meals prepared every day, but ate alone four or five times a week after the daughters left home.  It seems to me that he made the sacrifices not her.

How do people know you love them if you do not express it with words and deeds?  My dad was a good provider, but a failure in expressing his love to my mother and his children.  It was only two years before he died that he began to realize the importance of expressing his love.  I am thankful for the two years, but honestly to this day I still feel it was given too late in his life. I feel cheated!

I do not believe anyone should remain in a relationship where they have to assume they are loved.  I can recall my mother saying many time, “Your daddy loves you he just does not know how to show it.”  She did not understand that was his problem not ours.  Her remaining silent in order to keep a false sense of peace in the family did not contribute to solving the problem it only made the problem worse and last longer.

Everyone has a responsibility to feed what is feeding them.  I am not talking only about physically feeding; I am also talking about emotionally feeding. 

I have been given many rewards during my life for achievements, etc. but the biggest reward I have ever been given was to be able to take care of my mother the last 18 years of her life. I was able to show her that I appreciated her feeding me, washing me, dressing me, teaching me, protecting me and cleaning up my pee and the other when I could not do those things for myself.  I was not always able to do those things for her personally, but I could see that they were done when I could not.  I can tell you with all sincerity nothing I have done in my life has made me happier than knowing I cared for my mother until the end.  I believe God has blessed me for that more than anything else I have ever accomplished.

A black man at a carwash once told me, “Father you will always be blessed for the way you take care of Ms Reiddie.”  He was a very wise man.

Over the years I have watched people attend church Sunday after Sunday and be fed and never consider feeding the church that fed them spiritually and emotionally.  They never felt they had any responsibility to feed the church.  It is not just a responsibility it is an obligation that God gave us. 

If the man or woman of God is willing to work hard preparing a sermon to feed you every Sunday you owe it to God to feed the him or her and the church.

Do you go to the movie, walk in and out and not pay.  No you do not.  You expect to pay so the theater can continue to operate.  Then please tell me why you have different expectations for the church.  I guess it is because you know you would be arrested for not paying for services rendered anywhere except at the church.  Everything in life revolves around being responsible and at least giving as much as you receive.

Giving and receiving is a cycle that God established when He created the earth.  A farmer does not expect food from the ground, unless he or she plants seeds.  You do not expect a plant in your home to grow unless you feed it water and sunlight.  You do not expect a baby to be born healthy unless you feed it properly in the womb.  You do not expect your vehicle to run unless you feed it fuel.  Then why do you expect love to grow when you do not give love, respect to grow when you do not give respect, loyalty to grow when you do not give loyalty, protection to grow when you do not give protection, friendship to grow when you do not give friendship, etc.

You should have high expectation from all your relationships because you should be willing to give more than is expected to maintain and grow those relationships.

In closing, I want to say something that has bothered me for some time.  I wish people would stop complaining about the relationship they have with their children and the younger generation.  We are as guilty as they are if they are not responsible.  Have you ever stopped to think if we have given them the time we should have.  Have we been excellent role models of how to foster good relationships?

If we give more than we expect we usually get more than we expect and if we do not maybe we should consider getting out of the relationship as my friend did.

How do you deal with ending friendships?

Have you ever had a friend shut you out and you did not know why?  I have and regardless of how hard you try to forget about it and move on sometimes it is difficult to do.  You may even tell yourself over and over I did not do anything to them and I do not deserve this treatment so why should I care, but you do.

Not all people yell and scream when they're upset.  Some will talk to you calmly about something you did, but if you fail to hear exactly what they're saying or you keep doing the same thing over and over they may move on with a complete shut out rather than announcing you're officially no longer friends. 

I think the worse situation is when the friend does not yell, scream, talk or whisper they just cut off all communication and go on with their life as if you never existed.  Do you call them and ask why or just let it go?  Do you just love them from a distance and hope one day you will find out why?  Do you ask another friend who knows you both if they know the reason?  I do not believe there is really a right or wrong way.  You just deal with each circumstance as it happens. 

The reason many people get so confused and hurt when a friend shuts them out is that they either genuinely don't know what they did, or they lack the ability to fully self-reflect.  If you really believe that there were no issues in your relationship or that you did nothing wrong, then perhaps the issue is with your friend, and it's just something they are going through.

 It's important to figure out if your friend has moved on from everyone, or just you.  If it's just you, then you probably did something that they perceived to be wrong.  Own up to what you did by acknowledging what happened and go from there.  If you feel it was something bad, apologize for it.  Be honest with yourself.  If the same thing happened to you, would you want a friend to apologize?  If so, then make it happen.

Avoid calling your friend out on Facebook in front of your other friends. The same goes for telling "your side" of things to mutual friends.  People do this to try and get others on their side, or to talk about how ridiculous their friend is being in shutting them out.  But you never know what that friend has said or failed to say to anyone else.  If you go and blab about all your problems, it will only make you look bad, especially if your friend has chosen to take the high road.

Taking the high road means they do not talk to anyone about your differences.  They do not get angry and they do not try to slander or hurt you in any way.  This is honourable, but it often leaves the hurt person hurting for a long period of time with no explanation.  It is possible the hurting person will never understand why.  What happens most often is the hurting person never becomes aware of what they were supposed to have done wrong and the friendship can never be repaired.

If, on the other hand, your friend has shut everyone out, then you know it's just something they are going through, and probably has nothing to do with you. 

