Retirement can be hell!

 I finally made the decision to retire because of my health. I have always loved working and poured myself into it. When I finally had to admit that I could no longer maintain the schedule that I had spent five plus decades managing it was confusing to say the least. In the beginning I tried to convince myself that sleeping as late as I wanted sounded good; eating when I wanted would be great; not having someone at the door at daybreak asking questions or wanting something would be fabulous. Ah! Finally a no stress life, but was I ever wrong. I simply traded one stress that I had always loved, for another stress that I soon discovered I hated.

Contrary to what many think, retirement has been one of the most stressful times in my life and I am sure that others have found it to be the same for them. This is because life is based on a social status that is dependent on what people do for society, and therefore that is how society identifies with them and they identify with themselves. Once retired, I felt that some people who once saw me as a contributor to society now saw me as a parasite: consuming but not producing. Not only did I feel society view me that way, I saw myself in the same way.  I cannot count the number of times I have said, “I am no longer needed”, “I am only taking up space”, “I serve no purpose” and “Why does God keep allowing me to breathe”.

While working I was frequently in the spotlight and quite honestly I did not realize the impact the attention and admiration I received from my work had on my sense of self-worth. I would have denied it if someone would have suggested my being deprived of attention and admiration would lead me to feeling rejected and empty. I would have thought those kinds of feelings to be prideful and arrogant, something I never saw myself as being.

Retirement is really payback time; there should be no guilt. These expected fourteen years for men and twenty-three for women have been earned, so what the newly retired should concentrate on is how to enjoy them to the fullest and reduce any post retirement stress. But, there is a catch; knowing and doing are two different things. I did feel guilt and often still do. My caregiver would tell me, “Father, You worked hard 18 hours a day for nearly 50 years. You contributed more than most, stop feeling guilty. You deserve to rest, you earned it.”

I found retirement contributed to feelings of grief and as in any grief response, the feelings of gloom and hopelessness were exaggerated in my mind. The loss in retirement was not of an individual, but of a way of life. In addition to dealing with grief I had to deal with a feeling of worthlessness because I no longer saw myself as contributing to society.

Most people do not like feeling like a parasite, nor do they welcome losing the status they once had. They cannot help but notice they no longer receive the respect they once had. They become over-sensitive; begin to feel like ‘yesterday’s man or woman’.

I noticed right away I was not welcome back at the parish by other priest as I had thought I would be. My once sought after advice was no longer needed. It did not take long for me to realize my fate.  Celebrating Mass as a lay person would be my only association with my past place of employment. Then because I had become bitter I found I spend the time during the Homily critiquing the Celebrant and thinking I could do a better job than him. 

I realize the feelings I have on retirement are not universal. Many people retire and never have a moment to spare in their new lives. They actually enjoy retirement. But, I aged ten years during the first year of retirement. I never lacked confidence, but I began to feel stripped of confidence. I felt defeated, beaten, bored and lost. I think one thing that made my retirement more difficult is I had not mentally prepared for it. It was not something I thought was going to happen when it did.

I am not sure I could have prepared for boredom, but I think it would have been better if I could have tried to do so. Retiring gradually is also something I think would have made my retirement better. I do not think there is one ‘retirement plan’ that fits all. I have witness people retire very young and never get bored.

I have tried to analyze why there is such a difference in how people deal with retirement. Those people that had a life outside of work seem to do far better than those like myself that devoted their life to their work. Today, I would advise all young people not to let their work consume them. Manage your work time and do not let it manage you. Young people should establish their own identity and not allow their work to become their identity. Depression after retirement is a real problem. Many people, who have invested a lot in their careers and neglected other areas of their lives, may suddenly feel emptiness and despair which leads to depression.

The loss of independence due to health issues has been a major stress factor for me. I am not use to asking or allowing people to do things for me, especially things that I once did for myself. I often feel I am a prisoner to my circumstances. My emotional feelings over retirement contribute to my health issues being worse and I know that, but once again knowing and doing something about it are two different things.

It may not sound important to others, but it has proven important to me – it is difficult for me not to be able to go places by myself and not need someone with me all the time. I think a similar situation could become a problem for husbands and wives who during a working career had a break from each other five days a week. They retire and find they are together 24/7 and that can create all kinds of problems. I have sat in malls and watched older men following behind their wives carrying shopping bags, bend over, looking defeated and wondered if the man was once the head of a corporation, a doctor, a professor or entrepreneur and now is reduced to being a ‘bag boy’. I think it is important for retirees to try and maintain some semblance of independence.

