The Elderly need to be touched to!

Touch is the most developed sense when an infant is born and continues to play a fundamental role in communication development throughout life until the end.  I have found as I get older (approaching 80) I need human touch more than ever.  Yet, mankind seems to have some aversion to touching the elderly or the sick.

In 2004 I was the pastor at a church in Galveston, Texas.  I got a call from a hospice in Houston, Texas to see if I could administer last rites to a dying patient with H.I.V.  The call came around midnight on Saturday and I explained I was about 80 miles from Houston and it would take several hours for me to get their.  I told the hospice attendant that Holy Rosary was only two blocks from them and The University of Saint Thomas was only three blocks from them and perhaps it would be better to ask a priest from one of those organizations to come.  She replied Father we did and they refused claiming they had a busy schedule the following day, the notice was just too short and the man had no affiliation to their particular organization.  I ask why did she call me or how did she even know about me and she replied a client knew about you. 

Needless to say I went.  I arrived and the man was nothing but skin and bone.  We talked about his family and him for a while and then I lifted him in my arms to pray with him.  He began to cry uncontrollably.  When he was able to speak he said you are the first person that has held me in nearly a year.   The man died before sunrise.

That emotional experience has always stayed with me!  I was always a touchy person , but I became more aware of the importance of touch following that visit.  I firmly believe it is as important as any medical procedure offered to the elderly and dying and possibly more important.

In the past few months I had begun to think that something was missing and I could not put my finger on it.  I finally realized I long to be held/touched.  As a retired priest (celibacy) I was never touched or held.  How would I solve the problem if that was the problem.  I will be honest I began to look on the Internet for sensual massages with a male.  There are lot of listings in the Philippines. I knew I did not want a sexual encounter, nor did not I want any type of relationship.  I looked and looked and finally gave up on the idea.

Frustration, depression, anxiety and anger grew – stupid CELIBACY!

One day my caregiver (male) ask if he could help.  He said, “Father, I do not know what you want or need or if I can do it, but please tell me and let me try.”  He has been my caregiver for ten years.  I thought about it for weeks, but gave him no answer.  One night he came to my room and I said I feel like I want to scream, cuss and destroy something.  He again offered to try and help me and we talked about it even more and I explained how I felt I needed to be held and touched.  He said he would try.  That night he began to sleep with me and we laid close to each other, body to body.

The benefits were immediately.  The next morning I found it had accomplished the following:

It served as a  form of nonverbal communication;

Decreased sensory deprivation;

Increased reality orientation;

Stimulated my mind;

Decreased my pain;

Decreased my sense of isolation and vulnerability;

It created a sense of companionship;

It conveyed trust, hope, and reassurance;

He claimed he felt a personal feeling of reward when intentionally physically contacting another human being.

Over the next month I found:

 it help to promote sleep;

Enhanced feelings of well being;

Decreased blood pressure;

And lab results were better.

Have you ever bothered to noticed how rarely many elderly are touched.  So often, elderly people live alone and have little contact with the outside world.  As their lives slow down or as physical illness takes its toll, many elderly become more and more home bound.  Many move to Assisted Living Facilities and, although surrounded by others, rarely receive the simple gift of a hug.

We must also keep in mind touching someone – even the gesture of a light hug – might be an unpleasant experience for some.  In situations where there has been physical or sexual abuse, a person may be afraid, reticent or uninterested in acceptable ways of being touched.  Many people have grown up without having touch as part of their lives and are not comfortable receiving touch.  In one of my caregiving experiences, after I grew close to a particular client, I once greeted her by asking if it was okay to give her a hug.  I was pleased with her honesty as she told me, “No, no, I don’t hug.  My family doesn’t hug.”  I personally had a an older sister that hated to be touched or kissed and she would be quite rude if you attempted to do so, being from the south we were raised among kissing and touching relatives.

Yet, when touch is welcome, it can communicate what words cannot.  Touch can say, “I am here for you.” Touch can communicate connection and solace and kindness.  Touch can say, “I love you.  You are important to me.”  Touch can say, “You are not alone.”

The elderly do not require strong touch.  Gentle touch usually suffices.  If you offer some form of massage, be aware that some elderly people have thin skin.  Certain medications may even make skin susceptible to breaking.  Proceed with care.  Offer your hand or arm as support to one who is getting up from a chair or in and out of a car.  Even this simple form of contact can be valuable to the psyche.  If you are in a position where you are bathing or showering an elderly loved one, this can be the perfect time for a soapy back rub!  Hand massages or foot massages are generally appreciated.  Trust your instincts and your love.  Listen to your heart,  follow your instincts, and you will always do what is right.

Touch is a communication that transcends age and time. No matter how old we are, we all love to have our hand held, our backs rubbed, or the feel of a warm embrace.  Seniors who live alone often do not experience the simple act of touch on a daily basis. The reasons vary:  spouses and close friends have passed away, families live in other states, or physical limitations may affect activity and contact with others. Stupid vows of celibacy.  Remember this when spending time with the senior in your life. A simple, encouraging arm around a shoulder or a momentary grasp of a hand conveys a message of affection. Feelings of affection can make a big difference in the lives of seniors.

The sense of touch is so powerful that some experts recommend elderly clients receive regular, professional massages. Massages in general are not meant to convey affection, but use the power of touch in another way. Gentle kneading of muscles helps release tension, can improve blood flow through the body and ease the pain of arthritis. While no affection is involved during a professional massage, oxytocin released in the body during the process produces the same comforting effects. In place of a full-body massage, foot and hand rubs can be emotionally and physically beneficial.

Knowing someone wants to touch you has far more benefits than knowing they are simply doing it for the money.  So if you call for a massage always inform them of your age and health condition.  Tell them you will not accept or pay anyone that comes and makes you feel that they do not want to touch an elderly person or a large person.  You have rights demand those rights.

I will continue in the future to seek out ways to fulfill my need to be touched in the future and will not be cramped by what others thinks.