The Elderly need to be touched to!

Touch is the most developed sense when an infant is born and continues to play a fundamental role in communication development throughout life until the end.  I have found as I get older (approaching 80) I need human touch more than ever.  Yet, mankind seems to have some aversion to touching the elderly or the sick.

In 2004 I was the pastor at a church in Galveston, Texas.  I got a call from a hospice in Houston, Texas to see if I could administer last rites to a dying patient with H.I.V.  The call came around midnight on Saturday and I explained I was about 80 miles from Houston and it would take several hours for me to get their.  I told the hospice attendant that Holy Rosary was only two blocks from them and The University of Saint Thomas was only three blocks from them and perhaps it would be better to ask a priest from one of those organizations to come.  She replied Father we did and they refused claiming they had a busy schedule the following day, the notice was just too short and the man had no affiliation to their particular organization.  I ask why did she call me or how did she even know about me and she replied a client knew about you. 

Needless to say I went.  I arrived and the man was nothing but skin and bone.  We talked about his family and him for a while and then I lifted him in my arms to pray with him.  He began to cry uncontrollably.  When he was able to speak he said you are the first person that has held me in nearly a year.   The man died before sunrise.

That emotional experience has always stayed with me!  I was always a touchy person , but I became more aware of the importance of touch following that visit.  I firmly believe it is as important as any medical procedure offered to the elderly and dying and possibly more important.

In the past few months I had begun to think that something was missing and I could not put my finger on it.  I finally realized I long to be held/touched.  As a retired priest (celibacy) I was never touched or held.  How would I solve the problem if that was the problem.  I will be honest I began to look on the Internet for sensual massages with a male.  There are lot of listings in the Philippines. I knew I did not want a sexual encounter, nor did not I want any type of relationship.  I looked and looked and finally gave up on the idea.

Frustration, depression, anxiety and anger grew – stupid CELIBACY!

One day my caregiver (male) ask if he could help.  He said, “Father, I do not know what you want or need or if I can do it, but please tell me and let me try.”  He has been my caregiver for ten years.  I thought about it for weeks, but gave him no answer.  One night he came to my room and I said I feel like I want to scream, cuss and destroy something.  He again offered to try and help me and we talked about it even more and I explained how I felt I needed to be held and touched.  He said he would try.  That night he began to sleep with me and we laid close to each other, body to body.

The benefits were immediately.  The next morning I found it had accomplished the following:

It served as a  form of nonverbal communication;

Decreased sensory deprivation;

Increased reality orientation;

Stimulated my mind;

Decreased my pain;

Decreased my sense of isolation and vulnerability;

It created a sense of companionship;

It conveyed trust, hope, and reassurance;

He claimed he felt a personal feeling of reward when intentionally physically contacting another human being.

Over the next month I found:

 it help to promote sleep;

Enhanced feelings of well being;

Decreased blood pressure;

And lab results were better.

Have you ever bothered to noticed how rarely many elderly are touched.  So often, elderly people live alone and have little contact with the outside world.  As their lives slow down or as physical illness takes its toll, many elderly become more and more home bound.  Many move to Assisted Living Facilities and, although surrounded by others, rarely receive the simple gift of a hug.

We must also keep in mind touching someone – even the gesture of a light hug – might be an unpleasant experience for some.  In situations where there has been physical or sexual abuse, a person may be afraid, reticent or uninterested in acceptable ways of being touched.  Many people have grown up without having touch as part of their lives and are not comfortable receiving touch.  In one of my caregiving experiences, after I grew close to a particular client, I once greeted her by asking if it was okay to give her a hug.  I was pleased with her honesty as she told me, “No, no, I don’t hug.  My family doesn’t hug.”  I personally had a an older sister that hated to be touched or kissed and she would be quite rude if you attempted to do so, being from the south we were raised among kissing and touching relatives.

Yet, when touch is welcome, it can communicate what words cannot.  Touch can say, “I am here for you.” Touch can communicate connection and solace and kindness.  Touch can say, “I love you.  You are important to me.”  Touch can say, “You are not alone.”

The elderly do not require strong touch.  Gentle touch usually suffices.  If you offer some form of massage, be aware that some elderly people have thin skin.  Certain medications may even make skin susceptible to breaking.  Proceed with care.  Offer your hand or arm as support to one who is getting up from a chair or in and out of a car.  Even this simple form of contact can be valuable to the psyche.  If you are in a position where you are bathing or showering an elderly loved one, this can be the perfect time for a soapy back rub!  Hand massages or foot massages are generally appreciated.  Trust your instincts and your love.  Listen to your heart,  follow your instincts, and you will always do what is right.