My one outlet to the world is my blog and yearly book. I admit I have concerns of getting Alzheimer’s since it seems to be a plague for my mother’s side of the family. Through observation of my own family I have come to believe maintaining a good social life where different people meet regularly in a mutually enjoyable activity slows Alzheimer’s. Those in my family that suffered from Alzheimer’s retired and locked themselves off from the world. I unfortunately have made maintaining a good social life difficult by moving to a foreign country where I have to deal with a language barrier. If I had it to do over again I do not know that I would choose to leave behind an established social life that took years to cultivate.

I allowed myself to get away from a structured life and that did not work for me. I spend half the morning in bed and the only activity of my day was going to the mall for coffee.  I have now started getting up at the same time as the rest of the world, washing and dressing, as I had all my life prior to retirement. I am assisting my caregiver and his sister in opening a small cantina and sari-sari store to occupy my time and I hope it makes me feel more productive and needed. I have contacted Field of Dreams Boys Home and getting involved with that organization on a limited basis. I am shopping around for a new parish in an attempt to find a priest that is willing to devote the time needed to prepare a decent homily so I can once again have an opportunity to learn.

I have always planned my income and expenditure at the beginning of each year and I continued that after retirement. I had planned financially for my retirement so at the moment finances is not a problem for me. I realize I am no longer in a position to earn more money so I am stricter on myself than before retirement. I would like for everyone to know the days when a pension was big enough to leave a person as well-off as when working have passed. Young people should start saving for retirement out of their first paycheck and make it a habit. The amount does not have to be great, but your loyalty to a retirement fund must be.

I am not an expert on retirement or depression, but in closing I would like to offer a few suggestions that have been given to me. Some of the suggestions came too late for me, but maybe not for you:

•Lead a balanced lifestyle and cultivate interests outside of work.

•Don’t wait until retirement to plan what to do with your time. Plan ahead.

•Prevent isolation by getting involved in activities where you can socialize and meet people with the same interests or in a similar position.

®Do not assume your children and grandchildren will be there to entertain you when you retire.

•If you are concerned that you may be suffering from depression, seek help as soon as possible. I waited until I cried at the most inappropriate times before I shared my problem with my cardiologist because I was too embarrassed to share what I saw as a weakness, but I found him to be most helpful.

How do you know you may be suffering from depression: If you have any of the following signs you should consider the possibility you are depressed.

•Persistent sad, anxious or empty mood

•Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism

•Loss of pleasure or interest in ordinary activities

•Problems with sleep (sleeping too much or too little)

•Loss of appetite or overeating

•Decreased energy

•Restlessness or irritability

•Difficulty concentrating, remembering or making decisions

•Inappropriate feelings of guilt.

I myself was feeling hopelessness and had become pessimistic; I no longer was interested in the things that once had been important to me; Sleeping had become a major issue; I lost sixty pounds in less than one year; I had no energy; I became extremely irritable with everything and everyone; Concentration became a problem and I felt guilty because God has always blessed me abundantly and continued to do so in spite of myself.

Even though I knew the signs of depression and counseled people with depression I refused to accept that depression and not strictly physical health issues were my problem. I have always been an advocate for mental health, counseling and medication, but when it came to my personal depression that was an entirely different story. I saw my depression as a weakness or lack of faith, something I would never associate with someone else’s depression. Do not let pride stand in your way of getting help.

Thank you Dr. Roy Barcinas, M.D., Davao, Philippines, for your advice!

 

 

 

That's my child - you are talking about!

Things we should not to say to parents with special needs.

I have heard people with good intentions say some unintentional cruel things to parents of children with special needs. For example: “He looks so normal”, “God only gives special kids to special parents”, “You're a saint, I could never do what you do”, “When is he going to start talking?”, “Will she ever walk”, “My child learned to read by age 1”, “Is he your only child - are you going to try again?”, “Oh poor thing”, “I’m so sorry”, “She is not that bad it could be a lot worse”, “Will he ever be normal” and “What exactly is wrong with him?”

One of these perceived unintentional cruel remarks was greeted with a very loud “I do not want you to feel sorry for me?” by a mother with a special needs child.  I am trying to smile and shake hands with people as they leave Mass and I have two well intention women standing in front of me about to start Wrestling Mania XXV.

