Looking for signs that God can still use me!

My health has deteriorated drastically over the last two years. My mind wants to do the things I once did, but my body will not allow it. I try to continue to go to church on Sundays because I have a strong desire to do so and go to the mall coffee shop a few times a week to satisfy friends. Each and every time I do I wonder if it is really worth it? Personally, it is too much of a struggle and drains me of every ounce of energy that I have, not to mention the chest pain and shortness of breath.

Lately something small always happens that causes me to make negative comments. Things that once would not have bothered me now drive me nuts. Little things like people eating with their hands in nice restaurants instead of using utensils, unattended children in the coffee shop splashing your coffee as they run and hit your table, people who see you walking to get in a taxi and know you are walking with a cane and assistance from someone else, but will run and get the taxi ahead of you.  I spiral downward and seem to be unable not to make nasty comments.

I then regret going out of the house. I begin to think I gave my life to Christ wanting to be used by Him, but I expected to serve out of my strength and not my weakness. It is hard to serve when you no longer feel adequate to do so.

As usual for this time of year I began to study the Christmas story. It hit me yesterday how Mary must have felt. I did a piece sometime back that I did not understand why people think the birth of Christ was a walk in the park for Mary.

How many friends and neighbors do you think really believed Mary was a virgin?  Her pregnancy must have been a scandal and the focal point of gossipers. Her family must have felt disgraced. Joseph at first did not even believe God had called Mary to give birth to Christ.

I wonder if Mary at times thought I did not sign on for this public humiliation. Did she ever say, ‘you are God why can’t you handle this better?’ Do you think Mary ever ask God will this one day get better? After all Mary was mortal, not a god.

I just do not believe Mary was totally jubilant as she struggled, pregnant, the last eighty miles to Bethlehem. She may have said some unkind words at times. She had no one to make the trip easier except Joseph. I know we vision her riding upon a donkey because that is what we see in pictures, but the Bible says nothing about a donkey. I believe Mary walked the eighty miles. How many pregnant women about to give birth do you know that would or could go on an eighty mile hike?

Why was Joseph’s family not traveling with them? They were required to go to Bethlehem for the census just as Joseph was. Do you think the family may not have wanted to be seen with them because they were ashamed of Mary’s pregnancy? All we really know is there was no prearranged place for them to stay. Joseph must have had family that lived in Bethlehem. No one seems to have felt an obligation to give up their bed for a pregnant woman.   

Did Mary not wonder why God had not intervened to make things easier for her? Scripture does not record that this birth was anything other than ordinary. It appears to me to have been a bloody and painful birth as all births are.  She gave birth and the baby was placed in swaddling cloth as all babies were at the time. It seems to have been a normal human birthing.

It would have been normal for family to have been present for the birth. The Bible records Mary and Joseph were alone. It makes no mention of family. Why did the family choose to stay away? Do you not think this would have made the situation even more difficult for a new mother?

I am not a woman, but I have counsel with lots of pregnant women. I have never met a woman about to give birth or has just given birth that her body chemistry was normal. All sorts of things must have gone through Mary’s mind – is this place safe, is this place clean, where do I lay the baby, God is this what you really planned for us and is this really the Son of God?

Signs in the Bible were significant. Can you imagine how relieved Mary must have been when the shepherds came and told Mary and Joseph all that had happened? Angels had proclaimed their child’s birth. The shepherds were Mary’s confirmation that her baby was the Son of God.

The Shepherd’s needed a sign to let them know they were in the right place. They were told: “…you will find a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.” The messy, dirty, smelly feeding trough was the sign that God used to show the shepherds where the Savior lay.

Mary needed a sign, the shepherds needed a sign and we sometimes need a sign in order to know that we are still in God’s will. That God is still with us and we are still being used by God. I just posted a piece on Mother Teresa and she had been looking for a sign before her death.

But what if the confirmation or sign from God is that things will continue to get more difficult and more humbling than we expected? The opposite of what we wanted? What if the confirmation or sign is that God is with us in our lonely/hard places, but things will remain hard and lonely? What if the confirmation or sign is our manger?

When our plans are falling apart, our lives feel unimportant and we are hoping for something better/easier, perhaps we are exactly where God wants us to be. That is what I have to accept and Mother Teresa had to accept, but it is sometimes difficult to accept that God knows best, but we must.

So as I grief over my weakness and disappointments, I recall the manger. My suffering is not pretty. It’s painful and humbling, but with the Holy Spirit's help I can still glorify God.

God can use our pain and humiliation to bring him the greatest glory. God’s kingdom does not operate as our earthly kingdom does: “The last shall be first, the weak shall be strong, and the foolish shall shame the wise.” Those are strange principles for humans, but strange or not that is what Christians are called to accept as a way of life.  

I am called with the help of the Holy Spirit to show strength to others in this time of weakness. I am called to show that I can maintain faith in these times of trials. I am called to demonstrate that I still have hope. I am called to allow God to use me in spite of my circumstances the same as Mary and Mother Teresa.

Losing my temper, replying with unkind words, being impatient does not help me or others and it certainly prevents God from using me. So, this Christmas season and every day that follows I will try harder than I have in recent months to be what God wants me to be while continuing to look for a sign that God still has a use for me.