Touch is a communication that transcends age and time. No matter how old we are, we all love to have our hand held, our backs rubbed, or the feel of a warm embrace.  Seniors who live alone often do not experience the simple act of touch on a daily basis. The reasons vary:  spouses and close friends have passed away, families live in other states, or physical limitations may affect activity and contact with others. Stupid vows of celibacy.  Remember this when spending time with the senior in your life. A simple, encouraging arm around a shoulder or a momentary grasp of a hand conveys a message of affection. Feelings of affection can make a big difference in the lives of seniors.

The sense of touch is so powerful that some experts recommend elderly clients receive regular, professional massages. Massages in general are not meant to convey affection, but use the power of touch in another way. Gentle kneading of muscles helps release tension, can improve blood flow through the body and ease the pain of arthritis. While no affection is involved during a professional massage, oxytocin released in the body during the process produces the same comforting effects. In place of a full-body massage, foot and hand rubs can be emotionally and physically beneficial.

Knowing someone wants to touch you has far more benefits than knowing they are simply doing it for the money.  So if you call for a massage always inform them of your age and health condition.  Tell them you will not accept or pay anyone that comes and makes you feel that they do not want to touch an elderly person or a large person.  You have rights demand those rights.

I will continue in the future to seek out ways to fulfill my need to be touched in the future and will not be cramped by what others thinks.

Don't Poison a Child's Mind.

I was bless with an experience I will never forget when passing through Immigrations in Singapore.  We were in line and in front of me was a Filipino mother and two children.  One child a boy about 10 and a girl about 3. In the next line was an Indian mother with two young boys maybe 5 and 8. 

These children started reacting with each other in spite of language and cultural difference with pure love - no bigotry, no bias, just pure love and delight. It was a reminder to me bigotry is a learned habit or character trait. It is not a God given characteristic. Matthew 21:16 - "...out of mouths of babes and sucklings God prepared praise ..."  NOT HATE!  Oh, if we adults could only learn from the  young children the world would be a better place indeed!

"Hatreds never cease by hatreds in this world.  By love alone they cease.  This is an ancient Law."  

I have shared many thoughts over the year's concerning our thinking for ourselves and not depending upon others to think for us or teach us absolute truths about God, self, world or the universe.

It is delusion for us to allow others to teach us to cherish pride and selfishness when we all know in the end it leads to suffering, loneliness and death.

God did not put upon the heart of every person the right way to live with self and others simply for us to think about them. God put them there for us to practice and to make them part of our daily lives. 

We should control our own minds and keep them clean of evil thoughts concerning greed, jealousy, prejudices and hate.  Love, respect, humility and faithfulness to God (not denomination, nationalities, preachers, priest, bishops, traditions, anger, religions,etc) is the only way to a happy life.  

The youngest Indian child at the airport had a bottle of water and without words he walked over to the youngest Filipino child and sat it down in front of her and backed away.  I knew instantly he was sharing all he had to offer the other child love (water).  Tears filled my eyes and I knew I had witness pure love. 

Our minds, our learned behaviors, can make us like God or like the devil.  We should control our minds and not allow others to leads us away from the right path.  RESPECT each other. Human's have more in common than we have differences.  God created us to be like milk and water to mingle together not like oil and water that repel each other.  

I honestly believe if you do not feel this way you have never had a personal relationship with God.  You certainly are NOT a follower of Christ.  

Life is becoming more clear to me as I grow old and my body falls apart like an old worn out car that has traveled many, many happy miles.  Do not make the same mistakes I did if you are still young in body.  You cannot cram five lifetimes into one there is only so much time.  

You do not need to see or do everything to have a full life. You only need to recognize the importance of love and service to each person you meet.  

God did not ask us to solve all of the world's problems just do the best we can with those we encounter. 

There are always people around you that need an encouraging word, a person willing to listen and or a helpful hand.  It is not all about having large sums of money to give away.  A little becomes a lot when good people come together for one cause. 

Few if any of us would sleep with a poisonous snake in our bed so why go to bed with a poisonous snake (our mind)?  Ephesians 4:26 "...do not go to bed while you are still angry..." Go to bed filled with hate, anger, bitterness, jealousy, prejudices and discontent and  you will awake the next morning with the same bed partner not beside you, but inside you.  You should control your own mind.  Protect your mind from poisonous thoughts of others. 

