Tradition/Culture can be weird (nasty) sometimes!

I usually avoid writing or talking about things that really piss me off, for when I do, I get carried away.  Yesterday happen to be a day that three things that piss me off occurred.  So here goes.

I am trying to establish a new/used retail clothing store for my caregiver and two sisters in Davao. They have been loyal to me for over ten years. I will not live forever and I want them to have a means to support themselves. We have had a stall at the Davao Street Market in order to get familiar with vendors, suppliers and customers. Now it is time to go bigger.

We do not want a typical Ukay-Ukay store that you find in the Philippines.  We want everyone regardless of economic status to have a pleasant buying experience. It will be a super, super, super small SM Department Store.  First class fixtures, organized, clean, signage, room to move around in, men/women/children new (Factory Overruns) and Pre-Loved Clothes.

We finally found the place in the St. Pedro Cathedral area.  I thought it was the place God picked - WRONG!  The rent was more than we wanted to pay, but I decided to take the risk and pay one year in advance rent. The owner was out of town, but we knew it was our place when she returned - WRONG!  We discovered she did not want Muslims leasing her property, because they were dirty and ALWAYS used it as a business and a place to live in the back. I guaranteed her it would not happen and if it did she could  keep deposit and advance rent.  That did not satisfy her. She just did not want to do business with Muslims.  Remember now I am a retired Catholic Priest.

Yes, we were disappointed.  We had heard from retailers in the area where the property was, that, "The old lady and her daughter that owns that property are bitches and no one that knew them would rent that property."  I thought maybe they are wrong or do not want competition. I was wrong about the mother for sure!

I cannot stand a caste system that is really what slavery in the southern part of the USA was.  I am originally from Alabama.  I had my taste of family that loved segregation days, which in their eyes was a milder form of slavery. Went off to college and met Dr. Martin Luther King and join the protest marchers. My mother made me promise on my life I would never let a family member know what I was doing. I hated discrimination then and I hate discrimination now. Those sixty years between then and now the hate is just as strong.

That was PISS off number one. Now Piss off number two.  I schedule to get to an appointment thirty minutes early. That way I am never late. I simply take a book and read until the time for the appointment. Being punctual is very important to me. My time is valuable to me and I assume others time is valuable to them. Being late is RUDE!  If an emergency arises CALL do not keep the other person wondering and waiting.

I am having some work done on my house. The man is talented and like able, but three times he said he would be at my house and did not come.  Surprisingly I did not say anything until yesterday. I may be old and in a wheelchair, but you are not going to disrespect me.  I think he now understand you do not waste my time.

That was PISS off number two.  Now number three. I ordered 200 factory overrun dresses from Manila. They had called and ask could they ship another brand of the same quality. I agreed. The delivery man came and I was alone. I went to the front balcony and advised the driver I would come down on my elevator, but it would take time. He said okay.  I go down, open the gate, he says "Are YOU Father Tom Martin" and I say, "Yes".  He says, "Do you have a picture I.D."  I NICELY tell him if he thought I was going to struggle to go back inside for a picture I.D. He was crazy. He says, "You do not look like a Father."  I said politely of course, "Young man. I am eighty years old, sick and in bed until you came. I am sorry I did not shave or comb my hair before I came down.  But, I will share a secret with you.  Your parish priest wakes up in the morning goes to the toilet, showers, brushes his teeth and then puts on his clothes and goes to work JUST like you. God does not do those things for us. I no longer work so I do what I want."  Side note the dresses were not the same quality. I guess that was PISS off number four. I hate liars and dishonest people.

Get rid of toxic friends!

I have always thought you should be kind to everyone you meet, but lately I am having a hard time doing it. It is easier for me to be kind to the person driving the car that just cut me off or the annoying woman taking forever in front of me in the checkout lane or the person who cut in front of me while waiting for a taxi, than it is for me to continue to be nice to people who call themselves friend or neighbor and constantly irritate me.

I am finding there are some people I simply cannot deal with any longer like the friend/neighbor that is totally oblivious to my pain. They believe they are the only one that has pain and troubles.  I have to apply the lesson that I have preached for years that some people must be loved from a distance and you must get them out of your life.

These people are insensitive and rude to me and they may not even realize it. Their cry for help manifests itself as selfishness, closed-mindedness, anger, insecurity, rudeness, disinterest and malice. I tried to rationalize it was simply a cultural difference, but I can no longer do that. They bring nothing positive to my life!

I am ready to cut out of my life people that continue to be phonies and I cannot trust. I am getting too old to waste time with those who do not understand honesty and loyalty. Mean people who do not disguise themselves as nice I can tolerate. I have come to realize it is better to have an enemy that slaps you in the face than friends that stabs you in the back.

