Why do people expect more than they are willing to give?

I received an email from a woman that I have known for many years.  I would consider her and her husband friends.  I have not seen them since I moved to the Philippines, but we keep in touch.  I love them both equally. .I enjoyed their company and I respect them both. 

I was not shocked by her email as she expected me to be, because I saw each of their faults and I always thought they would eventually lead to serious problems.  I admit I thought the problems would have begun sooner than they did.

It is difficult to minister to close friends.  You try to do so without affecting your personal relationship and that is nearly impossible.  If the relationship is extremely important to you then you try to get your point across without really stating your point and that never works and that is exactly what I did. 

I regret it now, but I doubt if either would have appreciated or heeded my advice if I had been upfront back then.  I have thought many times over the years I had been wrong about their relationship because if they had made it this long they would make it to the end. 

She began her email by stating, “You will never believe what happen to us, but after forty years of marriage (X) has ask me for a divorce and has moved out.  Can you believe that?  I am willing to give him the divorce without putting up a fight, but I need to know why and he refuses to tell me.  At first I thought it was another woman or even a man, but I know now that is not the case.  He is in the process of purchasing a small house next door to our oldest daughter and her husband.  I know you must be as shocked as I am, but if you can help me figure this out I would appreciate it.  Love X” 

I replied, “Do you really want to know what I think or do you want me to just try and console you.  The choice is yours.  You know I love you both and it breaks my heart that this has happen, but truthfully I saw it coming many years ago.  Let me know what you want from me.”

She replied she wanted me to tell her what I honestly thought the problem was and not hold back.  She asks did I think he was going through a mid-life crisis.  She has spent a considerable amount of time trying to figure the problem out on her own and by asking others for help and no one has been honest with her.  I assume knowing them like I do they both have prayed about this matter daily. 

How do you tell one of your best friends that you cannot expect more out of a relationship than you put into it, but that is exactly what I had to do?  Of course at first she did not agree with me, but I think over several months she has come to see that much of the problem was her ambition.  To be frank her GREED! 

When I began to deal with her about the problem I ask her to advise me what she felt she had contributed to the relationship and to list at least ten items.  This is her list: 1. I worked at the same place of employment from before we were married until now and as you know I made more money than he did.  2. We were able to take very nice vacations every year from the additional money I brought home.  3.  We were able to send our daughters to the best universities and get them started in life because of my income.  4.  We were able to live in a very nice home in a very nice neighborhood with very nice furnishings due to my income.  5. We each had nice automobiles and were able to provide nice automobiles to the girls when they were living at home.  6. I did not cheat on him and cheating never crossed my mind, although I had many opportunities.  7. I attended football games, basketball games and baseball games with him and you know how I hate sports events.  8.  When he needed clothes I went and picked them out because he did not like to shop and he had bad taste in clothes.  9. I was a good wife and mother.  10. HE KNEW I loved him.

I ask her if she read what she emailed me.  Five of the ten had to do with the money she provided to the relationship.  There was nothing mentioned about meeting emotional needs. Relationships need more than money.

Number six was something any wife or husband is expected to do.  Number seven she stated she does not like sports and everyone knew that because she told everyone and never let him forget the sacrifices she made to attend the games.  Number eight I do not know if I believed it or not.  I tend to believe she did not let him shop for his own clothes because she is particular about her appearance and wanted him to look his best when with her.  I needed her to define number nine to me as to what she thought made a good mother and wife.  How did he know she loved him?  I never saw the two of them holding hands, I never heard an argument, but I never heard verbal expression of love or saw physical signs of love between the two of them.  I heard her say many times when people took offense to what she said to him,  “He knows I love him and only say things that are good for him,”

Before you say it is obvious that they would have problems think about your own relationships at home, work, school and church. Do you take them for granted.  Do you expect more than you give or do you take more than you give?

I have known many people who go to work daily and expect 100% of their pay and give their employer about 50% of their time.  Ask yourself does my employer pay me to carry on personal telephone conversations, look up personal items of interest on the Internet, go back and forth to the coffee maker and eat Bon-Bon’s throughout the day, pay my personal bills at work, listen to my co-workers problems or tell my co-worker my problems on my employers time.  I doubt they do, but a lot of people do it. We are not willing to give what we are even paid to give. 

My dad told me if you take pay for time you were not productive from your employer you rob them of what they are rightfully due.  If you think they do not pay you enough do not try to justify being a thief get another job. 

I am disgusted with men and women, especially men, who have affairs on the side.  I am even more disgusted when society approves of a man having more than one family, while living with his wife and legal family.  Men and women who have these affairs obviously expect more than they give and society by their silence gives a sign of approval. 