We should practice being like the children I witness in the Singapore Immigration line.  

Random Thoughts - Generosity, Judging, Guilt

Are we generous people? I am not talking about random acts of giving (Salvation Army Christmas Kettle) or giving when you are motivated by someone or a particular cause. That is okay, but I am talking about having a generous heart.

Truly generous people do not give out of guilt.

If you do not give because you are afraid you will need it later you are not a generous giver.

Generosity is not a natural trait. It has to be learned. Children have to be taught to share.

Giving is a cultural thing in the United States because of Christianity.

Generous people are not emotional givers. They plan ahead how much they can give and who they will give it to.

Generous people do not give based on present cash flow.

Generous giving is not about how much you give. I use to get upset when people would talk about how generous Bill Gates or Oprah Winfrey are. She has four or five mansions and he has a trust fund setup for his kid worth millions of dollars. What do you have? You may be more generous than either of them.

Generosity is not how many zeroes are at the end of your check it is about sacrifice and giving from the heart. It is not giving for a tax deduction. It is not giving for publicity.

I will give one example to demonstrate generosity. I once new an elderly lady we called Ms Honey. She gave $20 every week to help with our food ministry. She lived on a fixed government check. That $20 would be more generous than what Bill Gates or Ms Winfrey gives.

Truly happy people are generous givers. It is true more joy comes from giving than receiving. Try it and see.
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Have you ever thought "Thank God I am not like them". If you have (and I have) you are a hypocrite. A "holier than them" attitude is not what Christians are suppose to have.

Judging others pushes people away from Christ not to Christ. As Christians we are called to not be self righteous. We condemn ourselves when we judge others.

We should put away our magnifying glass when looking at others.

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We only feel guilty when we care. If we do not care about others we do not feel guilty.

Remember we are not what we did. We have all done things we regretted. But that does not mean we are a bad person.

If we want to stop feeling guilty we have to own what we did (admit it) and stop making excuses for doing it.

Sometimes to fix our wrong all we need do is say "I am sorry".

Our future is not necessarily limited by our past mistakes.

Sometimes we stay angry far too long because of our pride. We need to humble our self and say these three words "I am sorry" and most of the time the anger will leave.

Anger can be a motivator

I heard a minister preaching on the sin of anger. He said anger has no positive benefits and can only bring harm and often destruction to the person that is angry. He added that often the person you are angry with does not care that you are angry and may not even know that you are angry or what you are angry about. It brought to mind my own personal experience with anger. I agree when you keep your anger suppressed inside you the person you are angry with may not know you are angry, they may not care and may not realize they have done something to offend you, but I disagree that anger cannot be a motivator and have positive effects.

My father died when I was in my early teens. His oldest brother was a real jerk. After my father’s funeral he was standing on our back porch talking with some relatives and said, “I do not know what will happen to that boy. He has never had to work a day in his life, but I sure the hell am not going to help them.” He did not know that I was listening to him from inside the door.

My mother was in her bedroom with her sister crying. I went in and ask her to promise me one thing. She said I cannot promise you anything unless you tell me what it is. I told her promise me you will never ask anyone for any help. She asks why I would make such a request and I ask her to just promise me and she did.

My anger towards my uncle motivated me to succeed and with the help of God I accomplish all my goals in life and more. He never knew I was angry, but that did not matter to me. I was determined to have more money and be more successful than he ever was and I succeeded.

No one knew how I felt about him or what he had said until he died. My grandmother informed me he had died and wanted to know when I would be arriving for the funeral. I informed her I would not be coming to the funeral which shocked her. She asks why and I told her. I then called my mother and told her if our family send flowers for her not to put my name on them and she ask why and I told her.

Following my father’s death I went to work after school and on weekends. I finished high school, got a Master’s Degree in Theology with minors in psychology, government, philosophy and history. It took me eight years to complete college because I had to work and attend classes. We never ask or received any help from anyone, except God.

During my lifetime I have pastored a church, owned a grocery store, electronics store, café, janitorial service and still own stock in an automotive repair shop.  I never experienced a failure in my life. The secret to my success was the motivation I receive from the anger I had for my uncle. I give the Holy Spirit credit for giving me the knowledge to turn my anger into positive energy because I was young and would not have known it on my own.

