You are marrying their past if you want to admit it or not.

Today more and more people are getting married without knowing anything about their partner’s present family or their childhood family relationships. I could not begin to tell you the number of times I have been told, “I am not marrying his or her family I am marrying them.”  You are marrying his or her past childhood family relationships and sometimes present family relationships if you want to admit it or not. We learn how to live in relationships from our families.

Here is a true story from a man whose father was an alcoholic, ““I want so much to trust that love isn’t going to cost me in the long run. I grew up with a father who loved me to death when he was sober, but beat me when he was drunk. I tried to anticipate when it would be safe to be close to him, but I was usually wrong. He had two sides, as I guess most people do, but they were nothing like each other. I still always wanted his approval and I think I’m looking for that in my relationships. But I keep pulling away when someone gives too much. I keep waiting to be clobbered. Better just not to get too close.”

That anticipation of waiting to be clobbered prevented him from establishing trust in any personal relationship. Anyone who marries him, without him working out his own childhood demons, is marrying remnants of his father. If you think that is not important to your relationship or marriage you have better think again.

I am the product of a good man who was an alcoholic. People would have thought our life was charmed, but it wasn’t. My mother was an enabler and taught us at an early age how to keep the family secret. He provided all the material things we could possibly ever need or want. Our emotional needs were never met. It was like walking on egg shells in our home. We never knew what would set him off. There was no physical abuse, but there was mental abuse, name calling, humiliation, cursing, etc. If you think mental abuse cannot be as damaging as physical abuse you are wrong. I think you can get over childhood physical abuse easier than mental abuse.

I knew from the time I started dating that something was wrong with me when it came to maintaining personal relationships, but I could not put my finger on the problem. I reasoned that I became bored easily and always wanted something new. Years later I was in Galveston, Texas and picked up a small book in a used bookstore title, “Children of alcoholics”. I thumbed through the book and was intrigued. I purchased the book and went to a nearby park and sat down and read the entire book. I finally knew what was wrong with me, my childhood family relationships, had doomed my future relationships.

I learned when children are raised in environments where love is associated with fear, they have only two choices. The first is to tolerate the pain in order to get the love that goes with it and the second is to run from the pain and go without love. I was like a deer in headlights and had hoped that things would resolve themselves and it was not happening.  I had no problem attracting love, but I always ran before the anticipated betrayal occurred.  If there was to be any breaking up I wanted to be the one to end the relationship. I could not handle rejection.

I would always begin the relationship giving the love I did not get from my father, but in the back of my mind the fear of rejection loomed. I would test my partner to see if they really loved me. The testing needless to say always damaged the relationship.

This is the response of the partner to the young man I mentioned earlier, “I think I’m doing everything to make him feel loved and cared for, but just when I’m gaining ground, he finds just one thing I did wrong and sees me as having a hidden agenda to rip him off. Sometimes he tells me he’s never felt so loved and accepted and that’s what keeps me going. Then, he turns on me. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I don’t know how much more I can give and never be trusted.” This could easily have been the comments of any of my partners.

I wanted to trust my partner without being in control of my every thought and action, but I felt more secure with them knowing the least they could about my needs and desires, because I felt that gave them less control over me. Every time I seem to open up and let my partner in I got hurt. If I wasn’t hurting I was wondering when they would hurt me. I generally would run before they had a chance to do so.   

It is hard to believe that my being hard to get close to actually attracted some people to me. I guess it was a challenge for them, a game to see who would win. The harder they tried the more I looked for a reason to run. I feared being dominated. The sad thing is some of them, maybe most of them, may have been sincere in their love for me and had no interest in controlling me. I may have misread their trying to be close to me as wanting to control me. If that was the case I was the looser.  

I never wanted to be obligated to anyone and always felt if my partner gave me too much I would be obligated to them. Whatever they gave me I had to give better in return in order not to feel obligated. So many times I have mentioned I wanted something and when my partner wanted to get it for me I would pretend I no longer wanted it. I always made sure that my partner was getting more out of the relationship than me because I did not want to feel trapped or owing when I did run.

I was familiar with past relationships where I was burned by people who used coercion, guilt, or threats to try and keep me in a relationship and I did not want to repeat those experiences. I had accepted their offers of attention and gifts only to find out later that those behaviors were attached to expected entitlements in return.

I began to build relationships with people I knew were weaker than me, had less than me, were not as intelligent as me thinking they would not try to control me. If there was to be any controlling done I would be the controller. That did not work because the relationships did not stimulate me.

People who have had their boundaries violated as children or in prior relationships build strong walls around them. They feel that the only way they are safe is to never let a partner know what they are feeling. They especially, do not want a partner to know or think they may need them. It makes no difference that we may want to be loved and feel secure we just cannot do it because of the fear of rejection. It is hard work pretending you do not care as much as you do.

We may act as if nothing our partners offer matters that much, but secretly inside it matters a lot. Outwardly we can act quite indifferent when inwardly we are enjoying the gifts. We have to keep our guard up at all times for the anticipated rejection that surely will come later. We may act like separation does not matter when in reality it feels like our world is ending.

When a person can’t love because of childhood trauma, past failures or anticipation of hurt, they are frustrating to their partners. Human beings live in harmony by creating an atmosphere of giving and receiving. They learn rhythms of sharing and exchange that builds trust and future expectations. When one person gives and the other either doesn’t take it, or pretends not to, the imbalance will eventually harm the relationship.

If you are a person who cannot let love in, you can change. The first step is to recognize what you are doing. The second is to share those underlying reasons and your desire to change with your current partner if you are in a relationship. The third is to challenge your old behaviors as you observe them happening and choose to take a different path. Over time and with lots of work - I found counseling extremely helpful - your interactions will become more authentic, you will begin to feel the joy of living your life without the need to protect yourself by keeping love away.

I am not saying that a time will come when you do not have to work at not reverting back to your old ways, at least I did not find that to be the case. You may also begin to over compensate like I did and tend to stay in toxic relationships far too long because you want to make sure you are not slipping back into your old patterns. 

Those that are thinking of marrying a person that you know nothing about their family interactions or childhood and think they are not important let me warn you - you are making a terrible mistake and if you do not think it matters you are living in a fantasy world.

Those from dysfunction background need to get help before they marry after they marry it is generally too late.