If you can't get a response out of your friend, but would consider reconciling with them at some point in the future, send them a note and let them know you care about them and will leave the door open for them.  You can say something like: "I'm not sure what's going on, but it appears that you're not speaking with me.  If at some point you'd like to talk I'm open to that.  I'll be here." 

It is important that you remember in their mind there was a reason they shut you out, and until you know what that is, you can't jump to conclusions and get angry.  Forgive them for ending the friendship this way and move on.  Some people have to be loved from a distance.

There are times when a friend may be going through something and for whatever reason embarrassment, shame, and shyness they do not want to share it with you.  As a friend, you naturally want to help, but if they do not want assistance, there is not much you can do besides let them know you are there for them. 

It would be great if all our friends could calmly tell us when we have done something to upset them.  In reality, everyone is different and they process anger and hurt in their own ways.   Some people can recognize and address a situation right away.   With these people, it is easy to work through a problem. 

We need to know the difference between friends and acquaintances.  Does friend mean you have each other in your Facebook list?  Not really!  A relationship needs to contain some key elements in order to be labelled as friendship. 

This can get tricky, because most people have a different idea of what friendship really means.  Some people instantly trust new people and accept them into their heart without question.  For these types of people they assume someone is their friend until they find out otherwise. 

Other people might act "friendly" with someone, but not consider them a friend for quite a while.  Perhaps these types of people need to get to know someone better before they even consider labelling them as a friend.  Or perhaps they already have a lot of friends and therefore wouldn't consider someone they occasionally see at social events a friend.

Friends are kind and act as a positive influence in your life.  Real friends make you feel good, as opposed to bringing you down.  People who are genuinely your friend put your relationship above being right or trying to feel superior.  If someone constantly puts you down, he or she is not a real friend. 

People do have bad days and act imperfect so there are times when a true friend will be negative or hurt your feelings.  The way to determine if they are really a friend as opposed to something more negative like an acquaintance is to look at the whole of your relationship.  Don't look at moments alone, but consider: Do we share the good times and bad times – Do we know each other’s family problems – do I trust them with my secrets – could I call upon them in time of need – is sharing a cup of coffee enough to satisfy being together – do we attend important events in each other’s lives – do I feel better when I am with them – do I look forward to seeing them.

Friends don't keep score, but there is a balance to the relationship.  Sometimes one friend might be in the "spotlight," while the other is cheering them on. Friends should trade off in giving each other the "floor" in a conversation and in life, and should understand when the moment is their friends and not theirs.  If you feel as if someone truly believes in you and wants you to succeed, chances are they really do care and are a friend.

You naturally handle problems between friends differently than between acquaintances.  To be honest one is far more valuable than the other.

No one is perfect not even a friend.  Friends may break their trust with us, but if they do they will apologize and mean it and will want to make it up. 

When it is time to move on forgive even if you know you do not want to continue the friendship.  Holding on to the betrayal of a friend in your heart takes up the space where you can begin a new and healthy friendship.  Make up your mind to let it go so that thinking about what your friend did will not become your focus.  Remember, just because you’ve forgiven doesn’t mean your friend has earned your trust back.  Don’t set yourself up to be hurt again.  You should be careful not to say you’re “over it” when you’re really not. 

Ending a friendship is always hard, even when someone treated you poorly. You may feel guilty about ending the relationship, which is why you need to make sure it’s something you really want to do before you officially break up with your friend.  You may regret the time you spent cultivating the friendship.  But once you do end a relationship don’t beat yourself up about it. 

It’s hard to understand why certain people that we care about treat us poorly, but don’t overanalyse it.  Poor behaviour is a reflection on your friend, not you.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on to meet new people.

A word of warning it is easier said than done, but sometimes it must be done.

Friends tell you the truth and you would be surprised at how many people do not want to hear the truth.  Your friends will tell you the truth even when it hurts.  As Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

It is better to hear it from a friend if you are doing something wrong because they truly care about you.  A friend doesn’t want to see you hurt.  A friend doesn’t want you to hurt others.  The point is that the truth sometimes hurts, but flattery or patronizing someone in the end, usually does more harm than good. 

I confess I often get in trouble when I am asked for my opinion and I tell the person my true feelings, instead of telling them what they want to hear.  BUT, I prefer others to tell me the truth and not be a hypocrite.  

I do not think it would be proper to end this without reminding you and telling you one more time to be careful not end a friendship that should not be ended. 

Before we consider how to end a friendship, it is important to note two situations in which we shouldn't end a friendship.  Some people will end relationships whenever a friend says anything critical of them.  Yet this shouldn't automatically happen.  Remember what Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." A really good friend is one who will tell us when we misbehave—and everyone does on occasion.  As 1 John 1:8 explains, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves." So don't end a friendship just because a friend tells you that you've done something wrong.  You may lose one of the best friends you could have.  Never end a friendship when you tell a friend the problem you are having with them and they make and honest effort to change or repair the relationship.  This is not the proper time to end a friendship.  Give them some additional time.

If in the end the friendship must come to an end we should strive to end it without being unfriendly.  Many times our paths will cross again with the individuals involved and it is better to be on pleasant terms instead of being enemies.  Romans: 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men."  This is true, even when we end friendships.   I pray you find courage to end friendships when you must and try to do it as peacefully as possible?