Anger can create the most powerful energy that a human can have and if channeled in the right direction can work miracles.  Anger is not bad or good, what you do with anger will determine if it results will be bad or good.

Anger is like fire it can be helpful or harmful. You can use fire to destroy or you can use it to benefit you. It is what you do with the energy from the fire that determines if it is good or bad. The same is true with anger you can use the energy from anger to harm or to benefit. Energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be transformed for good or evil.  You determine how you will use the energy from anger.

You may keep your anger inside and think you have it under control, but the energy from anger is still there. It is inside eating away at you. High blood pressure, ulcers, colitis, and other digestive diseases are common in people who keep their anger inside of themselves. Or, you can put the energy from anger to work and produce a positive outcome.

I did not tell anyone that I was angry, but I did not keep it stifled inside, I put the energy from my anger to work for my good. You can share your anger with everyone you come in contact with and explain how you were wronged and each time you tell the story you add gasoline to the flames of your anger. You use your anger to produce more anger. It is nothing wrong with seeking help from someone that can help, but it is a waste of time just to rehash the same story over and over. I would have gone to someone that I knew could help, but I did not have a person like that in my life at the time. Nothing positive comes from using the energy from your anger to complain.

 I chose to use the energy of my anger to motivate me into creating a better situation. I discovered later that this is the highest purpose for the energy that comes from anger and is probably why God gave us the emotion of anger. It is the greatest motivator you can have. The energy from anger can give you the opportunity to create something better out of the situation that created the anger.

I was determined to set boundaries and earn the respect that I thought I deserved. I knew I was not worthless as my uncle thought. It is interesting that he lived in Florida and we lived in Texas and I had not even seen the man for a total of ten days in my life. My father avoided him because as I said earlier he was a jerk. I am sure he would roll over in his grave if he knew he was responsible for much of my success and had motivated me to be the most successful person in our family.

Do not be ashamed of your anger. Transform your anger energy into motivation so that you might discover ways to change the situation into one in which will benefit all those around you. The results from the energy from my anger has allowed me to provide good incomes for over one hundred families, support my mother, until her death, pay college tuition for deserving people, pay hospital bills for people that needed some assistant, do all kinds of charity work and brought me tremendous joy in the process. Don’t waste anger put it to good use! 

Reconciliation is more important than gifts at Christmas

This Christmas was difficult for me. I posted a blog a few days ago about “toxic friendships” and said there were two friendships that I must end before 2016. I still intend to end those relationships, but in my heart I feel a tugging by God that it is not the “Christian” thing to do.

The thought of walking away and not attempting to reconcile, one more time, has brought me lots of pain. I cannot help recall that Jesus Christ suffered, and died in order that I could be reconciled with God the Father.

I know if I even attempted to reconcile they would say they did not intend to make me feel as I do and that I misunderstood their actions. That is what they have said many times before. They will give an insincere apology that does not come with change. I have traveled that road many times over the past eight years with them and I just do not want to travel it again. I do not want to pretend any longer that we have a relationship that we do not have.

I debated all Christmas day if I should take the long road back or just take another path in 2016.  Reconciliation with them would not be comfortable and honestly seems pointless.

But, I feel I need to try to reconcile not for my relationship with them, but for my relationship with God.  Reconciliation is so much a part of our Christian faith.

“Peace on earth and mercy mild God and sinners reconcile” – it is easy to sing about, but when it comes to sinner and sinner reconciling that is not always so easy to do. I can think of many reasons not to reconcile with them, but then I recall all the things I have done that God could use as reasons not to reconcile with me. 

I know the Bible and that makes it even more difficult because I know the scriptures that point out my sins. I know when I mistreat someone God loves I mistreat God. When I am unreconciled with one that God loves I am unreconciled with Him. I believe Christ in many ways said we cannot be reconciled with God if we are not reconciled with our brothers and sisters. God loves them as He loves me!

“If you come to my altar to offer your sacrifice and you remember you are not reconciled with a brother or sister leave your gift and go reconcile with them and then return and offer your gift to me.” God makes it difficult to not be at peace with others, but how can you be at peace with others when peace means nothing to them if they are not getting exactly what they want from you. What about tough love?

The true meaning of Christmas is the baby Jesus who is our reconciliation with God. But, I am sure they have never thought about that so why should I – I know that is secular response and not the Christian response.

I am praying for help from the Holy Spirit, because on my own, I cannot sweep past hurt under the rug any longer.