The one with good intentions could not understand why the mother of the special needs child was insulted when she told her, “You know he really looks normal.” She began to try and defend her remarks by telling the mother of the special needs child, “Why don’t you tell me what I should say, since it appears you would be offended at any comment I made. I was trying to offer you sympathy. What wrong with offering sympathy for a child that will be at a disadvantage the rest of his life? If someone says they are sorry, why are you so angry? Don’t let your ignorance upset you - educate me as to what you want me to say!”

I am supposed to now step in and be the peace maker before they attack one another.

I took the well intentioned lady by the hand and led her back a few steps and suggested if she was ever in a similar situation she could say the same thing she would to a parent with a ‘normal’ child - “He has such a beautiful smile” or “he is growing so quickly.” Parents with special need children are not generally looking for sympathy or pity.

Parents of special needs children do not see their children as burdens. They have learned to appreciate the little things like smiles, hearing “mama”, touching/hugging their children and being touched and hugged by them. They feel tremendous joy over what other parents may take for granted.

Special needs children love to play have fun and do the same things that other children do, just maybe not in the same way. They have thoughts, feelings, opinions and desires, even though they may not be able to express them, much less speak them, in a way that the whole world can understand. Special needs children want to be loved and understood for who they are. I once saw a special needs child on television say, “I do not want you to fix me. I want you to love me just as I am.”

Parents of special need children tend to see the things their children have in common with ‘normal’ children rather than the differences. I have had many parents of special needs children tell me every child is a blessing and every child is a gift from God.

There are over 20 million families in the United States raising children with special needs. It’s a fact raising a child with disabilities can be difficult, but that does not mean their parents love them any less or enjoy them any less. There are health issues that generally bring on financial difficulties. There are mobility issues that must be dealt with. Education often becomes a major issue. If there are other children in the family finding enough time so no one feels neglected can become a problem. Planning for the child’s future in the event the parent’s become ill or dies before the child weighs heavily on the parent’s minds.

The real choice in accepting or rejecting a child with special needs is never between some imaginary perfection and imperfection. None of us is perfect. No child is perfect. The real choices in accepting or rejecting a child with special needs come down to the parent’s ability to love and nurture, having courage or being a coward and between trust and fear. But, are not those the same choices all parents must face.

A baby with Down syndrome birthed in 1942, the year when I was born, could expect to live about 25 years. Many spent their entire lives shut up in public institutions. Today, people with Down syndrome often survive into their 50s and 60s. Most can enjoy happy, productive lives. Most live with their families or share group homes with modified supervision and some measure of personal autonomy. Many hold steady jobs in the workplace. Some marry. A few have even attended college.

In John 9, we read that Jesus’s disciples met a blind man, and asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?” Jesus made it clear it is not a question of sin or punishment when a special needs baby is born. “Jesus answered, ‘It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him’” (John 9:2–3). Parents of special needs children should not feel guilt and no one has the right to try and assign guilt to them. God did not look away when special needs babies are born. He did not make a mistake, nor was He punishing anyone.

Parents of special needs children by faith believe their child is not a burden, but a special gift from God. God is always in control and has their best interests at heart. God did not give them this special child to ruin their lives, for God promises to work all things for good. It is not always easy and we cannot always see the good, but by faith we must trust that God is working all things for good.

The church should not be a burden for Special Needs Parents. The church needs to offer programs that give the parents of special needs children a much NEEDED break. Church on Sunday morning needs to be, if nothing else, a respite. A time when these parents can have an hour — just one hour! — To fellowship with other adults; to relax and drink a cup of coffee; to focus on their own spiritual walk; to get away from the constant state of alertness that accompanies raising a special needs child.

You are NOT overstepping your boundaries by expecting your special needs child to be loved and accepted in church. It is NOT too much to ask. If others in your church are heaping more burdens on you than you can bear, it might be time to look for a different fellowship.

Ninety percent of special needs families do not attend church because most churches do not have mission programs for their special needs child.  The church needs to realize special needs children are a legitimate mission field. Church leaders should not predetermine who can and cannot be help by the Holy Spirit.

Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’” –Matthew 25:40

One Catholic Church in the U.S.A. is taking seriously what Christ said and they are doing their part for the ‘least of Christ brothers and sisters’:

Handicapped Entrance & Parking: The handicapped entrances to the church are on the left and right hand side. They are accessible via the alley that runs behind 2nd Street and Glen Avenue. Side handicapped parking is available along Glen Avenue where the curb is painted blue, behind the St. Lucy house or in the lot directly across from the church.