If you're not careful, toxic people can negatively influence the way you think, feel, and behave. They can introduce unnecessary stress into your life and cause chaos that will drag you down. This family has certainly done that for me.

I have a friend/neighbor that I am constantly grumbling and complaining about to my caregiver every time they contact me or their name is mentioned. My talking about these toxic people  when they're not around gives them more power over my life than I am any longer willing to give them.

Every time someone tells me something these gossipers and master manipulators have said about me strong emotions are stirred up. Stress, frustration and rage follows. These toxic friends can get the best of me and cause me to lose control of my emotions.

I no longer want to spend time blaming them for the toxic relationship. My attempts at placing blame have made me realize these toxic people have too much power over me. I now accept personal responsibility for how I spend my time and whom I spend it with. I felt an obligation to put up with them before because I am a retired priest, but no more.

My feeling of dread waiting for them to text or visit consumed a lot of my time and energy.  Christmas is now approaching and I know they will be contacting me to wish me merry Christmas and to tell me how much they miss and love me. This is their routine thinking it will warrant a gift for their grandchild. They also do this around their birthdays, etc. I actually had bought the grandchild a present in preparation for this Christmas, but then today I was told about a nasty remark the husband had made about me and I gave the gift to another child.

I had decided sometime back if I could not beat them, I would just join them. I thought I would accept their behavior even though it was not in accordance with my values. It seemed to be the last resort, but it wasn’t an effective coping strategy. Ultimately, it only created more chaos in my life.

Their manipulative and aggressive tactics made it difficult to set healthy boundaries. When things were not going the way they wanted they would reminded me, “We love you like family, but you will not accept us as family.” I then always felt it was my fault. Without healthy boundaries, it is impossible to protect myself emotionally from their grasp.

I was always in a bad mood after any contact with them. Even thinking of a possible upcoming contact with them upset me. Their unhealthy behavior caused my relationships with others to suffer.

I have decided no longer wasting my time thinking about them will not be enough - I must cut them out of my life. It does not matter how I end the relationship I will be perceived as "mean".  I have been patient long enough.

The husband is like a venomous snake in the grass. He smiles at me when face to face and lies about me when with others and he lies to me about what others say about me. One such occasion was last Easter. The neighborhood chapel does the stations of the cross. There was no reason for him to tell me, but he said when they met the neighbors did not want to have one of the stations at my house and he pleaded with them to do so. I ask him why they would not want to come to my house and he claimed he did not know, but he begged them to change their minds. His parting words were, “Father, I will always have your back.” It upset me and I contacted one of the men on the chapel committed and he told me that it never happened. The man wanted the station placed at his house and requested it be placed there instead of my house. 

Today, I learn that he said if they came to my house to Christmas Carol, a Philippine tradition, he would not come.  Again if he did not want to come to my house he did not have to come, but he did not have to say anything to anyone, just don't come.  He took the opportunity to say something in order to speak negatively about me or cause people to wonder why he did not want to come to my house. Consequently they made the rounds last night and they did not come to my house. 

This is the same man that I paid $1000 to have dental surgery performed on him and dentures made because he was covering his mouth when he smiled because he was embarrassed about his teeth.

These are the same people that I paid the balance of three hospital bills when they did not have the funds to pay them. These are the same people that their son could not register in the private school he attends for the upcoming year because they had a balance from the previous year and I paid off the balance, plus the tuition for the next year and for his books.

I have learned that it is not a good thing to have as many friends as possible, especially when you are buying friendship! They had the advantage over me from the very start of our relationship. I was a foreigner in their world. I had no family or friends and they immediately moved in and took advantage of the situation. I bought into their saying they wanted to “be family”. I now realize they do not get along that well with their own family, so maybe they do treat me like family. I have commented to my caregiver several times I would not waste my time with people like them in the United States and I did not understand why I was doing it here. Desperation for friends I suppose. But, believe me when I say quality is more important than quantity when it comes to friendships.

Relationships should be balanced. It's perfectly normal to ask for help from your friends from time to time. In fact, helping others is one of the best ways to increase your happiness and positivity after 50. But, that doesn't mean that it's your job to solve everyone else's problems.

I do not need friends that make me feel like they hang out with me because of what I can do for them and not what I mean to them? I said earlier I dread receiving calls from them because I know their contacts always come with a request. I do not need or want friends that any contact with them leads to drama.

I am sure cutting my ties with them will for the short term bring some negative emotions like anxiety, guilt, grief, but it will in the long term bring relief.  Do not do as I did and tolerate for eight years a relationship that does not make you feel good or contributes to your wellbeing. We all have the right not to engage in toxic relationships. Today I got a new telephone number and they will not get the number.

Today is the first day of a new beginning when it comes to them and me. I finally realize they only made me a lesser version of myself and I want to be all that I can be. Pray that I will listen to my brain and not my heart and give in and stay the course.