If God and sinner can be reconciled then how can Christians withhold the offer of reconciliation to others even if they do not accept it or simply do not care? I want to challenge you to do the right thing today – to do what God would want you to do – not what I am presently doing. If you are thinking of someone that you are at odds with right now at least consider reconciling with them. I can testify to the fact that if you are a Christian being unreconciled with others does bring pain!  I want to do what Christ did for me, but at the moment I just cannot bring myself to do it – the dysfunction is just too great.

“The pursued of peace without the promise of peace is never a waste of time.”  Knowing the right thing to do (reconciling) and doing it is difficult sometimes even for ministers. Keep that in mind in 2016 if you ever feel your minister has failed you – he or she is human just like you - they may think you failed them. 

Get rid of toxic friends!

I have always thought you should be kind to everyone you meet, but lately I am having a hard time doing it. It is easier for me to be kind to the person driving the car that just cut me off or the annoying woman taking forever in front of me in the checkout lane or the person who cut in front of me while waiting for a taxi, than it is for me to continue to be nice to people who call themselves friend or neighbor and constantly irritate me.

I am finding there are some people I simply cannot deal with any longer like the friend/neighbor that is totally oblivious to my pain. They believe they are the only one that has pain and troubles.  I have to apply the lesson that I have preached for years that some people must be loved from a distance and you must get them out of your life.

These people are insensitive and rude to me and they may not even realize it. Their cry for help manifests itself as selfishness, closed-mindedness, anger, insecurity, rudeness, disinterest and malice. I tried to rationalize it was simply a cultural difference, but I can no longer do that. They bring nothing positive to my life!

I am ready to cut out of my life people that continue to be phonies and I cannot trust. I am getting too old to waste time with those who do not understand honesty and loyalty. Mean people who do not disguise themselves as nice I can tolerate. I have come to realize it is better to have an enemy that slaps you in the face than friends that stabs you in the back.

If you're not careful, toxic people can negatively influence the way you think, feel, and behave. They can introduce unnecessary stress into your life and cause chaos that will drag you down. This family has certainly done that for me.

I have a friend/neighbor that I am constantly grumbling and complaining about to my caregiver every time they contact me or their name is mentioned. My talking about these toxic people  when they're not around gives them more power over my life than I am any longer willing to give them.

Every time someone tells me something these gossipers and master manipulators have said about me strong emotions are stirred up. Stress, frustration and rage follows. These toxic friends can get the best of me and cause me to lose control of my emotions.

I no longer want to spend time blaming them for the toxic relationship. My attempts at placing blame have made me realize these toxic people have too much power over me. I now accept personal responsibility for how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. I felt an obligation to put up with them before because I am a retired priest, but no more.

My feeling of dread waiting for them to text or visit consumed a lot of my time and energy.  Christmas is now approaching and I know they will be contacting me to wish me merry Christmas and to tell me how much they miss and love me. This is their routine thinking it will warrant a gift for their grandchild. They also do this around their birthdays, etc. I actually had bought the grandchild a present in preparation for this Christmas, but then today I was told about a nasty remark the husband had made about me and I gave the gift to another child.

I had decided sometime back if I could not beat them, I would just join them. I thought I would accept their behavior even though it was not in accordance with my values. It seemed to be the last resort, but it wasn’t an effective coping strategy. Ultimately, it only created more chaos in my life.

Their manipulative and aggressive tactics made it difficult to set healthy boundaries. When things were not going the way they wanted they would reminded me, “We love you like family, but you will not accept us as family.” I then always felt it was my fault. Without healthy boundaries, it is impossible to protect myself emotionally from their grasp.

I was always in a bad mood after any contact with them. Even thinking of a possible upcoming contact with them upset me. Their unhealthy behavior caused my relationships with others to suffer.

I have decided no longer wasting my time thinking about them will not be enough - I must cut them out of my life. It does not matter how I end the relationship I will be perceived as "mean".  I have been patient long enough.

The husband is like a venomous snake in the grass. He smiles at me when face to face and lies about me when with others and he lies to me about what others say about me. One such occasion was last Easter. The neighborhood chapel does the stations of the cross. There was no reason for him to tell me, but he said when they met the neighbors did not want to have one of the stations at my house and he pleaded with them to do so. I ask him why they would not want to come to my house and he claimed he did not know, but he begged them to change their minds. His parting words were, “Father, I will always have your back.” It upset me and I contacted one of the men on the chapel committed and he told me that it never happened. The man wanted the station placed at his house and requested it be placed there instead of my house. 