Handicapped Bathroom: Located on the first floor in the front of the Church to the left of the altar. The main bathrooms are located in the lower level of the church by the lending library.

Handicapped Confessional: Located in the front of the Church to the left of the altar.

Handicapped Seating: Is located on either side in the front of the Church, right & left sides of the altar and the first three pews on each side of the main aisle.

Communion: Please sit in the first row of the Handicapped Seating area and a Eucharistic Minister will bring Communion to you. At St. Joan of Arc it is very important to us that every person who wishes to attend Mass and receive the sacraments can do so regardless of their limitations.

Assisted Listening Devices: They are located in the Narthex in the book cabinet.  Please see an usher.

Large Print Missals: Please see an usher.

REP for Children with Special Needs: SJA’s Religious Education Program supports all students, including those with special needs. Our program includes a special needs class held on Sunday mornings, helpers to provide one on one assistance in regular education REP classes, and in-home instruction for children who cannot attend classes. 

We will continue to partner with the Ministry for Persons with Disabilities to identify areas of improvement.

St. Joan of Arc Catholic Church
359 West Areba Ave.
Hershey, PA 17033

Can abortion be forgiven?

Some people believe having an abortion is an unforgiveable sin and that is not true.  There is nothing in the Bible that would support that idea.  I suspect that most who teach that abortion is unforgivable are simply trying to scare women into not having an abortion. 

I whole heartily believe abortion is murder.  I believe killing any one is terrible, especially an innocent child.   If abortion is unforgiveable then all types of killing are unforgiveable and no scripture supports that.  Numerous people in the Bible committed murder and were forgiven by God. 

Moses murdered an Egyptian (Exodus 2:12), David had Uriah killed (2 Samuel 11:14-17) and even Paul went about arresting and killing Christians before he became one of the greatest missionaries the world has ever seen (Acts 8:1-3). Even when it comes to killing children, many Israelite people fell into the sin of sacrificing their children to false idols (Ezekiel 16:21).  Although these sins were deplorable to God they were still forgiven by God.  If God can forgive people like Moses, David, Paul, and the idol-worshipping Israelites, God will also forgive every mother who has had an abortion.   There is grace and forgiveness for all who have had an abortion who sincerely repent.

People have often asked me what about rape and incest?  What about it!  As horrible as it would be to become pregnant as a result of rape or incest, is the murder of a baby the right answer?  Two wrongs do not make a right.  The child who is a result of rape or incest could be given in adoption to a loving family unable to have children on their own or the child could be raised by its mother. Again, the baby is completely innocent and should not be punished for the evil acts of its father.  All life has dignity and value. 

I have also been asked many times what about when the life of the mother is at risk.  This is the most difficult question for me to answer on the issue of abortion. The truth is the issue of the mothers health is the reason behind less than one-tenth of one percent of all abortions done in the world today.  Far more women have an abortion for convenience than women who have an abortion to save their own lives.  

I think we must remember that God is a God of miracles.  He can preserve the life of a mother and a child despite all the medical odds being against it.  But, I believe this question can only be decided between a husband, wife, and God.  Any couple facing this difficult situation should pray to the Lord for wisdom (James 1:5) as to what He would have them to do.  I do not think a priest, preacher or any Christian should give advice to a parent facing this dilemma.

Over 95 percent of the abortions performed today involve women who simply do not want to have a baby.  Less than 5 percent of abortions are for the reasons of rape, incest, or the mother's health being at risk. 

For those who have had an abortion, remember that the sin of abortion is no less forgivable than any other sin.  Through faith in Christ, all sins can be forgiven (John 3:16; Romans 8:1; Colossians 1:14).  A woman who has had an abortion, a man who has encouraged an abortion or even a doctor who has performed one can all be forgiven by faith in Jesus Christ.  There is hope for those who have participated in, or who have had an abortion.  If this is you, I encourage you to read Psalm 51 often.  God's unfailing love and compassion will see you through.  We lean on His strength for the future and not our failures from the past.   

The Catholic Catechism Says: “Certain particularly grave sins incur excommunication, the most severe ecclesiastical penalty, which impedes the reception of the sacraments and the exercise of certain ecclesiastical acts, and for which absolution consequently, cannot be granted.” and “The Church affirms that for believers the sacraments of the New Covenant are necessary for salvation....” – CONFUSION.

Monsignor J who is now deceased interpreted that to mean if you have an abortion you go to hell.  He told a young woman who was a diabetic and pregnant she would go to hell and there was no way to change it.  The woman was in the hospital for one month in the early stages of her pregnancy and the doctors advised her to have an abortion immediately.  She refused. 

