Lose your independence and you lose your freedom

I believe the most difficult thing I have had to deal with in aging is the lost of my independence due to health issues. I am now 75 and I realize the end is nearer than it was just a few years ago, but that does not concern me. We all travel the same path when born and that path ultimately leads to death.

My father died when I was a teenager and I guess that made death more of reality for me than to most young people. The first thing I bought when I got out of high school was cemetery lots and a burial policy. I have always kept my funeral plans written down in order not to burden someone with it later. It may sound morbid to some, but to me it was being practical and responsible.

My father was a good man, but he was an alcoholic until two years before he died. His problem made me want a different life. My great grandfather, grandfather, father and his two brothers were alcoholics, but SUCCESSFUL men. I wanted the success without the addiction problem so I avoided anything and everything that I thought my lead to an addiction.  

I learned early on material things cannot make you happy. I never heard my father say I love you or I am proud of you – NEVER! At 75 that still leaves an emotional scar. My mother would tell me you know your father loves you he just does not know how to show it. Those words brought little comfort to me. It has been said you do not grow up missing what you never had, but I do not think that is true. I think if in your childhood you felt unloved you can always long for love and it can lead you to making poor choices in matters of love.

Because we never knew what might set my father off I learned it was best to be very quiet around the house. Trying to prevent any conflict made me very observant of the things around me and very responsible. My father was not physically abusive, but he was verbally abusive and it created an unsafe atmosphere that I cannot escape even until this day.

I grew up with a need to please others. I cannot say if it was to gain friends and influence people or if it made me feel more secure and safe. I do know now that trying to please everyone does not work. I really learned that in ministry. There are always factions and divisions in the church and I finally realized I could not please the entire parish so one Sunday I made it clear that from then on I  was only interested in pleasing God and doing what I felt God was leading me to do and if anyone did not like it they knew where the door was and I hope they found things better at their new parish. When you try to please everyone you lose all sense of authority. I later realized that was my mother’s problem.

As a young adult, prior to ministry, I felt so unsafe and insecure that I always ended relationships when they became too close. I always felt they were going to end anyway and it was less painful if I ended them rather than be rejected by someone else.  I realize how unfair that was and I am now aware that it possibly prevented me from having a loving wife, children and grandchildren today. I do not think it had anything to do with me wanting to be a minister, but it could have had a lot to do with me wanting to be a Catholic priest.

I always felt a need to be available to those who were suffering. Unfortunately for many years I felt a need to try and fix the problems and when I could not it left me depressed. I am still learning to do the best I can and then let it go. I have also learned that sometimes when you try to fix someone else’s problems you can do more harm than good.

All my life I have found it difficult to ask anyone for help. I am still guilty of that. I do not know if it is because I am afraid they will not come through or that I do not want to be a burden on others. I also find it difficult to deal with the emotions when people express gratitude for things I have done for them, but then I resent it when people take my help for granted. I am really screwed up in many ways. It gives me great joy to bless others and I am blessed when I do.

I have always been very restless always looking for new projects.  I have had many people say Father you have done many great things why don’t you just rest. The words rest and quit are not in my vocabulary. Rest makes me bored. That is what makes old age and bad health so hard for me to deal with. I view life as being short and I do not want to waste any of it. If I can do two or more things at a time I will. 

Friends tease me about my vacations. I spend months planning them out, hour per hour, more time planning than the time I spend on the vacation. I know I only have a limited time in each place and I do not want to miss anything by wasting time looking for something to do. I even map out every location I want to see. I do not think I have ever really been content or satisfied. I always feel there is more, more adventure, more to do, more to accomplish, etc.

I often think of leaving the Philippines, but deep down I know that would not solve my problems. I would still have the same issues to deal with, but the excitement of moving is still there. I constantly need new stimulation. I am still impatient a trait I certainly do not like. My caregiver is constantly telling me I make decision too fast and that I rely on instincts too much.  I suppose it may be a sign of some immaturity, but to me it is a sign of faith. When you feel something is right why waste time going through all the what ifs and maybes. If you fail learn from your mistakes, pick yourself up and move forward.

Often I understand something rationally and intellectually, but it does not change the way I feel emotionally. I see a problem and I know it is not my problem, but emotionally I feel a need to do what I can and I do. It usually turns out for the best, but I have had guns and knifes pulled on me when trying to stop a fight. Once in Galveston two homeless men were fighting in the street outside the Salvation Army. I stop my car and went to try and end the fight. A social worker at the Salvation Army that knew me came running out screaming and when all had calm down she said Father why do you do things like that. You could have been hurt or even killed and for what. Those men contribute nothing to society. I do not know why, but it is just something I always did and would do now if I could.

If you can understand why you do things it helps. I now understand a lot of what I did and do comes out of my problems in childhood. I wish all parents realized the lifetime impressions they are making on their children daily. Those impressions can lead your child to happiness or a life of sadness, greatness or failure, the ability to love or not be able to love. Your role as parents is most likely the most important role you will ever have in your life.

I would also like to warn those who are always craving more not to mess up what they have in order to get more. No mater how much “more” you have you most likely will always want “more”. Never being satisfied can lead you to disaster or greatness depending on how you manage it. If the need for things controls you instead of you controlling the need you are on the road to disaster.

Much of our adult life is influenced by what happened to us as children. The memories, feeling and fears are still their in our subconscious. Still there waiting to help us move forward or to set us back. Be wise and control them - do not let them control you. We like to think we are our own people, but sometimes if we look close enough we discover we are not. History has a habit of repeating itself.

Growing old has a way of making everything from the past fall in place. Things I once could not talk about I can freely recall and talk about today. Things I spent a lifetime trying not to face I can face with confidence.  I am grateful to God that the hard times have not made me hardhearted. I by the grace of God remain open to being hurt again. I have always been able to forgive, not forget, but forgive and forgiveness sets you free.

I spoke of avoiding addictions. I avoided substance addition, but the addition to work I did not. I am a workaholic. That to makes lost of my independence even more difficult so begin to day to try and learn how to BALANCE your time between work and pleasure. There may come a time when your daily work routine will be interrupted, but your relationship with others never has to be interrupted if you continual nourish them.

I would not want to relive life, but I am glad for all the opportunities God has given me good and bad for I have learned from them all.

Do not be hard on yourself. Do not filter what you truly believe in order to please others. Always be honest and truthful. Always be kind to others because you never know what they are going through at any given time. Remember we were not created to always be happy regardless of what some preacher or friend tells you. If we were always happy we would not appreciate the happy times as we do. Always hold on to hope for without hope life is over.

If you do not remember any of what I have written please remember this EVERYONE has good and bad times. Everyone has happy days and depressing days. Everyone has problems and secrets. No one is perfect not even that man or woman you call your religious leader. He or she carries some baggage from childhood and is influence by past experience just like you.