Today, I learn that he said if they came to my house to Christmas Carol, a Philippine tradition, he would not come.  Again if he did not want to come to my house he did not have to come, but he did not have to say anything to anyone, just don't come.  He took the opportunity to say something in order to speak negatively about me or cause people to wonder why he did not want to come to my house. Consequently they made the rounds last night and they did not come to my house. 

This is the same man that I paid $1000 to have dental surgery performed on him and dentures made because he was covering his mouth when he smiled because he was embarrassed about his teeth.

These are the same people that I paid the balance of three hospital bills when they did not have the funds to pay them. These are the same people that their son could not register in the private school he attends for the upcoming year because they had a balance from the previous year and I paid off the balance, plus the tuition for the next year and for his books.

I have learned that it is not a good thing to have as many friends as possible, especially when you are buying friendship! They had the advantage over me from the very start of our relationship. I was a foreigner in their world. I had no family or friends and they immediately moved in and took advantage of the situation. I bought into their saying they wanted to “be family”. I now realize they do not get along that well with their own family, so maybe they do treat me like family. I have commented to my caregiver several times I would not waste my time with people like them in the United States and I did not understand why I was doing it here. Desperation for friends I suppose. But, believe me when I say quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendships.

Relationships should be balanced. It's perfectly normal to ask for help from your friends from time to time. In fact, helping others is one of the best ways to increase your happiness and positivity after 50. But, that doesn't mean that it's your job to solve everyone else's problems.

I do not need friends that make me feel like they hang out with me because of what I can do for them and not what I mean to them? I said earlier I dread receiving calls from them because I know their contacts always come with a request. I do not need or want friends that any contact with them leads to drama.

I am sure cutting my ties with them will for the short term bring some negative emotions like anxiety, guilt, grief, but it will in the long term bring relief.  Do not do as I did and tolerate for eight years a relationship that does not make you feel good or contributes to your wellbeing. We all have the right not to engage in toxic relationships. Today I got a new telephone number and they will not get the number.

Today is the first day of a new beginning when it comes to them and me. I finally realize they only made me a lesser version of myself and I want to be all that I can be. Pray that I will listen to my brain and not my heart and give in and stay the course.

Do you let the little things in life bug you?

A driver laid on his horn when I was trying to get into a taxi the other morning. The taxi driver pulled to the side of the road and the driver could have gone around, but instead he decided to make a fool of himself. I walked up to the taxi, open the door, the man kept blowing and I lost my temper (lost control of my emotions). I started yelling beep, beep, beep, beep, and shook my walking cane at him. He made a fool of himself and I made a bigger fool of myself. I allowed a man I did not know make my blood pressure rise and ruin my morning.  What should I have done – I should have just ignored him!

Life is full of little hurts and disappointments. Every day these little irritations, if we allow them to, will needlessly cause our bodies to go into fight-or-flight mode. Stress hormones surge into our bloodstream, our hearts beat faster; our blood pressure soars and our muscles become tense.

What are we to do? We need to learn to control our emotions and just ignore them!
We may not be able to control the circumstances that come our way, but we can control how we respond to them. Learning to respond to situations rather than reacting is a key factor in managing daily stress.

But how do we do that? How do we avoid holding onto the anger or irritation or resentment that comes from all the little things that are thrown at us each day? And how often do we need to forgive these acts - or ignore them?

Peter asked a similar question in Matthew 18: “Lord, if another sins against me, how often should I forgive…?”

Peter was asking, in essence, “Lord, if Andrew or James wrongs me, how often do I need to forgive them?” They were Peter’s friends. Jesus surprised Peter by answering, “No, not seven times, but seventy times seven times,” a phrase that meant an infinite number of times. This rule does not apply only to family and friends it applies to the strangers that blow their horn at us, run their grocery cart into our car in the parking lot, wave an unfriendly hand at us when we are driving too slow and fail to hold the door open when we are walking in right behind them. Oh yes, cut in a line we have been waiting in for 45 minutes. We need to ignore these little inconveniences. If we do we will live longer and will live happier lives.

Jesus was telling Peter, and through Peter each of us, that we are to ignore the little things. Our lives are meant to be characterized by grace and forgiveness. Jesus was asking us to say, “You’ve wronged me and I could hold onto my anger, demanding some kind of satisfaction, but I choose instead to let it go and not hold it against you any longer.”