Before she left the hospital her husband ask her for a divorce and told her he was marrying someone else.  The young woman then changed her mind and had the abortion.  When Monsignor J told the young woman several months later she could never take Holy Communion and she would definitely go to hell she had a mental breakdown. 

I in no way agree with Monsignor J.  I think his sin of telling the woman she could never be forgiven and was going to hell was a greater sin than the woman committed if you could rate sin. The woman unfortunately took the priest words as God’s words.  

Frankly I am confused by the Catechism.  As we have seen in Scripture, God is merciful and full of compassion, even to those who have committed the worst of sins.  On one hand, we are told that abortion is a mortal sin, which needs to be confessed to a priest.  This confession needs to be made in order for the Catholic individual to participate in the eternal life-giving sacrament of the Eucharist.  Then the Catechism places the decree of excommunication on those who have participated in the act of abortion and they are forbidden from receiving this life-giving sacrament.

Now I must make clear that the Catholic Church today says and the early Church Fathers agreed abortion, like all sins, is forgivable; and forgiveness is as close as the nearest confessional.  Unfortunately Monsignor J must have been absent the day when they taught that in the seminary or his disgust for abortion was so great he allowed his law to replace the law of the church and most importantly the law of God.  He may have been as confused as I am. 

I do not believe God has separated out the sin of abortion and withheld His redeeming grace from those who have fallen in this way.  Only God offers eternal life.

I also want to add that I believe the Sacrament of Communion belongs to God and not the Church.  It is a private matter between the person taking Communion and God.  I do not believe any man has the right to deny Communion to anyone unless they are intentionally making a mockery of Communion.  Of course this goes contrary to our Catholic belief.  I would never refuse anyone Holy Communion who was seeking it with reverence.  I did have a responsibility to see that the person giving the Communion was worthy to distribute Communion to the best of my knowledge.

Latter-day Saints believe murder is an unforgivable sin, when it’s done with real intent to take an innocent life, and they believe that to have an abortion is murder and is an unforgiveable sin. 

They tell their member, “In all seriousness you who submit yourselves to an abortion or to an operation that precludes you from safely having additional healthy children are jeopardizing your exaltation and your future membership in the kingdom of God.”  They go on to say, “Church members guilty of being parties to the sin of abortion must be subjected to the disciplinary action of the councils of the Church as circumstances warrant.   Such discipline, which applies to all parties consenting to the evil act, may include excommunication from the Church.”   

Again, I am confused by their teaching is it forgivable or not.  It appears some men in the church can meet and make it forgivable it they choose.  That sounds to me like playing God.

I want to relay to you a message that I read from a young woman.   “Not long after I turned 30-years-old, I met and surrendered my life to the King of kings, the Lord of lords, the Creator of the universe.  Many a Sunday I sat on a church pew and bumped elbows with my new friends and family in Christ.  I estimate that during three years I listened to about 150 sermons; and three times I cried and died on the inside as I sat through the well-meaning Sanctity of Life programs.

Condescending tones of voices, shaking of wise heads, wagging righteous fingers, and all manner of good and godly in which ‘abortion’ was spoken of inside of church walls, forced me throw secret shovelfuls of dirty dirt on the pain of my past.  I crammed it deep down into the unmentionable regions of my soul. I thought it was my only option. 

You need to realize that as a young Believer, I did not know that that ugly, horrific piece of my past could be and or should be handed over to Jesus.  About three years into my Christian walk, I praise God that I heard a teaching about freedom and healing through forgiveness.  Finally, someone tore back the curtain just enough for me to see that this Jesus was not only capable, but quite available, and even willing, to set free a sinner such as me. 

Even so, I knew I could not travel this road alone as I sought Christ’s mercy; so, with humility and shame to the utmost, I shared my past, my guilt, and my secret with a couple of women.  These ladies immediately came alongside me with gentle hands, tender hearts, and Truth-edged tongues.  They led me to the very feet of Jesus. Once there, I literally laid flat at the base of the cross as He poured redeeming water over hell’s sin-flames.  God drenched the devil’s fiery lies and set me free.

What I had done may have been unfathomable to most, but it was forgivable by the Jesus of my salvation.” 

God doesn’t pick and choose the forgive-ability of sins; He doesn’t weigh them on a scale and set the ugly, heavy ones aside and refuse to forgive them.