It is appalling to me that some people are given the best pews in the church when everyone knows they have a wife and two or three mistresses with children.  It does not make it right just because the man supports the wife and mistresses and all his children.  It is immoral and it certainly is not what God meant for married couples to do when they took their wedding vows and it certainly is not appropriate for a Catholic to do or for a Catholic society to accept as the norm. 

Now to address what my friend said about her never cheating on her husband as if that made her a GOOD wife and mother.  I am sure that is a contributing factor to being a good spouse, but I believe that is what God expects of any spouse and what society should expect of married couples.  When I questioned her about his fidelity she said she honestly believed he never considered being unfaithful to their wedding vows.  So by her standards he was a good husband.

What does the fact that she maintained the same employment for forty plus years and made more money than him have to do with being a good wife and mother?  The fact that she made more than him and she made sure everyone knew it probably contributed to the marriage ending. 

The man before he retired was a chemical engineer making a six figure income.  Did she work so they could have more or so she could have more?  Did she ever consider that her husband and daughters may have needed her time more than her money?  Which did she love more her job, money, title or family?  People can easily be blinded by greed and ambition and not even notice that their spouse has become mother and father to their children.  

She thought having to be out at night four or five times a week dining at expensive restaurants with clients was a big sacrifice for her.  I will admit that the money they made together did make it possible for them to have a housekeeper/cook and that is something few have in the United States.  He had meals prepared every day, but ate alone four or five times a week after the daughters left home.  It seems to me that he made the sacrifices not her.

How do people know you love them if you do not express it with words and deeds?  My dad was a good provider, but a failure in expressing his love to my mother and his children.  It was only two years before he died that he began to realize the importance of expressing his love.  I am thankful for the two years, but honestly to this day I still feel it was given too late in his life. I feel cheated!

I do not believe anyone should remain in a relationship where they have to assume they are loved.  I can recall my mother saying many time, “Your daddy loves you he just does not know how to show it.”  She did not understand that was his problem not ours.  Her remaining silent in order to keep a false sense of peace in the family did not contribute to solving the problem it only made the problem worse and last longer.

Everyone has a responsibility to feed what is feeding them.  I am not talking only about physically feeding; I am also talking about emotionally feeding. 

I have been given many rewards during my life for achievements, etc. but the biggest reward I have ever been given was to be able to take care of my mother the last 18 years of her life. I was able to show her that I appreciated her feeding me, washing me, dressing me, teaching me, protecting me and cleaning up my pee and the other when I could not do those things for myself.  I was not always able to do those things for her personally, but I could see that they were done when I could not.  I can tell you with all sincerity nothing I have done in my life has made me happier than knowing I cared for my mother until the end.  I believe God has blessed me for that more than anything else I have ever accomplished.

A black man at a carwash once told me, “Father you will always be blessed for the way you take care of Ms Reiddie.”  He was a very wise man.

Over the years I have watched people attend church Sunday after Sunday and be fed and never consider feeding the church that fed them spiritually and emotionally.  They never felt they had any responsibility to feed the church.  It is not just a responsibility it is an obligation that God gave us. 

If the man or woman of God is willing to work hard preparing a sermon to feed you every Sunday you owe it to God to feed the him or her and the church.

Do you go to the movie, walk in and out and not pay.  No you do not.  You expect to pay so the theater can continue to operate.  Then please tell me why you have different expectations for the church.  I guess it is because you know you would be arrested for not paying for services rendered anywhere except at the church.  Everything in life revolves around being responsible and at least giving as much as you receive.

Giving and receiving is a cycle that God established when He created the earth.  A farmer does not expect food from the ground, unless he or she plants seeds.  You do not expect a plant in your home to grow unless you feed it water and sunlight.  You do not expect a baby to be born healthy unless you feed it properly in the womb.  You do not expect your vehicle to run unless you feed it fuel.  Then why do you expect love to grow when you do not give love, respect to grow when you do not give respect, loyalty to grow when you do not give loyalty, protection to grow when you do not give protection, friendship to grow when you do not give friendship, etc.

You should have high expectation from all your relationships because you should be willing to give more than is expected to maintain and grow those relationships.

In closing, I want to say something that has bothered me for some time.  I wish people would stop complaining about the relationship they have with their children and the younger generation.  We are as guilty as they are if they are not responsible.  Have you ever stopped to think if we have given them the time we should have.  Have we been excellent role models of how to foster good relationships?

If we give more than we expect we usually get more than we expect and if we do not maybe we should consider getting out of the relationship as my friend did.