Often, others aren’t even aware that we feel they have wronged us. They don’t know to ask forgiveness. So, somewhere along the way we’ve got to find the capacity to let it go – ignore it.

Before you lose it remember your own shortcomings. When you feel that somebody has offended you, stop and consider how many times you’ve done something similar.

Try to assume the best of the person who has slighted you. What’s going on with the other person? Has he or she had a bad day or not feeling well or experiencing any other circumstances that could cause shortness with you?

Pray for the person and about the situation. Jesus told us to pray for those who may not treat us well and to love them. The Apostle Paul, quoting the Proverbs, told us not to return evil for evil, but to return blessing instead.

Once you begin practicing doing these things it can almost become a game. In the process, you can avoid being caught up in anger or irritation and every once in a while, the blessings you return might just have a remarkable impact. Someone might one day just say, "sorry".

Remember the only thing you truly have control over is yourself, right here, right now and sometimes you cannot even control yourself. The other morning was a fine example of my not being in control of me. I can guarantee you, due to my not following my rule about dealing with the little stuff, the incident bothered me more than it bothered the unknown man!

 

How do you deal with ending friendships?

Have you ever had a friend shut you out and you did not know why?  I have and regardless of how hard you try to forget about it and move on sometimes it is difficult to do.  You may even tell yourself over and over I did not do anything to them and I do not deserve this treatment so why should I care, but you do.

Not all people yell and scream when they're upset.  Some will talk to you calmly about something you did, but if you fail to hear exactly what they're saying or you keep doing the same thing over and over they may move on with a complete shut out rather than announcing you're officially no longer friends. 

I think the worse situation is when the friend does not yell, scream, talk or whisper they just cut off all communication and go on with their life as if you never existed.  Do you call them and ask why or just let it go?  Do you just love them from a distance and hope one day you will find out why?  Do you ask another friend who knows you both if they know the reason?  I do not believe there is really a right or wrong way.  You just deal with each circumstance as it happens. 

The reason many people get so confused and hurt when a friend shuts them out is that they either genuinely don't know what they did, or they lack the ability to fully self-reflect.  If you really believe that there were no issues in your relationship or that you did nothing wrong, then perhaps the issue is with your friend, and it's just something they are going through.

 It's important to figure out if your friend has moved on from everyone, or just you.  If it's just you, then you probably did something that they perceived to be wrong.  Own up to what you did by acknowledging what happened and go from there.  If you feel it was something bad, apologize for it.  Be honest with yourself.  If the same thing happened to you, would you want a friend to apologize?  If so, then make it happen.

Avoid calling your friend out on Facebook in front of your other friends. The same goes for telling "your side" of things to mutual friends.  People do this to try and get others on their side, or to talk about how ridiculous their friend is being in shutting them out.  But you never know what that friend has said or failed to say to anyone else.  If you go and blab about all your problems, it will only make you look bad, especially if your friend has chosen to take the high road.

Taking the high road means they do not talk to anyone about your differences.  They do not get angry and they do not try to slander or hurt you in any way.  This is honourable, but it often leaves the hurt person hurting for a long period of time with no explanation.  It is possible the hurting person will never understand why.  What happens most often is the hurting person never becomes aware of what they were supposed to have done wrong and the friendship can never be repaired.

If, on the other hand, your friend has shut everyone out, then you know it's just something they are going through, and probably has nothing to do with you. 

If you can't get a response out of your friend, but would consider reconciling with them at some point in the future, send them a note and let them know you care about them and will leave the door open for them.  You can say something like: "I'm not sure what's going on, but it appears that you're not speaking with me.  If at some point you'd like to talk I'm open to that.  I'll be here." 

It is important that you remember in their mind there was a reason they shut you out, and until you know what that is, you can't jump to conclusions and get angry.  Forgive them for ending the friendship this way and move on.  Some people have to be loved from a distance.

There are times when a friend may be going through something and for whatever reason embarrassment, shame, and shyness they do not want to share it with you.  As a friend, you naturally want to help, but if they do not want assistance, there is not much you can do besides let them know you are there for them. 

It would be great if all our friends could calmly tell us when we have done something to upset them.  In reality, everyone is different and they process anger and hurt in their own ways.   Some people can recognize and address a situation right away.   With these people, it is easy to work through a problem. 

We need to know the difference between friends and acquaintances.  Does friend mean you have each other in your Facebook list?  Not really!  A relationship needs to contain some key elements in order to be labelled as friendship. 

This can get tricky, because most people have a different idea of what friendship really means.  Some people instantly trust new people and accept them into their heart without question.  For these types of people they assume someone is their friend until they find out otherwise. 

Other people might act "friendly" with someone, but not consider them a friend for quite a while.  Perhaps these types of people need to get to know someone better before they even consider labelling them as a friend.  Or perhaps they already have a lot of friends and therefore wouldn't consider someone they occasionally see at social events a friend.

Friends are kind and act as a positive influence in your life.  Real friends make you feel good, as opposed to bringing you down.  People who are genuinely your friend put your relationship above being right or trying to feel superior.  If someone constantly puts you down, he or she is not a real friend. 

People do have bad days and act imperfect so there are times when a true friend will be negative or hurt your feelings.  The way to determine if they are really a friend as opposed to something more negative like an acquaintance is to look at the whole of your relationship.  Don't look at moments alone, but consider: Do we share the good times and bad times – Do we know each other’s family problems – do I trust them with my secrets – could I call upon them in time of need – is sharing a cup of coffee enough to satisfy being together – do we attend important events in each other’s lives – do I feel better when I am with them – do I look forward to seeing them.

Friends don't keep score, but there is a balance to the relationship.  Sometimes one friend might be in the "spotlight," while the other is cheering them on. Friends should trade off in giving each other the "floor" in a conversation and in life, and should understand when the moment is their friends and not theirs.  If you feel as if someone truly believes in you and wants you to succeed, chances are they really do care and are a friend.

You naturally handle problems between friends differently than between acquaintances.  To be honest one is far more valuable than the other.

No one is perfect not even a friend.  Friends may break their trust with us, but if they do they will apologize and mean it and will want to make it up. 

When it is time to move on forgive even if you know you do not want to continue the friendship.  Holding on to the betrayal of a friend in your heart takes up the space where you can begin a new and healthy friendship.  Make up your mind to let it go so that thinking about what your friend did will not become your focus.  Remember, just because you’ve forgiven doesn’t mean your friend has earned your trust back.  Don’t set yourself up to be hurt again.  You should be careful not to say you’re “over it” when you’re really not. 

Ending a friendship is always hard, even when someone treated you poorly. You may feel guilty about ending the relationship, which is why you need to make sure it’s something you really want to do before you officially break up with your friend.  You may regret the time you spent cultivating the friendship.  But once you do end a relationship don’t beat yourself up about it. 

It’s hard to understand why certain people that we care about treat us poorly, but don’t overanalyse it.  Poor behaviour is a reflection on your friend, not you.  Allow yourself the time to grieve the loss of the friendship and then move on to meet new people.

A word of warning it is easier said than done, but sometimes it must be done.

Friends tell you the truth and you would be surprised at how many people do not want to hear the truth.  Your friends will tell you the truth even when it hurts.  As Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.  Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”

It is better to hear it from a friend if you are doing something wrong because they truly care about you.  A friend doesn’t want to see you hurt.  A friend doesn’t want you to hurt others.  The point is that the truth sometimes hurts, but flattery or patronizing someone in the end, usually does more harm than good. 

I confess I often get in trouble when I am asked for my opinion and I tell the person my true feelings, instead of telling them what they want to hear.  BUT, I prefer others to tell me the truth and not be a hypocrite.  

I do not think it would be proper to end this without reminding you and telling you one more time to be careful not end a friendship that should not be ended. 

Before we consider how to end a friendship, it is important to note two situations in which we shouldn't end a friendship.  Some people will end relationships whenever a friend says anything critical of them.  Yet this shouldn't automatically happen.  Remember what Proverbs 27:6 says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." A really good friend is one who will tell us when we misbehave—and everyone does on occasion.  As 1 John 1:8 explains, "If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves." So don't end a friendship just because a friend tells you that you've done something wrong.  You may lose one of the best friends you could have.  Never end a friendship when you tell a friend the problem you are having with them and they make and honest effort to change or repair the relationship.  This is not the proper time to end a friendship.  Give them some additional time.

If in the end the friendship must come to an end we should strive to end it without being unfriendly.  Many times our paths will cross again with the individuals involved and it is better to be on pleasant terms instead of being enemies.  Romans: 12:18 says, "If it is possible, as much as depends on you live peaceably with all men."  This is true, even when we end friendships.   I pray you find courage to end friendships when you must and try to do it as peacefully as possible?